Think Like A Man Page #3

---

- Husband?

- No...

- You got a boyfriend?

- No, I have a son.

Well, how about dinner?

Yeah.

- I finally get it.

- Get what?

Getting Jeremy to propose

is like getting Jeremy to paint the kitchen

or put the toilet seat down.

It's not gonna happen until I require him to.

And I haven't required him

to do a damn thing.

You know we still go halfsies on everything?

- I thought that was your idea.

- Yeah, in college.

He was work study and I felt sorry for him.

And I am still paying for it, to this day.

Hey, I'm Kristen.

- Hi, welcome.

- Welcome, please sign in.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you. Six months.

Yeah, and we can't wait.

Thank you.

Here, come on.

- Watch your step.

- See, that is a man with a plan.

He knows what he wants,

he knows what he has.

I sell beautiful homes for a living

and we live in a frat house for the boys.

Last Valentine's Day, the boys were there.

So, you're saying, you're...

My God, I'm one of the boys,

except I have a vagina!

I swear to God, Frodo Baggins had it easier.

- I'm sorry, who?

- Frodo, from The Hobbit.

I don't do hobbits.

Right, no, me neither. That's so lame.

Jeremy had a chess set.

It's totally stupid.

Okay, so what are you gonna do?

You're gonna trick him

into giving you a ring?

I'm not gonna trick him.

I'm going to require him.

It's been nine years.

So, what makes you think

it's gonna change now?

I've got some new information.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, because Steve says

"Don't hate the Player..."

Change the game.

It's your shot. Wait!

You gotta raise your left leg.

H-O, you're a ho.

Really? I'm a ho?

I've been with the same woman

for nine years.

I'm the Stedman Graham of relationships,

all right?

Bro, I'm not saying ho like "whore."

I'm saying ho, like punk b*tch

that's been henpecked,

so he ain't got no more nuts,

'cause his girl runs the house.

- Speaking of which, how's Kristen?

- She's incredible.

We were up till 2:00 a.m.

playing Call ofDuty last night. She loved it.

She does it... She does it for you.

I know my woman, okay? Fantasy?

Science fiction? Action figures?

- All the stuff I love, she loves, too.

- No, she does that sh*t

for you, trust me.

Deep down inside, she's thinking...

This is some silly-ass sh*t.

What the hell?

No wonder Jeremy hasn't proposed yet,

he hasn't gone through puberty.

It's time for a little spring cleaning.

You first.

No, no. That's your problem, Gail.

You don't never want to listen,

you just want to talk.

What'd I say?

I said I'm gonna be there tomorrow.

No, no, no. Listen, Gail...

- I'm not gonna go back and forth with you.

- Oh, man.

'Cause I'm trying to talk and you ain't gonna

let me say what I... Hello?

Gail?

Did it again. Hung up on me again.

What do you call the three rings of marriage?

No clue.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring,

and the suffer-ring.

Oh, and, in your case, the beat-ing.

This is not the time. You know,

y'all underestimate me because I'm short.

No, it's 'cause you a fool.

What up? What's happening, baby?

The hell's wrong with you?

- You're stoned.

- Yeah, you're high!

Either you're high, or everything

on my eHarmony profile is true.

I'm high off life, gentlemen.

I met this girl.

No, matter of fact, she's not even a girl.

I met a woman.

But you are a woman.

Order up!

Hey, guess who's back. Table eight.

She is way out of your league, Dom.

Ain't no such thing, playboy.

All right, she probably spends more here

in one night than you make in a month.

That's true, but, you know, just think

how much she'll save if I cook for her.

Oh, you crazy.

Dominic. Scallions?

All right, Chef, coming up.

- Well, you look cute. What's going on?

- I do?

- Yes.

- Thank you, that was nice of you.

Just, you know, Duke made Little League,

got a new laptop, met a guy.

I think I'm gonna try the white sea bass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Met a what?

A guy.

A real one? Not a blow-up doll?

Okay, don't look so surprised. It's not that...

Honey, I'm just saying,

it's been two years since your divorce.

And three, maybe four, since you had sex.

I said I met a guy, Lauren,

I didn't say I was changing my last name.

Yet.

I need all the details, honey. Now. Spill it.

- Is she hot?

- Pure fire.

Does she got real big titties?

Yeah, what's the rack like?

Tell us about the rack.

The rack. Definitely some white boy sh*t.

It is white boy sh*t. We love breasts.

You're not even white, Bennett. You're clear.

- He's got kind eyes. Soulful.

- Yes!

He's sensitive.

I know she got a fat ass.

She got that JLo, Serena Williams mash up.

Ass so big, I could hide underneath it

if it was raining.

- That's way too much ass.

- No such thing.

Damn right, it ain't. The bigger, the better.

But it wasn't just a physical attraction,

it was intellectual.

He loved

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

He bought one for his mom's book club.

Isn't that sweet?

Yeah, and kind of gay.

He's a gentleman.

- Yo, she a ho. I know she a ho.

- Oh, definitely a ho.

Both of you, you both watch your mouth,

all right? This one's not a ho.

She's a lady.

- Whipped already.

- Enjoy it while it lasts, Mike.

Let me tell you something,

it ain't gonna last forever.

They all start out happy.

See, but here's when it gets real.

When you wake up in the morning,

and you go in the living room,

and you catch her pissing

inside of your Jordans.

And not the regular Jordans.

I'm talking about the ones

with the patent leather on the side,

where the pee don't come out.

Don't listen to them, Mike.

Relationships are beautiful.

- Just saying.

- So, when are you guys going out?

Saturday night.

She got to find a sitter, first, and then...

What, like a dog sitter?

No, she has a son.

- What?

- She has a child.

All right, well,

be careful dating a baby mama.

- Why?

- Because she's the baby mama.

Dude, she ain't looking for a couple laughs

and some butt-naked sex.

She been a couple laughs

and some butt-naked sex.

- Preach.

- She looking for a husband.

A father for her son.

Speaking of which, where's the baby daddy?

- Oh, good question, Zeke.

- Thank you.

Could be a psycho.

Just got paroled

for killing her last boyfriend.

Or he could be one of those guys

that like to hide in a bush

waiting for a strange guy

to come to his baby mom's house.

And when he gets there,

he pops out the bushes

hits this guy on the back of the head

with a brick.

Without even realizing that this guy's

relationship with his baby mom was platonic.

They ever catch that guy?

No, it's a cold case.

The cops won't even revisit the case.

They said they couldn't find the brick.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

- None of that matters.

- Really?

'Cause you should see her smile.

- Oh, sh*t. All right! Okay.

- Good night, Mike.

Talking to you about bricks!

You wanna go talk about a smile.

- There is one thing, though.

- I knew it, he was born a woman.

No.

- He's, you know, he's...

- He's what?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes