The Zero Theorem Page #5

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Was she looking at me funny?

We've grown accustomed to

people looking at us funny.

Yeah, but you are funny looking.

(ON RECORDING)

Not Just A Pizza, yum, yum

All right, I gotta run.

You can have the rest.

QOHEN:
Our diet precludes pizza.

All right, well, save it.

I'll study your files, be

back first thing tomorrow.

()

(LAUGHING)

- BOB:
You're late.

- I'm right on time, Bob.

BOB:
No excuses. Don't

let this happen again.

I'll be back, Q, you can

trust me. Let's go.

Why would we trust you?

You trusted everybody else.

Might as well trust me.

Lose the "we" thing. I can't

work with it. Too annoying.

Just ask the doc if

you don't believe me.

()

(SLIM SCREAMS)

One size does not fit all.

(BLEEPING AND WHIRRING)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(BLEEPING)

(KAREN SOUZA'S "CREEP"

PLAYING ON WEBSITE)

Hey.

When you were here before

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel

(BEEPING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

()

BAINSLEY:
Like it?

I made it just for you.

The hair.

Something special

for a special guy. Heh, heh, heh.

We're not at all

sure it's quite us.

Don't be silly.

We no longer drink.

But you can do anything

you want here.

You can drink and never get drunk.

And you can eat and never get fat.

Let's forget all about hammering

out dents in sheet metal. Hoo!

Mm.

- Huh.

- Hm?

Good?

Hm?

Where is this place?

All in your mind,

or my mind.

Mm.

Do you feel this?

But it's not real.

It's better than real.

You're in your computer.

I'm in mine.

We're connected by memory

chips and fibre optics.

And we're safe here.

Just trust me.

And let's get this party started.

Ah! Oh! Ha, ha, ha.

Ooh!

()

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, come on.

Just come. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey. Go. Whoo!

Yah!

(LAUGHING)

Here, here.

Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Hey?

Qohen?

Qohen?

()

(GASPING)

(GRUNTS)

()

Who knew?

Can we die here?

I don't think so.

I hope. You're not supposed to.

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

Apparently, Management has assigned

his own son to get us our call.

We really think that he's far too young

to be entrusted with the responsibility

- of such an extent that...

- Oh, don't be such a wuss, Q.

Bob's a genius.

Whiz kid, super brain.

And if you don't know

that, shut up and listen.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS)

Yo, you cannot

Will not help you, Q

We do wanna help you

Ain't it true?

But we won't help

you get your call

We will not help

you, not at all

Until you function

None will trust

First-person plural Q's are out

We got a plan for your sure cure

That gives you singular...

(BEEPING)

How did you tamper with

our Shrink-Rom programme?

Oh, it's easy. She's a tool

too, in case you didn't notice.

Anyway, how long have you been

talking like the Queen of England?

- Longer than we can remember.

- Stop. F*** off.

A former therapist suggested

it as a way to...

Yeah, yeah.

As a way to closer

relate to humankind.

Yeah, you keep it

up, I'm gonna hurl.

Dear old Dad says I can use

Mancom to get you your call,

as long as you keep

crunching, of course.

He's all hot on you.

We can't imagine why.

I've been wondering about that too.

I figure there can only

really be one reason.

You're the one, Q.

You are the chosen one.

You're the one the oracle said

would someday come to us.

No. My guess:
The old man picked you

because you're such a work dog.

The man says mush,

you hit the harness.

You drag that sled till you drop.

You have any idea what the

zero theorem is all about?

Never seemed important.

Okay. Here's the poop, the whole

poop, and nothing but the poop.

You're trying to prove that the

universe is all for nothing.

All matter, all energy, all life,

it's just this one-time-only

Big Bang glitch.

Expanding universe will

eventually contract

into a super dense black hole.

Gravitational forces will be

so strong that everything

will get squeezed into a

point of zero dimension,

and "poof" the centre disappears.

No space, no time, no life,

no afterlife, nothing.

- Nada, zilch, zip, zero.

- Stop.

How would anyone believe

such a horrible thing?

What's so horrible? I believe it.

Nothing's perfect.

Nothing lasts forever.

It's nothing to worry about

if you really think about it.

Your father should've assigned

the zero theorem project to you.

Well, he's been trying to,

for as long as I can remember.

- But I refused to work on Zip-T.

- Why?

Well, because I'm nobody's tool.

All right, that's your job.

LIPS:
Zero must equal 100 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

Zero must equal 100 percent.

(DIALLING)

Thank you.

(ON RECORDING)

Not Just A Pizza, yum, yum

(KAREN SOUZA'S "CREEP" PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

When you were here before

(COMPUTER BLEEPING)

Couldn't look you in the eye

Hey.

You're just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

(BEEPING)

- Don't. Don't, Qohen.

- Don't what?

- Don't use this girl.

- We have no intention...

You've built a wall. How is she to

know what she'll find inside there?

She's an emotionally damaged

girl, you're emotionally bereft.

This interruption is unacceptable.

We insist you run a

scan on your programme.

(BLEEPING)

Oh. Heh.

I'm sorry about that. Glitch fixed.

(BLEEPING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

()

QOHEN:

Shouldn't the sun have set by now?

I like to keep it this way.

Yeah.

- But it's not real.

- Heh.

Who cares?

What's the matter?

Hm?

Hey, want to have some fun?

Just take us someplace else.

QOHEN:
Us?

- Where?

- Wherever.

A place all your own.

All you have to do is imagine it,

and the VR programme will do the rest.

Come on, take a chance.

I'm giving you the control.

Close your eyes.

And now

picture it in your mind.

Take us someplace special.

()

BAINSLEY:

Wow. Heh, heh. What an imagination.

Ooh. Where's my bikini,

Mr. Qohen Leth?

What's wrong?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Ah! Qohen, stop!

Just close your eyes!

- We can't!

- Qohen, stop!

Is that what's inside you?

How can you live with

that kind of emptiness?

One day at a time.

Tell me you love me.

Just tell me.

I can help you.

We can help each other.

Tell me you love me.

Just trust me, Qohen.

()

Oh, yes, Bainsley.

Yes, Bainsley, yes.

Yeah, here we can love you.

No more being alone.

No more phone calls.

- No more projects.

- No. No, don't even think that.

- Don't say that.

- Here, Bainsley. We can love you here.

- We don't care about anything.

- No, Management won't allow it.

Oh, Management. He has

no control over us.

No, don't even think it. Qohen.

We can think what we want.

- If Management doesn't like it, we quit.

- No!

(GRUNTING)

(COMPUTER BLEEPING)

(WINGS FLAPPING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING

OVER EARPHONES)

Oh, yeah

QOHEN:
Excuse us, Bob.

Starting a chain reaction

Bob!

Hey, hey, wanna keep it down?

I'm trying to think.

- How you doing with the mensicles?

- We're not precisely certain.

Yeah, well, mush on, Q. Mush on.

(PHONE RINGING)

Jesus.

Answer your f***ing phone. Yeah?

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