The Trouble with Girls Page #5

...back stroke, side stroke,

breast stroke, Australian crawl.

Maybe I could float for the supper show.

- Hey, Betty, I got a job for you.

- Nifty. Who do I accompany?

This last layer of grease

is simply like your axle grease...

...which is placed on the body

to keep the wet and cold from the skin...

...for as long a time as possible.

In my 14 hours and 21 minutes...

...10 minutes shorter

than the then-record...

...I was freezing

the minute I hit the water.

Not until I reached the French coast

did I realize someone...

...in trying to save some money,

had covered me with goose fat.

Geese are the worst animals in the world.

Nothing they have to give

is good for anything.

I suppose some of you are wondering

why I didn't notice...

...that I was being covered

with goose fat.

Well, it wasn't my job.

Plus, it was cold.

Plus, I had goose flesh about this

whole thing right from the beginning.

Plus, when I set out for France...

...I was so busy trying to figure out

what direction France was in...

...that I didn't notice that they were

covering me with goose fat!

A lesson learned.

Anyway, those of you that are

planning on your longer dips...

...now, believe me, axle grease

may be a little hard to get off...

...but it gives you much better

protection...

...than your inferior animal fats.

The water was cold...

...and it was dark that early morning...

...and 14 hours and 21

minutes ahead lay:

I never eat anything that will bloat me...

...before my long swims.

And a little chicken soup...

...that is not too hot...

...is the only nourishment that I take...

...after I have been out for a while.

When I swam from Los Angeles

to Catalina...

...the year before last, all I had was

a little warm chicken soup...

...which I sipped a short distance

from my outboard.

I don't like noise while I eat.

And assuming a sort of sitting backstroke,

I just sip along.

Pardon me.

I said, pardon me.

I can't believe he's dead.

I mean, it's so funny around here

without him.

Well, Mr. Wilby was always very nice

to me and Carol...

I mean, Carol and I.

He was.

Could it have been

an accident, constable?

If my wife finds out how much I lose,

she'd kill me.

Wilby was the big loser.

He lost to that dealer all the time.

Chowder say he get

into a scrape with that fellow.

Well, Harry and this kid

had been at each other all week.

Not on account of because Harry

was losing...

...but on account of Harry thought this kid

was slipping hisself cards.

Well, he told me and

then when he said to the kid...

...he thought he was slipping hisself

a fast card, the kid swung at Harry.

Sure, I cheated a little, I'm not gonna lie

to you. But I swear, I did not kill him.

- Did you punch him?

- Sure!

Look, he grabbed me by the arm

and swung at me first, just like that.

Chowder never said that.

Nobody said that.

- Honest, Walt, that's what happened.

- It was a crooked game.

We'll give the money back.

- I didn't cheat all the time.

- We'll still give the money back.

You wouldn't think you'd let

a palooka like this into Chautauqua.

Everybody that's ever played in his

old card game knows he's a palooka...

...trying to put it over on the rubes.

Snotty big-city kid.

Gonna get to be a fat cat,

going from town to town in the Bible belt.

Yeah, really hang it on us.

Well, we'll see, kiddo.

Look, you let me tell you, mister.

I swear to you I didn't kill him.

- I belted him because he took...

- You don't have to tell me nothing.

- No, but you don't...

- No, no.

When the trial comes up, that's it, see?

That's when you can say what you did

or what you didn't, okay?

I mean, what do you got

the sweats for, kiddo?

- I don't...

- Don't answer me.

You don't have to say nothing no more.

You got two minutes.

He was no damn good, Walt.

I mean, you could smell it.

Lots of guys are no damn good,

but I wouldn't kill them.

It scares the pants off me, Walt.

I mean, I could be in real trouble.

If you'd tell me what you're looking for,

I might be able to help.

- I am looking for your football helmet!

- My helmet?

You see, things are so well in hand...

...that I figure I could probably

take a few days off...

...and just kind of go out and kick

the old ball around with the kids.

There it is!

Because there's practically

nobody from town...

...coming to the show anymore...

...and our star attraction...

...Senator William Anthony Cluster...

...who might have filled

the tent tomorrow night...

...and pulled us out of the hole,

can't make town.

- Isn't that spiffy?

- Wait a minute. Just wait a minute.

Gilroy, Iowa.

That was to be our next hop.

- What do you mean "was"?

- Was.

Past tense of "is." They're canceling

because of the murder.

How's that for luck?

Look, it is a tough spot, Johnny...

...but it'll be okay. I can take care of it.

- Oh? How?

- It's easy. I'll just go kill myself.

Walt, who do you pick

in the Dempsey/Sharkey fight?

Gene Tunney.

And by a sleep,

to say we end the heartache...

...and the thousand natural shocks

that flesh is heir to.

'Tis a consummation

devoutly to be wished.

To die.

To sleep.

- To sleep, perchance to dream.

- I've been looking for you.

- What else is going wrong?

- I wanna talk to you.

What dreams may come...

Ladies first.

I've been thinking.

Yeah? About what?

About what you said

about talent being important.

What did I say?

Well, you said it was talent

that really counted.

You're the first management person I ever

heard say anything positive about talent.

And you've chosen to take a stand

against the company rats.

And it's a whole new picture of you.

I like it. It's very encouraging.

I'm glad something's

encouraging around here.

I know.

That's awful about Clarence...

...but let me tell you,

that Mr. Wilby was really no good.

I overheard him talking to...

What's her name? Carol's mother.

They were... Oh, there she is.

They were yelling

and screaming at each other.

Just took one look at him and you knew

he enjoyed picking the wings off people.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I'd gone into the drugstore

for breakfast.

You know, the restaurant isn't open early

and I get tired eating in my room, so...

Hey, look, thanks, honey.

Miss Bix?

What's the matter, Miss Bix?

You all right?

Nice night...

I'm sorry. What?

Well, I was thinking.

Why did you give me those free tickets?

I mean, why? How come? Why me?

There was no reason.

You just happened to be there.

We give a bunch of them out anyway.

Your kid was cute.

It's a good thing, the Chautauqua is.

I mean, it's a chance to learn, you know?

I got to thinking...

...well, that someday...

...I don't want Carol

to be embarrassed by me.

That's why I been going.

- Is the drugstore gonna stay open?

- How would I know?

Oh, well.

I was just wondering, that's all.

You know, no reason.

"Is the drugstore gonna stay open?"

How would I know?

I was just wondering.

Just forget it.

Just forget it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes