The Yes Men Fix the World Page #5

---

THE BETTER:

I DID AND THE BETTER

MY BUSINESS GREW.

FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS,

THE LEADERS OF MOS POWERFUL COUNTRIES

DID WHATEVER:

THE FREE-MARKETEERS

RECOMMENDED.

AND WHAT THEY RECOMMENDED

WAS SIMPLE.

THE SOLUTION IS NO TO HAVE GOVERNMENT INTERVENE

OR REGULATE IN SOME WAY.

IN FACT, MOST PROBLEMS WILL

SOLVE THEMSELVES IF IGNORED.

LET FREE PEOPLE WORKING

IN FREE MARKETS ADDRESS THEM.

FOLLOWING ADVICE LIKE THIS,

GOVERNMENTS AROUND

THE WORLD GOT RID

OF A WHOLE BUNCH

OF REGULATIONS MEAN TO PROTECT PEOPLE,

LIKE IN BANKING.

I'M CONFIDENT THA THE DEGREE OF HARM

OR SPILLOVER EFFECT,

WHATEVER SUBPRIME

MORTGAGES GO BAD,

THAT THE MARKET WILL

DEVISE WAYS:

TO MINIMIZE AND DIFFUSE

THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS.

THEIFAITH IN THE MARKE WAS UNSHAKEABLE,

BUT WE ALL KNOW:

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

Now with the world's

largest insurance company,

AIG, on the brink

of collapse,

it could mean devastation

way beyond Wall Street.

WHAT OTHER DISASTERS

WEREN'T COMING?

Global warming is silly.

It's not a serious issue.

Warmer is healthier,

warmer is

more pleasant

and that's why states

like Arizona keep gaining

population rapidly.

THERE ARE BENEFITS

TO GLOBAL WARMING.

COLD-RELATED DEATHS

WILL ACTUALLY DECREASE

CONSIDERABLY.

JUST LIKE WITH:

THE SUBPRIME MORTGAGES,

OUR FREE-MARKET FRIENDS

WERE DOING ALL THEY COULD

TO STOP GOVERNMEN FROM INTERVENING.

EXCEPT HERE:

THE STAKES WERE HIGHER.

I THINK:

IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE

THAT IF IT WEREN' FOR GROUPS LIKE OURS,

THAT THE UNITED STATES

MIGHT VERY WELL BE

IN THE KYOTO:

PROTOCOL BY NOW.

IF YOU'VE SEEN

THE ADS THAT WE RAN

ABOUT A YEAR AGO,

WHICH WE PRODUCED IN-HOUSE

ON THIS GLOBAL WARMING,

WHERE OUR CENTRAL CONTENTION

IS "CARBON DIOXIDE--

THEY CALL IT POLLUTION,

WE CALL IT LIFE."

THERE'S SOMETHING

IN THESE PICTURES

YOU CAN'T SEE.

IT'S WHAT WE BREATHE OU AND PLANTS BREATHE IN.

CARBON DIOXIDE--

THEY CALL IT POLLUTION,

WE CALL IT LIFE.

WE GOT LOTS OF HATE MAIL.

TWO SENATORS:

THIS PAST FALL SEN THE LETTER

TO EXXON MOBIL,

CALLING ON I TO STOP FUNDING C.E.I..

SO EXXON WAS SECRETLY

PAYING THINK TANKS

TO TELL US:

WE SHOULDN' REGULATE EXXON.

PUBLIC OUTRAGE FORCED

EXXON TO STOP.

IN FACT, EXXON MOBIL DIDN' FUND US AT ALL THIS PAST YEAR.

THAT WAS GREA BUT EXXON HAD

OTHER WAYS:

TO INFLUENCE POLICY--

LIKE THIS GUY,

LEE RAYMOND.

HE'S A TRUSTEE

OF ONE OF THE KEY

FREE-MARKET THINK TANKS.

HE ALSO USE TO BE

EXXON'S C.E.O.

AND THE YEAR:

HE LEFT THAT JOB,

HE BECAME:

AN OFFICIAL ADVISOR

TO THE U.S. GOVERNMEN ON ENERGY MATTERS.

THIS WAS SCARY.

IF WE LE THE FREE-MARKET CUL KEEP RUNNING THE WORLD,

THERE WOULDN'T BE

A WORLD LEFT TO FIX.

WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING,

SO WHEN WE HEARD ABOU A HUGE OIL CONFERENCE

UP IN CANADA:

WE DECIDED TO GO.

POSING AS:

A BIG P.R. AGENCY,

WE OFFERED THEM:

LEE RAYMOND,

EXXON'S EX-C.E.O.,

AS KEYNOTE SPEAKER.

THEY JUMPED:

AT THE CHANCE.

BUT WHA THEY DIDN'T KNOW

IS THAT ON THE DAY

OF THE TALK:

RAYMOND WOULD BE

SUDDENLY UNAVAILABLE

AND AN ASSISTANT WOULD

STEP IN TO REPLACE HIM.

- WHEW! YUP.

- OKAY.

THIS KEYNOTE SPEECH

WILL ATTRACT SUBSTANTIAL

MEDIA COVERAGE:

AND WILL BE ONE:

OF THE MAJOR HIGHLIGHTS

OF GO EXPO.

WHAT WOULD WE DO

TO SHAKE THIS AUDIENCE UP?

IT WOULD HAVE:

TO BE MORE SHOCKING

THAN ANYTHING:

WE'D DONE BEFORE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING

THAT'S GONNA BE ABUNDAN IN THE WORLD TO COME,

WHAT WITH CLIMATE CHANGE

AND ALL THAT,

IT'S PEOPLE--

DEAD PEOPLE.

THIS IS A PILOT PROGRAM

TO USE THAT FUEL.

IT'S CALLED VIVOLEUM,

AND HERE WE ARE,

MAKING VIVOLEUM.

AS LEE RAYMOND'S

ASSISTANT,

ANDY WOULD:

ANNOUNCE VIVOLEUM--

EXXON'S NEW BIOFUEL

TO BE MADE:

FROM THE VICTIMS

OF CLIMATE CHANGE.

AND HE'D EVEN

HAND OUT A SAMPLE.

SO IT STARTED OUT,

WE MADE ONE REGGIE,

AND THEN WE CAS A BUNCH OF REGGIES IN WAX.

THAT'S HUMAN HAIR

RIGHT THERE.

THIS IS A LO OF EXPERIMENTING

TO FIGURE OUT HOW

TO MAKE A CANDLE SMELL

LIKE HUMAN FLESH.

OW! I LOS A REGGIE.

- QUICK!

- OW!

WE WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT THE OIL MEN KNEW

WHAT THE CANDLES

THEY'D BE HOLDING

WERE MADE OF.

SO WE'D SHOW THEM

A TRIBUTE VIDEO:

TO REGGIE WATTS,

A TERMINALLY ILL

EXXON JANITOR:

WHO HAD VOLUNTEERED

TO BE TURNED INTO FUEL.

I THINK I'D LIKE TO BE--

I THINK I'D LIKE

TO BE A CANDLE.

I THINK A CANDLE

WOULD BE FUN,

BECAUSE THERE'S JUS SO MANY USES FOR A CANDLE.

THERE ARE SIX BILLION PEOPLE

ON THIS EARTH TODAY.

WE'RE PROBABLY USING

THE ENERGIES, MAYBE,

OF A BILLION:

OF THOSE AT BEST.

THEY HAD ME TES A HELLFIRE MISSILE ONCE.

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL.

WE SIMPLY HAVEN'T FOUND

THE MIRACLE FUEL YE TO REPLACE PETROLEUM,

BUT WE'LL

EVENTUALLY GET THERE

IF GOVERNMENT GETS

OUT OF THE WAY.

- THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.

- WE HAD HIS

MIRACLE FUEL,

AND OUR GRANDFATHERS

WERE TURNING OVER IN

THEIR MASS GRAVES.

CTV news with Barb Higgins

and Darrel Janz.

Good evening.

A bizarre situation today

at the GO EXPO

energy conference

at Stampede Park.

Organizers and hundreds

of Alberta oil and gas

executives got duped.

They had been promised

a major announcement

from a major player

in the energy industry.

Attendees paid $50 a head

to hear this speech

from the National

Petroleum Council,

a group that advises

the White House on oil

and gas matters.

WELCOME TO GO EXPO'S

KEYNOTE LUNCHEON.

PLEASE WELCOME:

S.K. WOLFF.

FIRST I NEED TO SAY

HOW WONDERFUL IT IS TO SEE,

ON ALL THE FACES

HERE TODAY,

THE CHILDLIKE EXUBERANCE

OF A GREAT INDUSTRY

IN FULL FLOWER.

AND WHY NOT?

WITHOUT OIL,

AT LEAST FOUR BILLION PEOPLE

WOULD STARVE.

AND STARVING WOULD BECOME

THE NEW BLACK.

BUT I'M NOT HERE TODAY

TO PAT US ALL ON THE BACK.

I'M HERE

TO SPEAK OF PLAN Bs.

AS ANDY BEGAN OUTLINING

EXXON'S TOUGH SOLUTION

TO CLIMATE CHANGE,

10 VOLUNTEERS PASSED OU 300 HUMAN FLESH CANDLES.

THIS VIGIL WOULD BE

LIKE NO OTHER.

WHO FIRST HAD THE IDEA

TO USE THE OIL:

OF A RECENTLY-LIVING ANIMAL

TO LIGH HIS OR HER HOUSE?

EVEN TODAY,

SHETLAND ISLANDERS

CUT THE HEADS:

OFF THEIR PUFFINS

AND PUT WICKS:

IN THE STUMPS:

TO MAKE CANDLES.

WE AT EXXON FIRMLY BELIEVE

THAT A FREE MARKET WILL,

IF LEFT TO ITS OWN DEVICES,

ALWAYS FINDS SOLUTIONS

TO THE DILEMMAS:

THAT HUMANITY FACES.

WE'RE CALLING OUR

NEW TECHNOLOGY VIVOLEUM.

AS ANDY BEGAN TO DESCRIBE

EXXON'S NEW BIOFUEL,

THE CANDLES WERE LIT.

A STRANGE ODOR ROSE

INTO THE AIR.

WHAT YOU SEE HERE IS

AN ARTIST'S RENDITION

OF AN ADVANCED:

LARGE-SCALE PLANT,

THE VIVOLEUM FEED STOCK

IS RENEWABLE, UNPRECIOUS

AND RESPONDS TO THE NEED

OF A SHRINKING MARKE WITH GREATER SUPPLY.

THE DANCE OF CAPITAL

APPEARS IN FULL FLOWER.

FINALLY IT WAS TIME

TO INTRODUCE REGGIE WATTS,

THE DYING EXXON JANITOR

WHO HAD VOLUNTEERED

TO BE TURNED INTO FUEL.

AND NOW WE BEGIN

THE TRIBUTE VIDEO

TO REGGIE WATTS.

I WORKED IN MAINTENANCE

FOR A WHILE.

I MOVED UP TO MAINTENANCE 2.

I STARTED DOING CLEAN-UP--

toxic spill clean-up.

AFTER I HEARD:

FROM THE DOCTOR:

THAT I WAS GONNA DIE,

I felt like I had

something to live for.

I THINK I'D LIKE

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes