The Whole Nine Yards Page #4

You didn't go to Janni.

Jimmy sent me to come to you.

And I know that Frankie

can be very persuasive.

-By the way, how's your urination?

-Fine. Thank you.

So why did you want me

to go see Janni?

So you could tell him where I was.

So he'd come here,

and you'd kill him?

Exacto.

By the way, I'd be happy

to do your wife for you.

-Do my wife?

-Tap her.

-Whack her.

-Whack her?

Oh, see, I thought you meant,

you know....

Because she told me that you,

you know, hit on her.

That's funny.

Why is that funny?

I wasn't gonna tell you this...

...but the truth is,

your wife came on to me.

And...?

We're friends.

Friends do not engage in sexual

congress with each other's wives.

Besides...

...l don't find your wife

particularly attractive.

You just got out of prison.

You've been in prison for five years,

and you don't find her attractive?

She's not a good person.

You've killed 1 7 people, and you

don't think my wife is a good person?

It's not important

how many people I've killed.

What's important is...

...how I get along with the people

that are still alive.

-You gonna finish this?

-Just take it.

We've given it long enough.

Give Janni a call.

The sooner he gets here, the better.

So after you kill Janni,

you go back to Chicago?

No, I'm done with Chicago.

What about your wife?

You gonna get back together with her?

You're gonna kill her too?

For a hell of a lot more than $1 0,000.

You can't do that.

Why not?

Because she's your wife!

You were right about him.

This is one exceedingly sweet man.

Wife like his and still

he believes in wedding vows.

So do l.

Especially till death do us part.

Oh, God. It's my beeper.

I gotta go to the office.

Well, wedding vows or not...

...I'd watch my back.

Your wife's still shopping

for a hitter.

Good luck.

Mr. Tourette, I think we'll

have to pull the tooth.

Oz, what is it?

What's the matter?

I am your friend. Talk to me.

I have to talk to somebody

because I'm gonna--

Take your time.

That's good.

First of all, I just found out

my wife is trying to have me killed.

-Who told you?

-A friend.

-Anyone I know?

-He's my next-door neighbor.

And here's the funny part.

He's a hit man too.

Really? What's his name?

Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.

Jimmy the Tulip?

Jimmy the Tulip lives next to you?

And you know him?

Can you introduce me to him?

He's a professional killer.

You don't understand.

I've wanted to meet him for years.

Please? Come on!

Quick, come on!

-What's this?

-I don't know.

It is you.

Mr. Tudeski, you don't understand.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

I followed your career

since I was a kid.

You're why I'm trying

to get into the business.

What business would that be?

Contract killing.

It's what I wanna do.

If I could have one afternoon,

I know I could learn so much from you.

So come in.

You too.

What's all this?

You know her?

-She's my assistant.

-You know she was a hitter?

Actually, I'm still a virgin.

I haven't killed anyone yet.

Professionally.

Oz was supposed to be my first.

-Excuse me?

-His wife hired me.

That was you?

To make it look like an accident,

I worked for him...

...to familiarize myself

with his habits.

-Get to know him.

-Smart.

But then, after I got to know him,

I started to like him.

-First mistake.

-I know!

You should get close,

but not too close.

-Pour yourself a martini.

-It's 4:
00 in the afternoon.

Don't give yourself a hard time.

Your whole career's ahead of you.

I remember when I was starting out.

I hadn't really done that much.

I'd done a few things, saw some money.

I was doing something I liked.

Then I was recruited...

...by Laszlo Gogolak.

And the first thing he wanted me

to do was whack his cousin.

Is this the Stanley Posilansky

incident?

Anyway, Laszlo doesn't want it

to look like a hit. All right?

So I've gotta get close

to Stanley...

...who was this really charming,

cute, funny little guy.

Weird sense of humor.

Made me laugh.

I liked him as a person.

You know what I mean?

You got too close.

I got too close.

Moment of truth comes....

Choked.

-Him?

-Me. I choked.

Couldn't do it.

I actually....

I told him I was there to kill him.

Can you believe that?

I said, "Run, Stanley.

Go, go. Run. Hide. Off you go."

We shake hands, part as friends.

We turn around to walk away.

This little weasel shoots me

in the back.

And the bullet comes out right here.

So what did you do?

I didn't really like Stanley

after that.

He took a really,

really long time to die.

And this scar's a reminder:

Never get too close.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Not to interrupt or anything,

but you were gonna kill me?

That was the plan?

-What are you doing tonight?

-No plans.

Wanna help us out?

Me and Frankie Figs?

Wait. Are you offering me a job?

If you're interested.

It would be an honor. It would be,

like, a dream come true.

Who's the mark?

Janni Gogo.

Janni Gogo?

Feel my arm. Goose bumps.

Your phone scared me.

There it is again!

-What is wrong with you?

-I don't know.

Okay, good. See you soon.

-Good news?

-Great news.

Apparently, Janni Gogo is on his way

up here, and he's bringing my wife.

Your wife?

Why?

Janni figures he'll take care of her

when he takes care of me.

What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna try to save her?

No. I want her dead too.

Really?

Got a problem?

It's not like I know her.

I can't believe you people.

You're calmly talking about the murder

of a beautiful, innocent woman...

...whose only crime

is that she married you, Jimmy.

I won't listen to this anymore.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna--!

I'm gonna go!

Does this slide?

Answer that.

That's my phone, thank you.

-Who was it?

-They hung up.

Expecting a call?

Explain how that's your business.

Get her bag.

Plane's waiting, and I'm not.

Oh, my God.

You don't like the Walther?

-Go with what you're comfortable with.

-James Bond uses it.

Really?

Still, I like to buy American.

Is there any way I can stop you

from doing this?

Oz, relax. No one's gonna know

you had anything to do with this.

-That's not the point.

-What is the point?

You'll still kill your wife!

I've got a very good reason

to kill my wife.

About 1 0 million very good

reasons to kill my wife.

What if I said no?

What if I said I wasn't gonna

let you do it?

You are the most chivalrous guy

I've ever met.

-Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

-I love him.

Come on.

Relax. Just come sit down

here in your favorite chair...

...have another martini.

Listen to me. Tonight will happen

whether you want it to or not.

And you're gonna help.

Me? Help?

You help.

You're gonna help.

You'll go with Frankie to meet Janni

because if you're not there...

...Janni will get suspicious, get back

on the plane, and fly to Chicago.

And we don't want that.

This is the way it's gotta be, okay?

And...

...I'm telling you this

like a friend because...

...if you screw this up...

...l would hate to--

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