The Whole Ten Yards Page #5

I pointed a gun at your face...

...and said I was gonna

blow your brains out.

Okay? I didn't mean that.

- Come on, knock it off.

- I will when you get rid of that crucifix.

This cross represents my Lord and Savior.

The baby in the manger.

I throw it away...

...I go to hell!

- Coming from a man who's killed 21 people.

- Twenty- one? That's impressive.

- It is, isn't it?

Two years, I've been begging you to go

back to work. Cynthia gets kidnapped...

...you're off to the races!

Off to the races?

''Apologize, then she'll come right out.''

Squeal bag! Squealster!

Remington Squeal!

See what you got me into? Get over here

and you help me out of this jam.

You better make it good.

Snoodster? Hon?

You're gonna be hearing

from somebody else now.

Jill? Scooster?

Snoodster.

I think you're being a little unreasonable.

When he pulled a gun on you...

...that was pretty funny.

Oz, nobody's talking to you.

Hey, you take it easy on Oz, okay?

He's a doctor.

- People see him when they have problems.

- People see him when they have plaque.

- He's a wonderful dentist.

- Pipe it, toughie.

I promise I'll shoot you. Frankly, I don't care

whether we get Cynthia back or not.

Well, that's a bad--

- Oh, trouble in the bedroom?

- What'd you just say?

- Nothing.

- Excuse me, please.

Did you tell him that?!

Did you tell him that, Jill?!

A few moments of erectile dysfunction--

Just a few, really.

- And I'm not a man now? Is that it?

- Stop kicking.

If you didn't love her, you'd take it off.

- Is that it?!

- Excuse me.

Can we please call Lazlo

and make the switch for Cynthia?

No. I'll tell you why we can't do that!

Because that would involve me talking to

my wife, which I am never gonna do again!

I'm going to get drunk.

- You believe this?

- Well, erectile dysfunc--

Shut up. I'm gonna

go get Jimmy. Will you...

...watch Strabo for a while?

- Eat sh*t.

How can he get drunk at a time like this?

Maybe this whole ''erectile misfiring''

is God's way of punishing me.

He sees all things great and small.

You know, I've done

some very bad things. I lie to Jill.

I don't take the trash out.

- I killed 21 people.

- Actually, 22.

- Who'd I forget?

- Frankie Figs.

This is it. This is the reason that God

does not want me to father a child.

He does not want me to spread my seed.

God is counting my seed, Oz.

He's probably up in heaven right now...

...counting my little seeds. 1 38, 1 39...

...1 40--

- Stop, stop! Stop counting your seed.

I don't think God is keeping an eye

on your sperm.

What kind of a job is that for God?

It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.

Fine. Throw up.

Go ahead, you have your fun.

- What about me?

- Why don't you just consider adopting?

Come on, Oz.

How many adoption agencies

are gonna give a kid to a professional killer?

- You may have a point there.

- Maybe I could just steal a kid.

They're small. How hard can that be?

That's the thinking

you gotta get away from.

But I'd be a great father, Oz.

I would. I'd be a great dad.

I'd teach the kid how to play baseball.

- I've always been good with a bat.

- True.

And, I mean, when I was kid,

I had this cool little slingshot, right?

And I could make a slingshot

for my little boy.

And I could teach him how to use it.

And if he couldn't get it right away...

...I'd be patient. I wouldn't yell at him.

I wouldn't make him cry.

Jimmy, there's a lot of people looking.

Things with the husband

not so well going?

I was thinking...

...if you were to have sex

with another man...

...it would make Jimmy jealous.

Oh, yeah?

- Like with who?

- Well, let's say...

...with me, for example.

You look good with a gun.

Did you have a good relationship

with your father, Oz?

- We were like pals.

- Like to kill my father.

Like to take an ice pick

and stick it right in his eyeball.

Still wanna throw up.

Can you help me?

Can you tell me? I mean, what the--?

What the hell is going on here?!

Why are we all on this big,

spinning ball that we call Earth?!

Why? Why?

You ever hear of avoidance behavior?

I don't wanna talk about that--

Let's talk about avoidance behavior.

Like sitting here in a bar...

...drinking shots instead of saving Cynthia?

- She'll be fine, Oz.

- What do you mean?

- I'll tell you one thing:

I am not gonna go out there

and risk my ass for my wife--

- My wife!

- Whatever!

I'm not risking my ass before I get

a few things off my chest.

Fine. Say them. What do you wanna say?

- You know I was a bed wetter?

- You don't do it anymore, do you?

At 1 2, I saw my dad

naked in the shower.

Well, that's probably why you wet the bed.

Very Freudian. Jungian.

- We had some great times.

- You and your father?

No! Me and Cynthia!

- That's almost vomit.

- What was it like when Cynthia told you...

...she was pregnant?

- Oh, well, that was a beautiful moment.

- She's got a great rack, doesn't she?

- I'm sorry?

I mean, she was so wild.

So wild. I mean...

...one time we wrecked

an entire suite at the Hotel Drake.

- Seven thousand dollars' worth of damage.

- Let's stop talking about you and my wife.

I mean, we didn't

come out of the room for four days.

But I don't gotta tell you, do I?

You're married to her,

you lucky son of a b*tch.

- What is this thing?

- What we've been building.

- Get it out of here!

- Why?

Because I hate it!

It makes me sad.

What's happening?

What's happening now?

Where are you going now?

Check.

Good morning...

What the hell is this?

Just give me five more minutes, baby.

You are really noisy in the morning.

Jimmy, what the hell happened

last night?

And why does my ass hurt?

- You fell down the stairs.

- Oh, good. So nothing happened.

Of course not. Not really.

- What does that mean?

- We were just a couple of guys...

...helping each other out. That's all.

- I'm sorry, but what does that mean?

It was a really magical night, Oz.

Don't ruin it.

- What is it now?

- That thing.

- Oh, this?

- I knew it.

- Oh, my God.

- You guys enjoy your slumber party?

This is not what it looks like. Right?

- Where's Strabo?

- He got away.

- I'm kidding. He's right here.

- Okay, well, I'm gonna put some clothes on.

- You want some help?

- I think I'm fine. Thank--

- A little male bonding?

- Just like C block, huh, Strabo?

I fell down the stairs, Strabo.

Going out to get some coffee.

I should probably

put some clothes on first.

Yeah.

- Hey, Oz, can you come in here for a sec?

- Yes.

Listen, that was not what you--

Let me close that.

Why are you bottomless?

I hated that skirt.

- You don't like that shirt too?

- Came with the skirt.

I see. I mean, I really see.

What are you doing?

Oz.

You like my perfume? Smell it.

- I've been a little stuffed up, feeling nasally.

- Smell it.

Yes. Yes, I do.

It's...

You like my bra?

This-- Here it is. It's a purple shirt.

- Give me your hand.

- What are you gonna do--

Give it!

Feel my heart.

I don't think that's your heart.

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