The Waterboy Page #4

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Oh, uh--

Mama's not a-a-a big fan | of restaurants...

or of-of me going to one.

But if-if you'd like, | sometimes,

Mama, she, uh-- she like to-- | on a Sunday afternoon--

There-There's a-a-a grill | with the charcoal b-biscuits.

- You want me to come to a barbecue ? | - Yes, that's it.

[ Chuckling ] | Sounds great.

and by the way, l hope you like | what l did to y'all lawn mower.

[ Steve Braying ]

You know that old hag that does | astrology on Good Morning america,

she really ought | to pack it in.

Listen what she said | for Sagittarius. She goes:

''You're gonna be faced with | a difficult decision today.''

But the thing is-is-is, we're all faced | with difficult decisions every day.

- That's like sayin' | you're gonna eat today. | - Yeah, m-maybe...

by leaving her predictions | vague and generalized,

there's less of a chance of someone | findin' out she's a phoney.

Whatever, college boy.

-Don't say college boy. Here comes Mama. | -Oh, okay.

That looks nice, Mama.

[ Sighing ]

- Mmm, here you go, Vicki Vallencourt. | - Thank you.

Mama, Vicki's | an astrologist.

l don't believe in that sort | of thing, personally.

astronomy is one | of the many tools of the devil.

You sure played great | yesterday, Bobby.

- What did my boy play great ? | - Uh, um--

Waterboy. Yeah, waterboy. | He played-- He played waterboy great.

Everybody who was thirsty | got a drink right away...

yesterday at the-- | at the football game.

Fool's ball ! Bunch of overgrown | monsters manhandling each other.

Remember when that man wanted you | to play fool's ball, Bobby ?

Yeah, l-- He-- | Roy Orbison--

Coach Klein. | l-l-l remember.

So, Bobby, did they ever catch | that gorilla...

what escaped from the zoo | and punched you in the eye ?

No, Mama, he-- | The-The search continues.

What would you think if Bobby | did play football, Mrs Boucher ?

Well, l wouldn't | think much of it at all.

and to tell you the truth, | l don't think much of you...

and all your snotty questions, | Miss Vallencourt.

l'm quite disturbed to see | that you're so interested in my boy.

l'm very, very interested | in your boy, Mrs Boucher.

- Really ? | - Mm.

Well, did he tell you | about how much his feet smell ?

- Mama. | - He has to wear two pair of socks.

Well, men are supposed | to have stinky feet.

Well, are men | supposed to wear pyjamas...

featuring a cartoon character | by the name of Deputy Dog ?

- Mama, please. | - Well, you know what ?

l happen to find | Deputy Dog to be...

very, very sexy.

Did he tell you about | a little bedtime problem ?

- Mama, l'm beggin' you, don't. | - That's his sheet back there.

lf you'll excuse me, ladies, | l'm gonna go hang myself.

- Now you see what you done ? | - What l did ?

Now you listen here, cupcake. The | ''onliest'' woman in my boy's life is me.

Nobody's gonna take him away, especially | not some godless Jezebel like you.

Oh, yeah, well your Bobby | is a grown man.

and guess what ? He can hang out | with whoever he wants !

Oh, yes, he can. | Whoever he wants. 'Cept you !

Bobby, that-that woman | is the devil.

- l want you to stay away | from her, you hear me ? | - Yes, Mama.

Now you come on inside before that | little ol' witch casts a spell on us !

l'm sorry, | Vicki Vallencourt.

Whatever.

lf you want it, you got it | You feed it, you love it

Say that you need it | You never--

When we report on the S.C.L.S.U. | Mud Dogs here on Sportscenter, | it's usually to add...

another number to their amazing | losing streak, which now stands at 41.

But now, Bobby Boucher | has given us another reason.

ln the Mud Dog's latest loss | this past Saturday,

the amazing 31-year-old freshman | set a new N.C.a.a. record...

by sacking the quarterback | 16 times,

shattering the old record | of seven.

and, oh, by the way, Bobby Boucher | is also the team's waterboy,

which, of course, | begs the question:

What exactly are they putting | in the water...

down in Jackson's Bayou, | Louisiana ?

There is a house | in New Orleans

They call The Rising Sun

[ announcer ] We're deadlocked | at three with less than a minute to go.

[ Coach Klein ] | We are one family with one dream.

There are 40 of you | on this team, not just one.

Bobby can't do this by himself. Now get | out there and make something happen !

- all right, sacrifice | your bodies. Go, go, go ! | - [ players Cheering ]

Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna | have to do this by yourself...

because there is nobody | on this team that's any good.

Now look, l can't stand | losing any more.

We've got to win one game. Can you | go out there and make something happen ?

- Visualize and attack. | - Yeah.

- Visualize and attack. please ! | - Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- please ! | - [ Mumbling, lndistinct ]

[ announcer ] Central Kentucky's down | to their third straight quarterback.

Good news, folks. | First-string quarterback, Tommy Gardner,

does not have a broken neck.

Blue, 52 ! | Blue, 52 ! Hut !

l forbid you to talk to | that enchantress. She's the devil !

She's not the devil. She's the | most beautiful woman in the world.

- l never said she was the devil. | - She's the most beautiful woman | in the world.

Oh, please, don't hurt me !

Follow the-- | Come on !

You crazy man ! | Okay, okay, okay !

lt's a safety ! | They win, they win, they win !

With the help of Boucher, | the losing streak is over !

l'm so sorry, Mama. | please, forgive me.

l love you so much, Mama. | l love you.

- l love you too. | - [ Derek ] We won !

We won, baby ! lt's gonna be a big | party tonight, and you're going !

- Me ? party ? | - Yeah, baby !

[ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ] | party ! party !

Let's groove tonight

and share | the spots and light

Hey ! Nice suit.

Thank you. | lt was my daddy's.

Mama don't know l'm here, | but l took these outta the icebox: | Louisiana frog cakes.

Thanks.

- Come on in. | - [ Woman ] Hey, Bobby Boucher !

Look who's here:
| Sergeant Stutter.

- Want a beer ? | - l'll take a Scotch and water. | Hold the Scotch.

- You just make a joke, Bobby ? | - Yes, l did.

[ Chuckling ] | Good one.

Now that you finally won a game, right, | you feel looser, the pressure is off,

and that will lead | to a lot more victories.

- Yeah, that and a waterboy | getting 20 sacks a game. | - That too.

- professor ! | - [ Gasping ]

We still havin' that test on amphibians | and reptiles next Friday ?

Yes, sir. That is, | if it's all right with you.

- Of course, it is. | - My best regards to your dear mama.

[ Woman ] | Let's talk to the waterboy.

You played amazing | at the game today, Bobby.

and you are so cute. | ls there a girl you're seein' ?

Seein' ? Uh, uh, l see | a lot of girls.

l see a lot of guys too.

l think that's sexy.

You ever been with a guy and a girl | at the same time ?

Oh, yeah, plenty of times.

The other night, l was with my mama | and Coach Klein at the same time.

You are a bad boy. | l wish you were my boyfriend.

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