The Trip to Spain Page #6

---

the comfy chair.

- Get the comfy chair.

I'm like a turtle, look at me.

- Get the comfy chair.

- Get the comfy chair

and a piece of lettuce.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Amongst our weaponry is

such diverse I, to me,

Woody Allen.

- Woody Allen, yeah.

- Yeah, amongst our weaponry

is such diverse elements as

fear, surprise,

and an almost fanatical

devotion to the Yankees.

- Meh.

- Do you wish to confess?

- No.

- You know all Jews were

told to leave the country

by order of the Catholic king and queen.

- Yes, but, I'm, I'm not a Jew.

I'm a Catholic, Roman Catholic.

- If you're Catholic, then

you must respect my authority.

My authority comes from the pope.

- I've met the pope.

What it was, I met the

pope, I met His Holiness

at the Vatican, and he saw a film I made.

- You're lying.

- I'm telling the truth.

All right, all right,

he didn't see the film,

his advisors did, and they gave

him a breakdown of the film,

and he approved it.

- You're, um, a heretic?

- I am not a heretic, I'm

not Jewish, I'm not Muslim,

I am a Roman Catholic.

I promise you, I don't know the Quran,

I hardly know the Old Testament.

I was an altar boy, um...

- Shh.

Do you respect my authority?

- Well.

- Do you respect my authority?

- Why are you,

why are you mumbling?

- What, what did you say?

- You're not enunciating, enuncio.

- I'm sorry, Esteban.

Do you respect my authority?

- Yes, I, yes I respect your authority.

- Take him away.

- Do you know exactly

what's going to happen now?

I've not done anything, have I?

Why are they taking me backwards?

I've not done anything.

Hey, guess where I'm taking

Joe at the end of this week.

Here, look.

- Zip wire?

- Yeah.

Longest one in Spain.

- Have you clone this already?

- Yeah, I've done

about five in the UK,

couple in Europe.

- Word of warning, what's

the age limit on this?

- There's no age limit,

as long as you fit.

There's a height restriction.

- Well, we were in Italy last year,

and there was whitewater rafting.

' Yeah?

- So I thought I'd check

out, you know, the age.

Eight to 55.

So by the time Charlie's

old enough to do it

I'll be too old.

- That's ridiculous.

- I know.

- 55?

That's ridiculous.

- Why can you not whitewater raft at 55?

I might get some fake ID

or something like that.

- Yeah, you'll have to get

fake ID like a teenager.

- Uh, John Jones, born in 1970.

I'm a carpenter from Wrexham.

- You say you're a carpenter.

- That's right.

- Simple question.

If building a bog standard,

uh, tongue-and-groove,

glue-and-peg wooden bench for outside,

what kind of wood do you choose,

if you want it to weather

into a nice silvery patina?

Ash, beech, teak?

Simple question.

You'll have to hurry.

There's other people that want to get on

this whitewater raft.

- Um, could you tell me the woods again?

- Ash, teak, beech.

- Ash, teak, beech?

- Mm.

- Beech.

- No, mate, it's teak.

Any carpenter worth his

salt'll tell you that.

- Don't cry, Charlie.

- You're not, you're

not a carpenter, mate.

- Please let us go on.

- On your way.

- It's the only chance

I've got to, I just want...

- On your way.

- Don't cry, Charlie, don't cry.

Maybe Mommy can take you.

Look at the boy, he's crying.

- Oh come on, how old are you?

- Please don't be like...

What?

- How old are you?

- I'm 56.

- Oh, for Christ's sake,

go on, on your, get on.

Just, oh, please.

- Thanks, so, oh!

Oh, I've got shooting pains down my arm.

- Well, don't tell me that.

I've just broken the

rules for you, you nob.

- Give me a minute, I got lightheaded.

All right, thank you.

Come on, Charlie.

Not so fast, son.

- You know when walking downhill,

it'd be good if you engage your abs.

- Yeah, course.

- And if you

engage your abdominals,

it takes the pressure off your knees.

- Who told you that?

- It's just that you can

feel it anatomically.

I figured it out.

- Well at least stand up

to a focus group with it.

- Well you wouldn't show

it to a focus group.

- Clinical trials, I wouldn't

send it to clinical trials.

- Exactly, they won't

show it to a focus group.

- Clinical trials, that's

why I said clinical trials.

- Oh, okay, yeah, you

don't need clinical trials.

If you listen to your

body, you'll figure it out.

It's like a shock absorber,

so the knee doesn't have

to take all the impact.

Wow.

- Ah, big, bigger

than it looks from outside.

- Hey, take your hat off in church.

Bountiful.

I'm trying to find out

where the bomb damage is.

From, you know, from when

Franco and the Nazis.

- Exhibition there, with

Cervantes and Shakespeare.

There, look.

Why would they have the two

of them in one exhibition.

- Ah, they both died in the same year.

It seems they've done

a very good repair job.

Can't see any damage.

- Well, maybe it wasn't this

part of it that got damaged.

- I mean the workmanship

of this is a testament

to all the workers who

helped construct it,

and yet Franco, very happy,

despite claiming to be a Catholic,

to bomb the sh*t out of

a religious building.

Which just shows you what

kind of a vandal he was.

- We're having flooring

just like this in the kitchen.

- Partners there.

- Yeah.

- Buried, lying next to

each other for eternity.

Brr.

First collected edition of

Shakespeare's works, 1623.

So, then, six years, seven

years after his death.

Already they realized what they'd lost.

Rob, Rob.

Electronic '80s album cover.

- Very good.

I'm holding my stomach in while I do this.

- Well, just

walking downhill is actually

better for that, you know.

- Yeah, but I hold it in

pretty much all the time now.

Would you ever do

Shakespeare on the stage?

- I would have liked

to have played Hamlet.

- That train has left the station.

Who would you like to play now?

- Olivier played him when he was 42.

- Olivier was a better actor than you.

- Well, a different actor.

- Better actor.

- A different actor.

- King Lear?

- He's, old man.

- Not old, he's he a father.

You've got more in common with him

than you have with a teenager.

Have you lost something?

- She is gone forever.

I know when one is living and one is dead,

and she is dead as earth.

Lend me a looking glass.

'Cause if her breath may

mist or stain the stone,

why then she lives.

- Very good, very good.

Midsummer Murders.

You're a father who's just

been told his daughter's

just been killed in a road

accident, and that is effective,

and we're straight into

the adverts after that.

- I have of late, though

wherefore I know not,

lost all my mirth, forgone

all custom of exercises.

Indeed it goes so heavily

with my disposition

that it's goodly frame the earth.

Look you, this fine

O'erhanging firmament, the sky,

it seems nothing to me but a

foul congregation of vapors.

Yeah-ah, Jumping Jack Flash.

Stones do Shakespeare, come on!

- Oh, oh, that this too, too solid flesh

would melt and resolve itself into a dew.

Oh, that the Everlastin' not fix

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes