The Weather Man Page #5

from the pop machine?

Can you get your pop later?

I'm trying to send Shelly away

so she doesn't have to hear this.

This guy says that Mike

tried to steal his wallet...

and that's why they were fighting

when the police came.

- How is he?

- He's scared. I don't know.

I can come home.

No, stay there

and do your Hello America thing.

- You act like...

- What?

Like Mike's in trouble...

'cause I'm interviewing

at Hello America. Give me a break!

I don't have any money.

Russ is helping anyway.

- That dildo's what?

- He's been a big help, okay?

You can stay there.

Fine. I'll stay here with camel toe.

You just take care of stuff there!

You take care of it!

Camel toe? What are you talking about?

I had to find out how kids

taunt Shelly about that...

and you're letting her get taunted.

You're not paying attention

to the way she goes to school!

I take care of everything around here.

Well, I bought her new stuff.

I bought her a bunch

of brand new stuff...

- and she told me all kinds of stuff, so...

- Don't be such a dick.

You have her for one weekend.

You know what, Noreen? Just...

F***! Whatever. Let me talk to Mike.

He's sleeping,

and don't talk to me like that.

More dildo, more f***ing...

Listen, I have to go, Noreen.

I'll talk to you soon.

Whatever.

I thought you were trying

to improve matters with Noreen...

if not reconcile.

I am. What did Frost say?

He wants to speak to me

in about 10 minutes.

It was cold in there.

Would you get me a coffee, Dave?

So I can warm up.

Yeah, Dad.

Dildo. Jacking...

Hi.

Hi. $0.65.

F***.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Poppop went in?

- Yeah.

- Great. Yeah. He wanted a coffee.

Do you have my wallet?

You only had $1.

You should carry more money than that.

I know.

Well, did he say

whether any more therapy could...

No, he didn't have a different opinion

than Pritch.

There's too large a plane.

It's a no-go.

- Well, did he say...

- He said months.

- Did he say a lot of months?

- Well, what's a lot?

I don't know, like 12.

Well, if he meant 12,

he probably would've said a year, Son.

I think he meant three or four.

Well, you have a big day tomorrow.

The Hello America show.

Yeah.

... and here comes the grand marshal,

Dave Spritzel.

Didn't his name used to be Spritz?

Yeah, it sure did...

but he changed it back

to the original Spritzel.

Why the change, Ed?

Well, when you're national,

there's no more up.

So he changed it back...

like John "Cougar" Mellencamp.

He's realer now and more authentic.

- Who's that with him?

- Those are the wife and kids.

Didn't they used to have

a real f***ed-up relationship?

Not anymore.

That's something else that changed.

It seems

Hello America with Byrant Gumbel...

gave them all a fresh start...

and an increase in salary to $980,000

outside promotional fees...

which puts Dave

well over $1 million a year.

- That got his wife's ear, I bet.

- You bet. That buys a lot of face time.

Now everything's great.

- Did he say that?

- Yeah, he told me that...

Hello, America.

What are your hobbies?

Writing. Archery.

And you don't have a degree

in meteorology?

General communications.

Well, listen. We've seen a lot

of your work in Chicago.

Okay.

We think you're great, refreshing.

We love the Spritz Nipper.

Great.

Why don't we run some blue screen,

and we'll do a walk-through on the set?

Great.

Here's your station.

We'll run some screen.

Give me a second to set it up.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm waiting for Mark.

I'm running some screen.

- Dave.

- Bryant.

- Nervous?

- No.

- Sure?

- Yeah.

You look just a little bit nervous.

It's not nerves.

- Other sh*t.

- Yeah.

...mild in the Northwest.

As this high-pressure system

gives way...

we'll see warm temperatures

in New Mexico...

I know it's not neurosurgery...

but green screen is the one part

of my job that's not really easy.

...35 in New York with colder

temperatures west to Michigan...

You need a sense of where put-ons

will come from...

and a pretty strong sense of scale.

...there are travel advisories

in New Orleans and Atlanta.

It's pretty heavy weather...

I've gotten real good at it.

I thought everything went over

pretty well.

So we'll let you know

in a couple of days.

Okay.

This is my father, Robert Spritzel,

and my daughter.

We're a little late for our plane...

so we thought we'd leave from here.

- Yeah, I'm sorry. We kept you late.

- That's cool.

- So you've got the numbers?

- Yes.

There's a built-in with Purina

I forgot. $42,000.

Okay.

- What's a built-in?

- It's a compulsory endorsement...

if I'm offered the job.

- Dog food?

- Yeah. Pet products.

Dave doesn't own a pet.

Well, I have Jackson.

Jackson lives with your wife and kids.

We'll let you know.

- Russ is here.

- Okay.

- Where's Mike?

- Inside.

- Dave.

- Hi, Russ.

He's upstairs.

He's still pretty upset about it.

- Did he talk about it?

- Yeah.

- To you?

- He's told us what happened.

He was with his counselor, Don Boden.

I guess he...

I don't really know why

what happened next happened.

He was talking about my son,

and I was taking my gloves off.

Apparently, they were going to a movie...

- What the f***?

- Why are you here?

- What are you doing?

- Why are you here?

- I'm helping Noreen!

- Why are you helping?

- Dave.

- Son. Jesus.

Here's something that...

if you want your father to think

you're not a silly f***...

don't slap a guy across the face

with a glove.

Because if you do that,

that's what he will think...

unless you're a nobleman or something

in the 19th century...

which I'm not.

- You can get inside okay, Dad?

- Yeah.

"When my back's against the wall,

I order a chink call-girl...

"or I box some rounds with Richie...

"the Puerto Rican southpaw

at Clancey's gym.

"'But tonight,' Roy thought...

"'once I smuggle

this f***ing plutonium out...

"'I'm just going to drink some Scotch

and hit the sack.'

"Roy had picked up Oliver

at his science lab...

"and there he snagged the vials.

"He stashed them

in his computer case..."

My mom discovered an idea

known as a living funeral...

in a book she read

to help her with Robert dying.

It's where someone's family

and friends gather...

like they might at the person's funeral...

only when the person's alive,

so they can see everybody.

- Hey, what's up?

- What's up?

Hey, what's the Nipper?

- What's that?

- What's the Nipper this week?

I don't know.

You don't know yet?

Come on, man.

What? I just asked you

about the Nipper.

Monday, okay? That's the... Okay?

- What's your problem?

- It's February, man. It's cold.

F***!

- F*** you, then.

- F*** you!

Do you know what variance is?

You think you could pick out a day...

a week ahead and give a realistic...

You know?

- Did you know that?

- Weatherman!

God! F***!

I have kids!

I have to go see my kids!

You put f***ing pie sh*t on my coat!

I have to see my kids

with pie on me, man?

Go see your kids with sh*t on you!

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