The Ugly Dachshund Page #3

- Mark?

- Uh-huh?

Here's your lunch.

Oh, okay, just, uh,

set her down there.

- How's it going?

- Terrible, terrible...

haven't had a decent idea

all morning.

Working, working away...

nothing happening.

Four weeks

and you're still angry, hmm?

Angry about what?

Brutus.

That is ridiculous!

You see? You see?

You are angry.

Fran, I'm not a child, you know.

I mean, when I say I'm not

angry, I'm not angry.

You forgot the cream.

Do you know how you have been

acting lately, hmm?

So cold and distant.

You hardly ever talk to me,

you never smile.

[Sighs] That bad, huh?

[Chuckling] Worse.

- I am a heel.

- Mmm...

I apologize.

And I don't have any more

problems about dogs.

Mmm...

- Okay?

- Okay.

- [Whining]

- Mmm... mmm...

To make it official, we are

gonna spruce up tonight.

We're gonna go out on the town,

we're gonna see a show,

gonna have dinner,

put our glad rags on.

Well, I, uh,

I have a class tonight.

Mmm, a class in what?

In grooming.

Are you kidding?

You look beautiful.

Uh, for dachshunds.

Dachshunds?!

Well, we could

celebrate tomorrow.

You know, tomorrow

is your birthday.

That's really something

to celeb...

You're angry again,

right? Huh?

No.

No, I'm not angry.

See, I'm smiling.

Okay, tomorrow it is.

But right now, why don't you

get out of here,

let me eat my lunch,

and get some work done, hmm?

[Barking, whining]

[Barks]

[Whining, barking]

Fran, I brought the car

around front!

[Fran humming

"Happy Birthday"]

Hey, what's going on?

It's darn near 6: 15.

A birthday calls

for champagne.

That's very nice of you, dear,

but we don't have time.

They won't hold our table

past 7:
00.

Oh, we have plenty of time...

all evening...

because we're staying home.

We're what?

I thought we'd have

a private party of our own.

Yeah, but, honey,

what about the reservations?

And I got tickets

for the Philharmonic.

Oh, Mark, it'll be

so much nicer here...

just us, so cozy.

Oh... [Chuckling]

On second thought,

that's not a very bad idea.

[Chuckling] I thought

you might say that.

To you, my dear.

Besides, we couldn't

possibly celebrate

without the dachsies.

- [Coughing]

- Oh, Mark!

Mark, are you all right?

Without the what?!

Well, Danke and the girls.

After all, Mark,

it is a family affair,

and they are family.

They're dogs, honey!

- Mark, you know what I mean.

- No, I don't.

- Look, it's my birthday, right?

- Right.

That makes me

king for the day, right?

Means I can do whatever

I want to do, right?!

- Right.

- All right!

I don't want to do anything

with the dachsies.

Oh, Mark, now, I planned

such a wonderful evening.

Don't spoil it.

You come over here, Mark,

and you sit down.

You just relax, and...

and you drink your champagne.

I'll be right back.

Come on, girl.

Hurry, now.

[Whines]

Come on. [Chuckles]

Hurry!

- That's it!

- [Whining]

[Barking, yipping]

Come on, Danke.

You're holding up the party.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Mark

Happy birthday to you

- Mmm.

- All right, girls.

- [Growling softly]

- Come on, now, line up. Go on.

Will you blow out your candle?

Mmm.

There, now your wish

will come true.

Now you can open

your presents.

[Whining]

Here, this one's

from Wilhelmina.

Wilhelmina, well...

I wonder what could be

in this necktie box.

[Fran chuckles]

Well, imagine that...

a necktie.

She picked it out herself.

Well, uh,

my favorite colors.

Goes with anything,

doesn't it?

Uh, and this is from Heidi.

From Heidi.

[Whining, growling continue]

A soup spoon?

It's a pipe.

Oh.

Here we go.

It's the latest kind.

Yeah... you should have

told Heidi...

I stopped smoking

two months ago.

Oh, I... I forgot.

Well, uh, this is from Chloe.

From Chloe, mm-hmm.

Well, let's see

what we have here.

Just what I always wanted...

a box.

Well, open it!

["Oh, Where, Oh, Where

Has My Little Dog Gone?" plays]

Oh, that's the wrong tune.

Uh, the one in the store

played "The Blue Danube."

Well...

this is from Danke.

From Danke? Well...

You like it?

I have no idea.

Well, don't you know

what that is?

Should I?

Well, Danke didn't know

what to buy you,

so she took her favorite bone

and had it bronzed.

Well, Mark, you could use it

for a paperweight.

A bronzed bone?

Well, don't you think

that's a cute idea?

Fran...

there comes a time

in every man's life

when he has got to

stand up and be counted,

and my time is right now.

Mark, if you're gonna count,

count to ten.

I'm only gonna

say this once, Fran.

I have had it

with those walking wieners!

[Growling softly]

I have had it!

I was willing

to put up with Danke.

"Danke this, Danke that.

Danke wins a two-cent

piece of ribbon."

You'd think it was

a Nobel Prize.

But I refuse to go through

the same routine

with those pups.

I refuse to...

I refuse to let them

run my life.

I will not have it

anymore, Fran.

Keep them out of my way,

or they're really gonna

wind up sausages.

[Whining]

And thank you

for a very happy birthday.

Now, just one minute!

Just one minute,

Mark Garrison!

[Barking]

You are the most selfish,

thoughtless, inconsiderate...

I'm selfish?!

...ungrateful man

I have ever met!

That is the most ridiculous

accusation that...

Will you get your whatever-it-ls

off my bed?

I want to relax!

That just happens to be

my birthday present to you,

and you can just

move it yourself!

Well, thank you very much...

for... for...

What in...

Brutus!

Fella...

What...

He... look at your hands!

Man, have you grown!

Good...

Oh, boy.

I, um...

[Whining]

...don't know how

you put up with me.

I'm so blind.

FRAN:
And selfish!

MARK:
That's right, yes.

FRAN:
And nasty!

Mm-hmm.

And mean.

And I just know

I'm gonna hate myself.

[Whining]

[Growling]

Come on, Danke,

we'll try on your sweater.

Oh, Brutus, now,

you know better than that.

Go back where you belong.

Go on. Go on.

- [Growling]

- [Yipping]

Danke, come!

Come on.

That's my girl.

Try on your sweater.

Yes, let's see

if it fits, huh?

You'll be the prettiest

girl on the whole block.

- Fran!

- Hmm?

Burp a baby for me, will you?

What?

Burp a baby.

I need it for a sketch.

Are the hands

this way or that way?

I don't know.

I don't know, Mark.

Well, here,

show me with Danke.

- Oh, Mark, come on.

- No, it'll just take a minute.

Stand up, here.

Stand up. Pat her.

There, that's the way.

- [Danke burps]

- Gesundheit.

- [Laughs]

- Yeah, that... that's, uh...

Hey, come out

and pose for me, would you?

- It'll just take a second.

- Oh, Mark, come on!

- I have to finish that sweater.

- Just come out to the studio.

[Indistinct conversation]

[Barking]

[Barking]

[Barking, growling softly]

[Barks]

[Keys plinking]

[Keys plinking]

[Keys playing]

[Growling continues]

[Notes playing]

[Whines]

[Keys plinking]

[Muffled barking]

Oh, Brutus!

Mark, look what he's done.

Now, wait a minute...

how do you know he did it?

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