The Wackness Page #3

Elanor, you know,

I could just sell you some weed

and we could leave it at that.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

A quarter of bubble gum?

Yeah.

- All right.

- We're gonna...

Yeah. And the door, when you shut it,

it just locks behind you.

Thanks, you guys.

Yo, Shapiro, you should take my number.

Okay. Call me some time.

- Call you?

- Yeah.

- You mean, like, for weed?

- No, man. To hang out.

This city can get so lonely

when there's nobody to talk to.

I think we could

be friends.

- Friends?

- Yeah, friends. You know, like,

homies, buddies, amigos.

Just take my number, okay?

All right, word.

I'll definitely call you.

What do you want

from me, Luke?

I don't know.

Come on, Luke,

you can tell me.

After all, I'm just

in your head.

Be honest.

Do you wanna do

dirty things to me?

Not, like,

especially dirty.

Just, like, normal dirty.

Do you want to f*** me?

On the beach? In the sun?

Do you wanna be my friend?

- Do you wanna be my best friend?

- Maybe.

Place your hand on my shoulder.

It's warm.

Put your hand

between my thighs.

Come to the sun, Luke.

Come.

- Come.

- I'm coming.

Come.

F***.

Yo!

What's up, Dad?

What's a seven-letter word

for a subatomic particle?

I don't know, Dad.

What's up?

Son, would you please

turn down the air conditioning?

The electric bill

is through the roof.

- Dad, it's like 90 degrees out.

- Please, just do it.

Such a beautiful evening.

- What are you doing?

- Seating.

- For that charity thing.

- Do you wanna go out?

Out?

You know, out.

Grab a drink, chill.

It's a Tuesday night.

And I'm almost 40.

Two.

You're 42.

I've been thinking about your dilemma

a lot recently, Luke.

- What's my dilemma?

- The girl thing.

Luke, back when I went to school,

drug dealers had no problem getting girls.

In fact, that's why

I always wanted to be one.

Were you popular in high school,

Dr. Squires?

Well, I wouldn't

say popular, no.

I wasn't one of those cool kids,

if that's what you're asking.

I played baseball,

I was a debater...

Did you ever

wanna kill yourself?

- Not till much later.

- Then you must have been popular.

I'm not.

This has got nothing to do

with being popular, Luke.

You're just not

trying hard enough.

You must think about it.

The different scenarios.

Random sex in phone booths,

chance encounters in discos,

the way they smell,

the things they say,

even when they're saying

nothing at all.

I mean,

I'm married, so I don't contemplate

that type of thing.

No.

Of course not.

Surely there's

someone, Luke.

Yeah.

This one girl.

That's fantastic, Luke. Who is she?

Does Stephanie know her?

No.

No, she goes

to school downtown.

- So what's the problem?

- She just wants to be friends.

- What makes you think that?

- She said so.

Make her like you, Luke.

That's what I did with my wife.

How did you do that?

Be her friend.

Confide in her, earn her trust.

Then, when you are

least threatening to her,

grab her and stick your tongue so far down

her throat she starts to gag from pleasure.

- Can I grab her tits, too?

- Baby steps, Luke.

Right.

Pursue her, Luke.

You're the perfect age for it.

You haven't yet been systematically numbed

to the allure of romance.

You still have

your youthful...

I got it.

Young men need sex, Luke.

All men, actually.

I can get you a hooker,

if you like.

God, I was this close

to respecting you.

Big mistake, Luke.

Call your girl.

You don't need medication, Luke.

You just need to get laid.

It's a surprise attack.

I don't want these...

What is the postmark on that?

What do you mean?

I just got it today.

I just wanna know

what the postmark is.

- When did you get it?

- I don't wanna talk about the postmark!

Oh, my God!

Jeffrey!

Hello?

Hello?

Um...

- I'm looking for...

- Luke?

- Luke, is that you?

- Dr. Squires?

It's okay, Luke.

I know why you're calling.

- You do?

- The beaver hunt.

The p*ssy quest.

I can help you, Luke.

Let's grab a drink.

I got just the place.

All right.

It's strange.

This place used to be packed.

The city's not the same anymore, Luke.

This place,

it really used to be

something down here,

the drugs, the girls,

the music,

the f***ing music.

Speaking of which.

# "Season of The Witch"

by Donovan #

What kind of music

do you like, Luke?

Tribe Called Quest.

Pharcyde. De La Soul.

That's rap, right?

I don't know much about that stuff.

- I'll make you a mixtape.

- I'd like that.

Maybe I'll make

you one, too.

Some Bowie, maybe

a little Pink Floyd.

Some classical.

Brahms, Haydn.

Haydn?

Yeah, Haydn's dope.

- You serious?

- No, Dr. Squires.

Hey, Luke.

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?

Because he was Haydn.

That's not funny.

Yo, order me

another drink, please?

Another Bud,

right here.

# Must be the season

of the witch #

Lucas, I hate my wife.

# Must be the season

of the witch #

- I hate my parents.

- I need to get laid.

We both need to get laid.

Lust.

Luke, I've never cheated

on my wife before, ever.

But I want to now,

it is my mission.

You have no idea

how much I want to.

Sometimes it's right

to do the wrong thing,

and right now

is one of those times.

But we need to

fix ourselves first.

- You need fixing?

- Lucas, I need a whole lot of fixing.

- Union?

- Luke, hi.

I can't believe

you're here!

We came in to check out

all the old weird people.

Oh, wait.

- Don't even think about it.

- Is this the mystery girl?

No, but it doesn't mean

she's fair game.

This is Gruden. My date to the Midsummer

Night Cancer Ball. It's for charity.

He's an exchange student

from Rotterdam. He's a joke.

Yo, what up? What happened to

home boy you were with in the park?

Albert?

Oh, he's so amateur.

Gruden, I'm Haydn.

- Like the classical guy?

- Yes.

I was named after him.

- That's so awesome.

- Do you like the Grateful Dead?

Followed them for four years

after college.

Whoa!

# Baby, you #

# "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie #

# You've #

# Got what I need #

# got what I need #

# But you say

you're just a friend #

# Just a friend

And you say you're just a friend #

# Oh, baby, you... #

# you... #

Oh, what do you

call that thing?

- It's a blunt.

- It's a blunt. I like that.

- Where was I?

- The second set.

Oh, yeah.

They opened up

with Casey Jones.

# Driving that train #

And that's right

when the acid kicked in.

Amazing!

- Your dad's mad cool.

- He's not my dad.

Luke is very into the rap of The Soul Tribe

and many of their other songs.

- Tell her, Luke.

- Tell me.

Tell her. Go ahead, talk.

Talk to her.

- I'm gonna go get another beer.

- Gruden, yo!

# The tour was over

and she went back to school #

# I called every day

to see how she was doin' #

# Every time

that I call her... #

Goldilocks.

I am one of the three bears.

Guess which one.

- Which one?

- Baby bear.

The game's not called

Four Minutes in Heaven, Luke.

We have like

three minutes.

All right, that's enough, kids.

You are all too young to be in here anyway.

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