The Zero Theorem Page #2

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and we too are better

off left alone.

We fail to see the logic

in wasting time commuting

to a cubicle where we

work independently

amid other workers

similarly cubicled.

We could easily double

the output there

at home.

And our chief concern is

that we might miss our call.

You see, we've been waiting

for a call all our life now.

And, well, we've...

The nature or the origin of our

call remains a mystery to us.

We can't help but hope

that it will provide us with a

purpose we've long lived without.

You're quite insane, Mr. Leth.

We're sorry to have disturbed you.

- Drink?

- No.

MAN:
Drink?

Oh! Whoa, Quinn, you

chrome dome bastard.

Where are you sneaking off?

Sneaky, sneaky.

- Give me that coat.

- We've seen him.

- Who?

- Management.

Would you stop? Management

parties incognito.

- No, this isn't what he...

- You're blowing his cover.

We really must go home now.

JOBY:
No. Look, I'll sort something out.

I'll get you a proper meeting with him.

There's no way you're going

without something to eat.

It's Qohen.

- We've had, apparently, our meeting.

- Just one.

Our diet dictates against any

foods with perceptible flavour.

All right, all right, all right.

Eat, eat, eat. That's an order.

Plenty of eats.

(GASPING)

Plenty more.

Plenty for everybody.

- All right.

- Hey. Hold. Hold it. Yeah.

(CHOKING)

What is the meaning

of life, Mr. Leth?

Ah. So close to its end

and still no answers.

I have a special project for you that

could prove to be mutually beneficial.

There's not a lot of time,

not much time at all.

(GRUNTS)

(QOHEN WHEEZING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Whoo!

()

Okay.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

WOMAN:
You alive in there?

Whoo. Are you okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Excuse us.

- Care to join me?

- Excuse us?

I won't be long.

(URINATING)

So I saved your life.

So what?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I'm Bainsley.

And you are?

Qohen. Q, no U.

And you work with these people?

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

- What do you do?

- Us? We crunch entities.

- You got a mouse in your pocket? Heh.

- Excuse us?

But who's "we"?

Us. Ourselves.

Oh, catchy.

WOMAN:
Hey, help!

You're staring at me.

You think my dress

is incredibly ugly?

Well, it's my daddy's fault.

He used to buy me these incredibly

ugly clothes to keep the boys away.

It didn't work.

Only made me wanna get naked.

And that's no way to

keep the boys away.

Excuse us.

We really must leave now.

No, wait.

Just wait.

Wait.

Did anybody ever tell you,

"Be careful what you wish for"?

- Excuse us? What's all this about?

- You're going home.

(CLOCK BELL RINGS)

Zero theorem.

All very hush-hush.

Management's been handpicking

talent since before I was hired.

Nobody lasts. It's a

guaranteed burnout project.

I worked at it for about three

weeks when I was young.

Drove me balmy.

After Zip-T, I couldn't

crunch Coco Pops.

That's why Management

made me a supervisor.

You might've noticed I'm a few raisins

short of a full scoop. Ha-ha.

That's why he chose

you, I think. Ooh.

Nothing left to lose. The tech boys

should be around at your place now,

changing the locks, setting up the

standard at-home work force security.

I've got my money on you, Quinn.

You'll be proving that

theorem in no time.

- What exactly will we be proving?

- That Management's getting desperate.

(LAUGHS)

()

Have you ever wondered where all

the stuff you crunch winds up?

Voil.

(JOBY CHUCKLES)

JOBY:
Here. Put this on.

Come.

Neural Net Mancrive.

The centre of Management's

entire operation.

Smart as sh*t and still learning.

(IMITATING ELMER FUDD)

Now, be very, very quiet.

We're hunting entities.

(CHUCKLES)

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Working

hard, Bob, or hardly working?

Today's the same, Bob.

Don't mind me, Bob, I'm just getting

Quinn started on the old Zipster.

That's a waste of time, Bob.

I give him two weeks.

That's Bob, summer intern.

- Why does he call you Bob?

- JOBY:
Oh, Bob calls everybody Bob.

He says it's a waste of brain

cells remembering names.

- He's a hardware specialist.

- Isn't he rather young for that?

No, that kid could programme

before he could walk.

(WHIRRING)

Right. Now, here's your software.

Management will send you new

data downloads every week.

How long is this

project going to take?

Don't know. It could take forever.

When I was a little tyke, everybody

thought neutrinos had no mass.

Somebody discovered

they do have mass.

Tiny little bit of mass,

but mass is mass, right?

It's got to add up to something.

That stuff used to keep me awake

at night. Not that you should worry.

Everything's under control. You

got everything you wanted.

Ever get a feeling the world's

giggling behind your back?

Everybody in the universe

is in on some cosmic joke.

Everybody but you.

The only reason you're not

laughing is you're the punchline.

- You ever get that feeling, Quinn?

- It's Qohen.

Working hard, Bob,

or hardly working?

BOB:
Well, it pays the same, Bob.

Pays the same.

(CHIRPS)

LIPS:
Zero currently

equals 93. 78926 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

Your first instalment of processed

data is due for upload in four hours.

Good luck.

(CHIRPS)

Yeah.

Hmm.

(CHIRPS)

(BEEPING)

Yeah.

LIPS:
Hello, Qohen Leth.

Your next instalment of processed

data is due for upload in one hour.

()

Enter number of minutes

needed for target overrun.

(SIGHS)

(MICROWAVE BEEPS)

LIPS:
Hello, Qohen Leth.

This is a courtesy call.

Zero currently equals

93. 789 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

(GRUNTS)

(PHONE RINGS)

- Yeah?

- LIPS:
Hello, Qohen Leth.

Your next instalment of processed

data is due for upload in one hour.

If the target timetable

is attainable, press one.

If not, enter what is

needed for target overrun.

Your next instalment of

processed data is...

(WIND HOWLING)

(ALARM BLARING)

()

LIPS:
Zero must equal 100 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

You seem tense, Qohen.

Let's return to the

subject of your fears.

In past sessions, you have reported

a fear of death, a fear of life,

a fear of open spaces,

closed places,

a fear of people,

a fear of being alone,

- a fear of missing certain...

- No.

We fear a great many things,

but we fear nothing most of all.

- Please go on.

- In what manner?

- Are you trying to be difficult?

- Not at all.

It seems we're capable of being

difficult without trying.

We've spoken about your fears.

Let's speak about your joys.

At present, there's very little we

can think of that brings us joy.

What brought you joy in the past?

(SIGHS)

- We recall enjoying food once.

- What was your favourite food?

That, we can't recall.

At present, we feel no joy.

What do you feel?

Nothing.

You're a tough nut to crack, Qohen.

And, of course, I don't mean

"nut" in the pejorative sense.

Let's examine...

(PHONE RINGS)

LIPS:
Hello, Qohen Leth.

This is a courtesy call.

Your next instalment of processed

data is due for upload in one hour.

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