The Tuxedo Page #7

my plan is perfect.

Sorry, Mr. Banning,

it's your plan... and mine.

Um... it's ours.

Shut up. Explain.

Oh, all righty.

The life cycle

of the Gerris maginatus

begins with mating...

something Dr. Simms

is not personally familiar with.

Anyhoo, the insects swarm

to freshwater

where fertilized eggs are then

deposited on the underside

of lotus leaves

and hatch into larvae.

Spare me

the Discovery Channel blather.

(chuckles)

Tell me why it won't work.

Yes, tell us.

Why it won't work?

This is the northern

hemisphere, correct?

You incubated insects native

to the southern hemisphere.

So, simply, it is too cold

for them to mature sexually...

much like Simms here.

Therefore...

they won't mate.

Therefore,

they won't seek out water.

Is this true?

No, I knew a girl once,

in college, quite well.

Very well.

And then you remember

cousin Doris?

No, Simms, the bugs.

The bugs.

Oh, you're not going

to believe this hootchie

are you, Mr. Banning?

Oh, yeah?

Ask him if I lied

about the tuxedo.

This tuxedo is...

it's all right. It's...

"All right"?

That is the most incredible

piece of technology

on the planet.

And I am laying it

in your big, hot hands.

Mr. Banning, release the bugs.

Go ahead.

Do what he tells you.

You might have a chance

at second prize

at a junior high school

science fair

but you can forget your dreams

of world domination.

Slip into it, Deitrich.

See how it feels.

DEVLIN:

The other ten percent's

in there.

You've got plenty of it.

Hey, Dr. Schwartz.

Tell your boss

Clark Devlin is back.

(guns cocking)

(electronic crackling)

Drapes nicely.

(beeping)

Well, it certainly puts

a spring in one's step.

Happy to have lightened

your loafers, Deitrich.

One question.

Why are you doing this?

(alarms blaring)

Hey, what the hell is this?

This is the moment where

take you,

your pretentious accent

your jackass sideburns

to the Federal pen where,

guess what?

All they serve is highly

chlorinated tap water.

Presenting Clark Devlin.

(grunts)

Have I told you how amazing

you look in this tuxedo?

(groans)

Simms, prepare for release.

With pleasure, sir.

COMPUTER VOICE:

Hatchery doors opening.

Water sources targeted.

Pods will begin releasing

striders in five minutes.

(sticky squishing)

(beeping)

Maturation level: 85o/o.

(groans)

Why are you here?

I've come to save you.

That's great.

What about the big guys

with the big guns?

(gasps)

(grunts)

For years, I've heard about you.

Now we finally meet, I find

that the great Clark Devlin

is nothing more

than an ordinary man

who's about to die

an extraordinary death.

You're right

except for one thing.

My name's Tong.

James Tong.

(grunting)

(yells)

(muffled yells)

You okay?

Uh, Jimmy, is there

something you want to tell me?

Later.

(electrical rumbling)

Oh, you've got

a good suit as well.

(theme plays)

(grunts)

(yells)

All right!

Let go!

(grunts)

(yells)

(yells)

(yells)

(blows)

(grunting)

(electrical rumbling)

COMPUTER:

X-4 genome bacteria-induced

water striders:
100o/o mature.

Bacteria drop sites identified.

Pods now opening.

What are you doing?! No! No!

She's ruining everything.

Electrical malfunction.

Hatchery door is disengaged.

Ah, I knew girls like you

in high school.

Yeah? Did they do this?

Uh-huh, they did.

SIMMS:

Mr. Banning, you must

open the hatch manually.

Sod off.

COMPUTER:

Manual hatch release required.

Manual hatch release required.

(grunting)

COMPUTER:

Rotate valve counterclockwise

to open hatch.

(grunting)

(Banning yells)

(grunts)

Get off.

Bloody open!

COMPUTER:

Manual procedure complete.

Hatchery doors opening.

(macho grunt)

COMPUTER:

Airborne striders

awaiting queen release.

(grunts)

(techno music playing)

Hatchery doors opening.

Clark!

I mean, Jimmy, help me!

I'm busy.

(yells)

All mature striders

ready for release.

Bacteria-laced microbes

fully activated.

(grunts and groans)

(gagging)

His head's about to explode.

Look at him.

Look at him!

You might know a few tricks

but you're just

a sad, pathetic man.

(gagging)

(puffing)

(yells)

(sizzling)

Smoking is bad for your health.

You okay?

Yeah, duh.

By the way, nice going.

Now millions of people are going

to die of dehydration.

You left the hatch open.

(bugs buzzing)

They're not flying away.

DEL:

Yeah, what are they waiting for?

They are waiting...

to follow the queen.

COMPUTER:

Airborne striders

awaiting queen release.

DEL:

Oh, my God.

For once, you're right.

The queen is going

to lead the striders

to freshwater sites

all over North America.

Quick, grab it

before it's released.

Queen strider disengaged.

Alert!

Queen strider disengaged.

(alarm blaring)

Let's go.

MAN:

He's got the queen!

(screaming)

(grunts and groans)

Wait!

You dropped it.

(wings whirring)

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

(whimpers)

(squeaky chittering)

(squeals)

Don't move!

(gasps)

(squeals)

(moans and squeals)

(grunts)

(giggling)

Oh!

(electronic rumble)

(loud buzzing)

Ow.

(bones cracking)

(yelling)

(yelling continues)

(yelling)

(gagging)

(water striders buzzing)

(gagging)

DEL:

Sir, excuse me,

I deserve to see this.

Ugh.

(alarms blaring)

Trouble.

(alarm continues)

Okay, okay, make hustle, ladies.

Let's go. Let's go.

Watch out, Aqua-Lung.

Hey, pal, nice suit.

It's okay, kitten.

Everything's going

to be all right.

It is not okay.

You just decked the hero.

L-I'm a genius and I can testify

for a piece of immunity.

Also, I'm from

a neutral country...

Shut it.

Well, looks like we

got here just in time.

Oh, to what? Take credit?

Oh, you're hilarious, Blaine.

Winton Chalmers, CSA.

I spearheaded the operation

that took down Deitrich Banning.

I bet you're Jimmy Tong.

Here's your tuxedo.

You happy now?

Well, I will be when I get it

safely back to headquarters.

By the way, Blaine,

not a bad job

for your first time

in the field.

Well, I didn't do it alone.

She always says

nice things about me.

When you finally

do something right,

you deserve the credit.

Well, sir

it's an honor to help

the United States of America.

I feel exactly

the same way, soldier.

You don't think you're going

to be able to get away

with a bureaucratic pat

on the butt, do you?

Well, I'm hoping to.

(agents laughing)

(grunts)

Ooh, man down, people.

Well... there is one thing

you can do for me.

And that would be?

STEENA:

All right, tracking

systems locked on.

Anybody screws up

and your ass is mine.

Block off this end

of the street.

AGENT:

Roger that.

All right, we're at

T minus 30 and counting.

Is everyone in position?

AGENT:

Manhole agent up.

Flower lady, hot dog vendor, go.

Replace the hot dog vendor.

Come on, hustle.

Let's go.

AGENT:

This is Bird Three,

the street is secure.

Uh-oh, bike messenger.

Hostile forces moving in.

Go on, Randall, take him out.

AGENT:

Roger. T-14 descending.

AGENT:

Advance the lead

operation vehicle.

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