The Wedding Party Page #5

I could barely afford

the plane tickets

for the honeymoon.

Now with the merger, I

don't even know if my job...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

The same reason you

wouldn't of left.

You know how lucky you are, man.

Look, all you have to do

is make Margene happy.

Sorry, I didn't mean

to interrupt I just...

no.

I have your beer.

Perfect timing.

Sorry.

I actually just saw

some second cousins

from Lawton over there that...

I should go bond with.

Okay, so let me guess.

He was bugging you as to when

you plan on settling down

because Margene asks me

like literally every day.

Why are they always

trying to get single people

to get married?

It's like do you just

wanna drink the booze

at my wedding as payback or...

You know, the more

I think about it...

I feel like married people

were actually recruited

themselves into getting married

and then they settle down,

they realize it's super boring,

and it doesn't

actually work unless

they have other married

friends around to watch like

homeland and sh*t with.

Marriage is...

Marriage is a pyramid

scheme, it is.

Oh my god, I f***ing hate you!

Sorry, she's got Tourette's.

Sexually contracted Tourette's.

You arrogant, neurotic, self

centered, immature, homophobic.

No, no, no, not true,

I'm not afraid of them.

Needy, childish, jealous...

Which is warranted

because you're a skank!

A misogynist!

I am not.

You laughed at

me when I told you

I was sexually harassed at work.

You said it in a funny voice.

You know what, Quentin?

I think the worse

thing about all of this

is that you're

obviously not over me.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm over you.

Yeah, I'm so over

you I wouldn't f*** you

with your 10 foot dick.

Okay well, at least one

of those has one of those,

f*** you Quentin!

Oh, I thought this was over.

It wasn't over.

It still isn't over.

I think actually the animal that

I identify with the most...

Is the wolf.

Oh.

Because it's half wild

animal, part domesticated dog.

Cause a part of me like...

Tries to hunt.

The other part of me is loyal,

likes my tummy scratched.

Oh, are you a lone wolf?

Hungry like the wolf.

And you are adorable.

But I am married.

Oh.

Look at that.

Yup.

Ring on the finger

usually means married.

Yeah, I guess unless

you're Margene, right?

What?

Oh, no, not like she's

loose or anything...

Just saying because the ring...

What?

Nevermind, nevermind,

just forget I said that,

and forget, I'm

sorry, you're married.

Well you give up awfully easily.

I didn't say no.

I said I'm married.

Thought you were a bad boy.

I am, it's just...

You're married, so.

Yeah, well, suit yourself.

But Fyi, my p*ssy

tastes real good.

And my husband and I have

a certain arrangement.

I mean, if you're interested.

Yeah.

Wow, okay, yeah let me...

Let me just use the little

boy's room for a second,

and when I get back,

we'll have an answer.

I'll be here.

Okay.

Occupied!

I'll just go this

way, it's easier.

That's fine.

Oh sh*t I'm sorry,

I didn't know anyone

else was in here.

The more the merrier.

I just need a place to think

for a second.

You know, actually,

I would appreciate

the advice of a total stranger.

You see...

This married woman just told me

what her vagina tastes like.

How would she know what

her vagina tastes like?

That...

I'm just wondering like

you know, do I go for it?

That's taboo, like

how often do these...

stop, look.

I'm you, from the future.

No, I was just like you,

I was always chasing tail...

And then one day,

my hair fell out.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, your standards have

dropped, the screwing...

Won't sedate the the loneliness.

You'll end up bald

with a prostate

the size of a mandarin orange,

and the only sexual

adventure you'll have

is when your wife

brings a young man home.

So...

I don't know.

Go for it!

Oh, this woman...

Is she a redhead

in a purple dress?

Yeah?

Wow.

You'll do just fine.

Yeah.

I will do just fine.

Oh sh*t.

God.

Damn it.

Watch it, dumb broad!

Hey, sorry.

Gosh.

Wow, I was just about to

head to the dance floor,

you wanna join me?

You know what?

It wasn't as cool as

I thought it would be.

Oh right.

Come here.

But yeah, later, you know,

show those jokers how it's done.

Oh, oh, you mean some of this?

A little lesson in

that, you remember that?

A little of that, a

little of that 2008.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, bring it back.

And bring it back,

and bring it back.

And then I'll do

this like we used to...

Hi.

Don't cry Bethanie, don't cry.

You left me without my medicine.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

The millennials for Christ.

Hey, hey, hey!

Have you seen Paul?

Um...

I thought that he

would be with you.

Yeah...

We're trying this whole

divide and conquer thing

to save time, you know, so.

Can I ask you something?

Yes?

Was my wedding perfect, was it?

Oh my gosh, you

look like an angel.

And these dresses that you

picked, they're beautiful,

they're gorgeous, like

you would think that

somebody would actually notice,

that guys would actually

take notice of you, but no.

Just, you look everything...

Everything is perfect.

- Thanks.

- Okay.

Okay, well, I gotta run.

Uncle Pete's not gonna

greet himself, so.

And to me, I find Christianity

is the real social media...

pastor Kyle, thank you.

It was such a

wonderful ceremony.

It was just so...

It was stunning,

thank you, perfect.

I refuse to be a

slave to a trapper keeper,

we are throwing rice.

If a pigeon comes down and

eats it, it will explode.

That can't possibly be true...

it is.

Hello, throwing

rice, it's a tradition.

Oh, I forgot what

a romantic you are.

Do you remember how

you asked me to prom?

Yeah, in a night

tub put on a pony.

Okay, fine.

I will admit it...

High school dances

were kind of the best.

Oh, we would get so dressed up

and then we would dance

to the best songs of 2006.

Oh wait, do you remember...

You don't know me

you don't even care

oh, that was good.

- That was a good song.

- That sh*t was my jam.

That was a good one.

And then you'd be

on the dance floor

dancing cheek to

cheek with your crush,

and you'd get those shivers

up your spine, so cute.

Yeah, when we weren't grinding

to lil Jon or n'sync.

Oh god, and sweating...

Profusely because the 100...

yeah, we were like

disgusting sweaty teenagers.

So gross.

Hundred of us would

be on that dance floor

just packed in, and

you'd look around

and the guys would be

like grinding away,

just all in the hips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like ugh, what's up Kyle?

Kyle was one of these.

He was like oh my

god, you're here.

You're here, and

I just gotta go.

I gotta go, I gotta go.

You're just missing

that awkward erection

we all had.

True, true, I am missing that.

We never danced though.

In all the craziness,

I lost you.

Well, I wanted

to dance with you.

When I found you, you were

dancing with Zeb Buckman.

Oh, Zeb.

I didn't have my

pony, so you know,

how was I supposed

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