Think Like A Man Page #13

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Yeah, I mean, who needs

to put up with their sh*t?

And their demands, the nagging...

The expectations.

Expectation is the catalyst for all of that.

- Here we go.

- You know what's funny?

Gail used to love it when

I cooked Bolognese sauce from scratch.

Like, that was her favorite, so...

All right, boys, we are free

to do whatever we want,

with whoever we want,

whenever we want, all right? To freedom!

Freedom!

Ced, lift your glass, man, get involved.

- Right, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

- Take that shot, baby.

To freedom.

Bottoms up.

Don't need them.

I gotta piss.

I'll be right back.

Look like you gotta take a dump,

the way you moving.

What?

Gail, ain't nobody calling to fight

with you right now.

- What the hell do...

- Look! I'm coming home.

Really, Cedric?

Gail, let me tell you something.

That's my house, too, Gail!

I pay the bills in that house!

It's my house, too. I'm coming home.

Which is where I belong, girl.

Gail, I'm tired of this tough sh*t.

I miss you, Gail.

Gail, I ain't been the same, man.

I'm out here,

I'm out here on these streets and sh*t.

I'm out here in the strip clubs.

These girls calling me by my first name,

like, I'm there every day!

Which I am, but that's

because I'm going through something, Gail.

I need to be held. I need you to rub my back.

Put me in my onesie.

I changed, I need my woman back!

I'm around all these men and sh*t!

I don't want it. I don't want that life no more,

I want you and Jesus.

And that's it.

Okay, Big Daddy.

What you say?

How soon can you get here?

Like... Like 20, 22, 23 minutes.

Bring your sexy ass home. I'll be waiting.

You want me to bring you something?

You want like, some Doritos, or something?

'Cause I can stop and get it, baby.

Whatever makes you happy.

- Just come home.

- Okay.

All right, I love you.

Oh, sh*t.

Thank you.

Yup.

Good sh*t, brother. Go home to Gail.

Just wipe sh*t on my back?

You didn't even wash your hands, man?

Who the hell shits with a hat on, anyway?

- She said she was coming from Shanghai.

- I remember her.

Fellas, I will see you later.

Let's all cash out, we'll go together.

You going to the Ass Factory, right?

Gail is taking me back, I'm going home.

Home!

Girl, I am married. Please!

Thank you. Married man!

That night, we all realized that the plots,

plans and schemes couldn't compare

to one simple thing, the truth.

Mama!

Oh, what the hell?

Hey, baby.

Oh, flowers, breakfast. Yeah.

You're a little early, sweetie.

I know, but I wanted to come by

so I could tell you that

I'm not gonna be able to make it

to the anniversary today, Mom.

There's some place I gotta be.

Well, it's our 75th at the church.

What's wrong, sweetie? Where you gotta be?

With Candace. At her family reunion, Mom.

Well, good for you.

Okay, sweetie.

- Really?

- All right.

Now, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, okay?

Time for you to go.

Loretta, it's my turn to spank you.

Deacon Johnson?

- You got the keys for these?

- Put those down, fool!

How long has this been going on?

Ninety days.

More like 91.

I'm sorry I stretched your T-shirt.

How you doing, Michael?

- All right, fool, go on upstairs now.

- You know, these pills cost $19.

Mom, you got him with my loofah?

Baby, go on. Go ahead, go ahead.

Listen here, fool!

I done told you I'd bring that coffee upstairs,

you old, nasty fool.

Look who I found.

Okay, third time I hope is a charm.

Actually, I think it is.

- Go ahead, tell them.

- We want to make an offer.

- I told you this was gonna happen.

- No, you didn't, actually.

This is great news.

We sort of had an instinct about you guys.

Kris?

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, I can't. I'm in the middle of something.

This is important.

Not a problem. Take your time.

I'm gonna get the paperwork,

and we can get started.

I'm really sorry.

Did someone die?

What? No.

Well, you have a suit on, so I...

- I got the job at Neversoft, Kris.

- Really?

Yeah.

I mean, that's cool.

I hope you didn't do it for my benefit.

I did. At first.

But somehow, through all the pretending,

I figured out I wanted it for me.

And now that I have it, I want it for us.

You were the first person I wanted

to call when I got the news,

and the fact that I couldn't drove me crazy.

You're the last person I think about

before I go to sleep at night, Kris.

Look,

I miss you.

Oh, honey.

I miss you and I want you back.

So sweet.

I want to buy you a house.

That's my man, step up there.

I want to buy you this house.

Back up, b*tch. You ain't buying my house.

Oh, it's fine.

How the hell he talking

about buying my house?

Breathe.

I'm breathing, I'm breathing. I got it, I got it.

Okay.

I want to be your wife.

And I want you to be my husband...

I want to be your husband.

And I want you to be my wife

so bad.

So...

Will you marry me?

It's a yes.

- Oh, she did it.

- Go ahead, my man.

- She did it 'cause she changed the game.

- She did what?

Don't worry about it.

Even Zeke was singing a new tune.

That last one was B*tch Betta

Have My Money byAMG.

I don't really feel like

being out of the house right now.

Come on. You know the best way

to get over an old guy is to get a new one.

- You're coming.

- ...make sure you show him some love.

Zeke, come on up.

Hey, thank you.

Oh, my God.

I haven't really played this song in years...

Is that...

...but it was inspired by

a very special woman who

is definitely worth waiting for.

Last night I had a dream about a dream

About you

- I gotta get out of here.

- Mya!

Mya!

Mya, will you hold up? Mya?

You think you can just sing one song

and everything's gonna be forgotten?

No! I was just hoping it would be a start.

You know what? You know,

you can't change a person's nature, Zeke.

That is not true.

I know for a fact that that's not true.

- How?

- Because I want to start over.

I want 90 more days.

Without sex?

If that's what it takes.

I don't want the sex, Mya. I want you.

That's bullshit.

Okay, that's bullshit. Yes!

Of course I want the sex.

But the difference is the sex

is all I wanted before I met you. Now,

I want you.

Okay?

Now? I want coffee.

I want to stay up all night

talking about your crazy childhood. I want...

I don't know.

I want to talk about Aristotle's Caves.

It's Plato's.

Plato got caves, too?

Yeah.

Mya, I love you.

I'm in love with you.

I've never said that to anyone in my life.

Then why didn't you just say so?

Turns out that my epiphany

had a domino effect.

Everyone was actually stepping up

with their women. For real this time.

I didn't get any of this.

Candace? Your mother tells me

that you're still single.

Don't worry about it,

because I think I have a solution.

I have somebody I think would be perfect

for you at my office. Her name is Amy.

Her? She's not in that chapter.

Well, she might want

to read the book, honey.

Mom! Mom!

Thanks, Duke. I got this.

- Hi, ladies.

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