The Wedding Ringer Page #13

Thanks, Jimmy.

I've got it from here.

Hi. I've got

something to say.

None of this is real.

(GUESTS GASPING)

Ooh.

Uh-oh.

What?

See,although

the flowers are beautiful

and the salad

dressing is great,

we're not married,

Gretchen and I.

(GUESTS GASPING)

We can't be

because my friend Bic

is not a priest.

Oh, sh*t, here we go.

Yeah. In fact, he's not

even in the Army.

His real name is Jimmy,

and I hired him

to be my best man

because I had

no other options.

Same with all my groomsmen.

I actually don't even know

their real last names.

Bronstein.

...is Japanese.

It's good to meet you guys.

So, please stay

and enjoy the cake.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

What do we do now?

We need to get

the f*** out of here.

Yeah.

Great stuff tonight.

Thank you so much, bud.

Are you out of

your f***ing mind?

(ALL GASPING)

(GASPS)

Look, Gretch,

who were we kidding?

You didn't grow up

dreaming of a guy like me.

Your knight is out there somewhere.

Go find him.

ED:
I'm going to

tear your head off.

You goddamn motherfucking

pathetic piece of sh*t.

Seor, let's just relax. Get

out of my way, you fairy.

Fairy? (GRUNTS)

(GUESTS GASPING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Love you, Dougie!

HOLLY:
Calm down.

GRETCHEN:
You motherfuckers!

I swear to God...

(SCREAMING)

What the f***?

I will cut you!

Sh*t, man.

Good game, kid. That

was a hell of a catch.

(SLAPS)

on.

All right. Thanks.

Hey. No ass-touching

off the field, Joe.

I knew you were

full of sh*t

from the moment I met you.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but if you're ever in the mood,

I know a place that

has great burritos.

You just ruined

my sister's wedding

and you're asking me

out on a date?

Yes, lam.

Can I call you?

Yeah, you better.

I will.

Oh.

(EXHALES) We were

this close, Doug.

Yeah, well,

maybe next time.

Yeah.

Oh.

Here.

You saved me, Jimmy.

Yeah, well,

you saved me, too.

Did you mean what

you said back there?

Am I really your friend?

Yeah, of course I meant it.

Does that mean you

don't want my money?

F*** yeah, I want this money.

I earned this money, man.

Damn it.

So, what the hell

do we do now?

You still have those two first-class

tickets for your honeymoon?

Yeah, why?

I've got an idea.

This is going to be the best

honeymoon ever! (ALL CHEERING)

Ever honeymoon best

the be to going is this!

Cheers, my friend.

To your first guy trip.

Mmm. I'll drink to that.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

Everyone, please,

I need you to

take your seats.

Please fasten

your seat belts.

Can I unfasten

my pants belt?

Oh.

Oh, hello. Would you mind

holding this for a second?

Yes, Doug.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no. Okay.

Oh.

(GIGGLING)

Oh! Hi, there!

(GASPS) You like that,

don't you?

Is that a dog? You can't

have a dog on the plane.

This? No,

it's a service dog.

That's a service dog, man.

Let me show you what type

of service it can do.

Somebody send up

the peanut butter!

No! No peanut butter!

(DOG BARKING)

You put the weed

in the coconut

ALL:

You light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

(HIGH-PITCHED) You put

the weed in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

And you light

that sh*t up

JIMMY:
Stop it, Doug.

I got a bad feeling

about this flight.

Grab your shotgun

Cock it back

Shoot the sun

until the sky is black

Now I sure hope

that the sun got rhythm

'Cause he gonna dance

when that music hit him

Like bang, bang, bang

Darkness falls

In the nighttime

I'm camouflage

Now I-I-I-I

don't know who you are

But, girl, I wanna know

if you can move like this

And I-I-I-I

Don't know

if you gonna tell me

But I wanna know

what your name is

And you-you-you-you

Gonna make me

fall in love with you

If you keep on

shaking your hips

Now can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can move

But can you groove

the way I groove?

Grab your slingshot

Find a stone

Shoot the moon

until the night is gone

Now I sure hope

that moon got rhythm

'Cause he gonna rock

when my stone hit him

Like boom, boom, boom

Let me shine

He should know

that the day is mine

Now I-I-I-I

don't know who you are

But, girl, I wanna know

if you can move like this

And I-I-I-I

Don't know

if you gonna tell me

But I wanna know

what your name is

And you-you-you-you

Gonna make me

fall in love with you

If you keep on

shaking your hips

Now can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can move

But can you groove

the way I groove?

Now why are you

standing on the wall?

Did you come

to dance at all?

I'm watching you,

girl, watching me

If you got moves

then let me see

Can you do this?

Can you do this, lady?

Can you do this?

Can you move like I do?

Can you do this? Can

you shake, shake it, mama?

Can you do this?

Can you break it on down?

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

Can you do this?

Yeah, I can do that

I know you think

that you can groove

But can you move

the way I move?

/

/

/

/

Okay. Yeah.

Okay?

Put your weight

into it.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Oh!

You hit me in my back.

I trust you, you're not gonna do it.

Don't trust me!

(RACKET CLATTERING)

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