The Wedding Ringer Page #12

I expect...

No, I demand perfection.

Yes, Mr. Palmer,

I assure you...

Listen, Menudo,

first you tell me

my family priest

is a goddamn pervert.

Now you tell me Father

McNulty has disappeared.

Mr. Palmer,

I'll take care of this.

You better or I will

f*** you up.

(ORGAN PLAYING WAGNER'S

BRIDAL CHORUS)

Shall we do this?

Do you, Gretchen Palmer,

take Douglas Ephraim

Ben Lazar Menahem Harris

to be your lawfully

wedded husband,

to have and to hold,

through sickness

and health,

till death do you part?

I do.

Do you, Douglas Ephraim

Ben Lazar Menahem Harris,

take Gretchen Palmer

to be your lawfully

wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

through sickness and health,

till death do you part?

I do.

(CHUCKLES)

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(CHUCKLES)

(GUESTS LAUGHING) You

may now kiss the bride.

GUESTS:
Aw. Ladies and

gentlemen, I present to you

Mr. and Mrs. Harris.

(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)

You are about to

blow that back out.

Don't do this here.

Don't do that.

What?

Nothing.

I'm a lounge singer myself

up there in Canada.

What kind of

stuff do you sing?

That's when I knew I was

born to work on feet.

You're a podiatrist?

I'm a podiatrist.

(BLOWS)

Big deal.

Where did you

go to school?

Uh...

You don't remember?

Harvard.

I went to Harvard.

I'm really inspired by black,

American soul singers.

Nice.

Like Tom Jones.

You went to Harvard Podiatry School?

Yeah.

What years?

20?

Oh, wow.

You work out, huh?

Isn't Tom Jones white?

Yeah, isn't he

from Wales?

(GRUNTS)

(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

Mom!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

BRIDESMAID:
Oh, my God.

Well, do you want to see?

Boom. (ZIPPER OPENS)

Yeah, three balls.

Count them.

I thought you said

you was a vegan.

Okay, that's cool.

(CHUCKLES)

I can do it, too.

Stop.

That's mine.

I'm proud of you, Doug. I really am.

Well, thank you, sir.

I have to say,

I learned from the master.

Hey, well,

don't celebrate yet.

We still have

more work to do.

All right, I'm going

to wait for you outside.

Ugh. Can you believe this zipper

already broke? Okay, I'm coming.

Mrs. Harris, can I talk to you for

a second? I'll get the thing.

Uh, listen,

I may be partial here,

but I just want to say

that you have put on

the perfect wedding.

Really.

Perfect wedding?

(SCOFFS)

The zipper on my

$8,000 dress is broken,

the groomsmen are

accosting my bridesmaids,

my grandmother's burned from head

to toe, my dad's knee is shredded.

And don't even get me started

on the salad dressing.

But at least you have Doug.

True love conquers all.

True love? (SCOFFS)

Please. I'm just sick

of dating a**holes.

Doug is a good guy,

he's good family material.

What can I say?

I'm a girl

that's used to a certain

kind of lifestyle,

and Doug can give me

that kind of lifestyle.

So, I've gotta go.

Bud, are you waiting on me?

Yeah. Yes.

Let's,uh,get back out there, huh?

Yeah.

Time for the first dance.

Yes, it is.

(EXHALES)

You are so beautiful

(CAMERA CLICKING)

To me

You are so beautiful

To me

HAL LANE:
Will the rest of

the wedding party

please join the happy couple?

You're everything

I hoped for

You're everything I need

So, who are you really?

I'm not sure I know

what you mean by that.

There has just been some

questionable behavior

over the last

couple of days.

Like you setting my

grandmother on fire. Oh.

The secret military codes.

Mmm-hmm.

"Kitchen cabinets."

What you have to understand

is that the Lord works

in mysterious ways.

(LAUGHING)

And he thanketh...

I don't know

about the Lord.

You work in

mysterious ways.

...me

(APPLAUSE)

Thanks for the dance.

No problem.

Thank you.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

I got to talk.

We got to talk.

It's only a paper moon

What's the problem?

What's going on?

I think I made

a terrible mistake.

Gretchen doesn't love me.

She never has.

Stop it. Stop.

Of course, she loves you.

Why would you

even say that?

I overheard the two of you

talking, okay?

Okay, listen. Maybe she's

confused, or she has the jitters.

That's perfectly normal for a

woman at this stage, Doug.

You have to understand that.

It doesn't matter.

I don't love her, either.

I love the idea that

a girl who looks that hot

could like me.

I couldn't believe it. But

she's not "the one," Jimmy.

She's not even

"the two"

or "the three,"

for that matter.

Doug, nine days ago,

you came to me

and you asked me

to pull off a miracle.

Right now,

we're 30 minutes away

from pulling off

a Golden Tux.

I know. But then what?

Then I go back to

living what turns out

was a pretty lonely life. I

don't want that life anymore.

I don't want to be that guy.

Doug, you have to

calm down.

Everything is going

to be all right.

I don't want it

to be all right.

I want it to be great.

I want my real life to be

as fun as the one I paid for.

No sh*t, Doug.

You don't think

I want that? Hmm?

You don't think I want to

be a Delta Air Line pilot

or the CFO of Lubriderm

or whatever the hell

else I made up,

instead of being some guy that works

out of a renovated f***ing closet?

You don't think

I would ask Alison

to come out and have

a burrito with me?

Me? With Jimmy Callahan?

Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on,

let's go have a beer next week."

"Maybe we can catch a game."

I want to do all of

that sh*t, but I can't.

Because I can't go out

there and tell the truth.

Because you need Bic.

Nobody needs Jimmy, man.

Okay? Not a single soul

needs Jimmy.

That's reality, Doug.

I'm going to go out here and

I'm going to make my toast,

and me and you,

we are done here.

We're done.

I suggest you get your

head back in the game.

It's showtime.

If you believed in me

Good evening. My name

is Bic:
Mitchum,

and,uh,

I just want to say

that it's an honor

to be here.

I've delivered many sermons,

but never

a best man's speech,

so, please bear with me.

(LAUGHING)

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

Doug and I have been

through a lot together.

Happy times and sad.

When I was accepted

into the priesthood,

Doug was there waiting

for me with a huge hug

and a Bible that was

signed by Cardinal Enders.

And when his parents,

Merle and Irene,

passed,

God rest their souls,

I cried as if

they were my own.

You know, my grandmother

once told me

that the true measure

of friendship isn't...

Isn't how you feel

about someone else.

It's about how they make

you feel about yourself.

And, uh...

I can honestly say that

I've never had a friend

to make me feel the way

that you have, Doug.

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

Um...

I'm sorry. Uh...

When Doug called me and told

me that he wanted to propose,

I was nervous. I was probably

just as nervous as he was.

And I remember asking him,

"Are you sure

she's 'the one'?"

(MOUTHS) Damn it.

He told me he, uh...

Stop!

What are you doing?

Just, uh, stop.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know.

Doug.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

(CHUCKLES)

What are you doing, Doug?

Are you sure that you want

to go through with this?

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