The Trouble with Girls Page #3

is the way it's gonna stay.

Unless you do something about this

problem we got with Miss American Labor.

She's giving you a lot of appus-crappus...

You send her over to the hotel before

the dinner break. I'll take care of her.

There's just one more thing.

The lead singer with

the Bible group has got laryngitis.

And the doctor...

...has put him on voice silence.

What do you plan to do about that?

Excuse me, sir. Ticket.

Guarantee Committee, sonny-boy.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen,

a legend in his own time.

To talk to you on immorality,

the immortal Mr. Morality.

Thank you. Thank you, ladies

and gentlemen, and good afternoon.

You know, in Chautauqua,

we used to say...

...that the greatest lesson we could teach

maturing men and women was...

Why don't you and me just take

a little stroll back to the store.

I've got a new case of booze. We could...

- Come on. Let's just go back.

- Come on, Harry. I wanna listen.

- Hemingway, who only last year

wrote that incredible novel...

...about postwar disillusion,

The Sun Also Rises...

...who said, "So far, about morals...

...I only know that what is moral

is what you feel good after...

...and what is immoral

is what you feel bad after."

Come on, let's just go back

for a little while.

My wife thinks I'm at a meeting.

We can all change. Change is one thing

that is certain besides death.

What you have been

is of little significance.

What you are is the essence.

Walt Whitman wrote, "I think..."

Come on, babe.

You can come back here later.

Please.

"I stand and look at them long and long.

They do not fret and whine

about their condition.

They do not lie awake in the dark

and weep for their sins.

Not one of them is demented

with the mania of owning things."

Now I ask you, ladies and gentlemen...

...are we truly less than the animals...

...as Whitman feels, or can we be more?

Can we stop our complaining

and crank our new life starter...

...and try to begin afresh?

I say start afresh!

There is no such thing as immorality...

...once you yourself

have become a moral force.

Come on, honey. Be a pal.

It's just not right to use the kid.

- We've gotta use the mayor's daughter.

- Would you let me handle this?

Look, we've got a big problem.

With the rubes. And believe me,

that's one thing that can get out of...

Oh, I'm sorry. You're the boss.

I forgot.

Of course, you're not acting like a boss,

boss. But you are, in truth, the boss.

If you were acting like a boss,

you would tell her...

...what you, the boss, would like her, who

happens to be just an employee, to do.

Get rid of Carol, put

the mayor's daughter in the lead.

I'd quit before I'd do that.

You're quitting the company?

Oh, now, hold your horses, mister!

Paragraph three...

...subheading two of my Equity contract,

under standards of employment...

...states that the agreement between the

Chautauqua, hereinafter called producer...

...and me, hereinafter called artist,

states that if I quit...

...I must supply an acceptable

Equity replacement, paying...

Charlie, do you have to quote

that contract all the time?

And forfeit two weeks of salary!

Not me, mister.

You don't ever hear this tootsie quit!

You gonna let one of the hired help

talk like that?

- I may have to fire her.

- So I'm fired? Okay. Same paragraph...

...subheading three, says you have

to supply the Equity replacement...

...pay me two weeks'

severance pay...

...and my transportation,

first-class, back to Chicago!

You shouldn't have fired her.

That's gonna cost us!

- I didn't fire her.

- And for being such a peach of a guy...

...you can find yourself

another standby pianist.

Because I'm not going to be

your helpful Ella Cinders anymore.

You're just hounding me because

I'm raising money for a strike fund.

Now look what you've done.

And until I'm replaced, paragraph 13,

which is between force majeure...

...and incapacity, states that

the artist, namely me...

...will be in charge of all aspects

of the children's pageant.

So, kiddies, Carol stays,

and blah-blah to the Gilchrist girl.

- How are you gonna take care of that?

- Good question. I know how to handle her.

Watch, you watch.

Listen, honey... Wrong honey.

- What'll I do with the laundry?

- All right, just put it right in there.

He told me to put the laundry in there.

Yeah, I heard him.

Oh, I've got a thing about towels.

I used to have a thing

about my blanket.

That's not a real smile.

What have I got to have

a real smile about?

You don't have anything in your eye...

...you don't have an earache

or a cold in your nose, pimples...

Yeah, and I don't have

a standby pianist either.

- What's that?

- Well...

...a standby pianist is a kind of pianist

who stands by for the regular pianist...

...in case the regular pianist

is not available to stand by.

Oh, I thought it was something dirty,

the way you said it.

I used to play in an all-boy band.

The money wasn't much,

but fun like you can't imagine.

- Well, this doesn't pay much either.

- That doesn't make any difference.

Actually, it doesn't...

...pay anything.

- I'd work for anything.

Even nothing, to be able

to be in Chautauqua.

You have got yourself a deal.

You're dealing too fast, pal.

Sorry. I got all the time in the world.

- You got all the money in the game too.

- We're here all week, mister.

- A big 10. Next?

- I'll stick.

There's the power.

- I'll take one card, please.

- One card.

- And a little four. Hope it helps.

- Thank you. Just that.

- Hit.

- Here.

- A little joe.

- Again.

Hello, Nina. Lucky 13.

I'll stay.

- Pay 20.

- I win!

- That's it for me.

- Well.

I'll be back, pal,

and maybe we can raise the limit?

- Sure thing.

- Good.

Oh, I'll be here. With bells on.

Stop being stupid and listen to me.

I've been trying to talk to you.

I have been too busy.

I am on a break now

and do I have to talk to you?

- Good. Let's go to my place.

- Oh, no. This is business talk.

Don't make it sound like pillow talk.

They're coming.

- Listen to me a minute, honey.

- "Miss Honey," boss.

Hey, if you guys got an extra minute,

why don't you help me.

Ladies first.

- I can't believe you'd stoop this low.

- What do you mean?

- You're not gonna get away with it.

- Get away with what, toots?

Oh, don't you "toots" me. You know

damn well what I'm talking about.

Are you sure you feel all right?

That's it. That's it.

No feeling. No feeling!

How could you have feeling

and hire a child...

...as your standby pianist

and not pay her?

You should be put in a home for the silly.

You don't go around threatening

a shop steward, mister.

Look, I don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

Now, don't tell me you forgot you hired

the innkeeper's daughter...

...as your standby pianist at the

munificent salary of nothing.

Or maybe that's what you all do

and then you have to drink...

...to forget the venal and corrupt acts you

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