Think Like A Man Page #4

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A little younger.

You have kidnapped a cub, haven't you?

No, I'll have you know,

he seems very mature, actually.

Wait a minute,

why am I getting all worked up?

We haven't even had a date yet.

I still need to qualify

if he's even a contender.

Qualify?

What are his long-term goals?

What are his short-term goals?

Can he provide?

Don't hit him with all that at once.

I know, don't worry. I intend to be stealth.

You? How?

By acting like a lady, but thinking like a man.

Oh, you fell for that sexist crap?

He's actually giving insight

into a man's perspective.

Why should I have to lower my standards

to get a man? Who does that?

I'm sorry. Now, what man?

I just want my equal.

Okay? Or at least an attractive, cultured man.

Who's over six feet tall, makes six figures,

and isn't intimidated by my success.

Okay, girl. Quit chasing the ghost

of James Merrill's past.

He is married and long gone.

That man was fine.

Here we go. Let's do a little research, here.

- This is you.

- Please, I don't...

"Strong, independent, and lonely women."

I don't need some bald-headed man

on a book

telling me I am strong and independent.

Honey, that's a given.

But you forgot lonely.

You are a b*tch.

You're too strong, Lauren.

There's no such thing as too strong.

And you know what?

If I were a man, being the youngest COO

of a Fortune 500 company

would actually be a good thing.

Women would flock.

Yeah, but men flee when you lead with that.

And it's not just yourjob, Lauren.

Remember what Marcel said

on your last date,

after you trumped his wine choice?

- It was a better choice.

- What were his words again?

"You don't need a man, Lauren,

you are a man."

Happy belated birthday. For you.

I'm just saying, all this waiting for better?

It's making you bitter.

Hey, babe?

I stopped off for a beer,

but picked us up some dinner.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! My anime posters!

We got robbed!

Kris! Are you home?

Yes. Where's the fire? What's going on?

Have you not noticed

that we've been robbed?

I just tidied up a little bit. Relax.

- Tidied up?

- Yeah.

Justice League? Darth Vader? SpongeBob?

Where are they? Are they okay?

They are safe. They're fine.

I just thought we could paint the living room.

Paint.

- Okay.

And redecorate.

- Redecorate?

- Yeah.

I thought you loved that stuff.

Why would you want to do that?

Because it looks like

we live in a frat house, Jeremy.

- Oh, stop it.

- We are adults, for Christ's sakes.

We make a decent living.

I think it's time to invest

and make this a real home.

With matching dishes and glasses

and a new couch.

Well, what's wrong with my couch?

Baby, you pulled it out of a dumpster.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure Annalisa was impregnated,

like, right there.

It's got cigarette burns, bong spills,

there was the scabies scare of '06.

- You're being dramatic.

- No, I'm really not.

Your aunt who tinkles when she laughs?

She pissed all over the couch last Christmas.

It's disgusting. We're like animals.

I cleaned up the bong spill

and the cigarette burns.

This couch has history.

And now it is history.

So, here are some new ideas.

I thought we could look it over.

Research some new styles.

Gotta zero in on a color palette.

I know you like mauve. You know?

There was that period you went through,

where you were partial to salmon.

Yeah, I'd rather watch Letters to Juliet

with you again.

I know you would. 'Cause you cried

at the end when they got reunited.

I wasn't crying, okay?

I was having an allergic reaction

to the perfume in the theater.

You bought the soundtrack.

It's a good soundtrack.

Look, I'm really bad at this. Okay?

Please, can you do this?

- Without me?

- Really?

Really.

By myself?

Yeah.

- I trust you.

Awesome.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

Where is the last guy that you slept with

in less than 90 days?

You mean, John?

Hey! Baby!

'Sup, girl?

Hey, I had a great time the other night.

Oh, did you, Alex?

Yeah, Melanie. I was gonna call you...

Melanie? It's Mya, negro.

Yeah. I gotta go. So, I'll call you.

I know you did not just call her Melanie.

It's okay.

I'm not even gonna let him get to me.

I am in a better place

and I am on another level.

I don't know, Sonia.

I feel like I have X-ray vision.

Like, Man Goggles.

We spend all this time complaining about

how guys don't want to be in relationships,

they just want to hook up.

But really, all along, we've had the power.

Right. We have?

Yes! We control the cookie.

She who controls the cookie

controls the game.

Okay, I got it. What's the cookie?

- It's a metaphor.

- For what?

For...

- Yes. The cookie!

- The cookie!

I got it. The cookie!

I'm telling you, the power's in the cookie.

So, how do we control the cookie?

By putting it in the cookie jar,

clasping the lid on tight,

and leaving it in there.

Okay.

Until some little boy actually grows up

and earns it.

I get it.

It's kind of like when my cousin had

the five-date rule. It was similar to that.

Oh, no. That's child's play.

I'm thinking something

a little bit more radical.

See, this is why you need to get the book,

because it has a whole chapter on it.

"Getting The Respect That You Deserve:

The 90-Day Rule."

Are you high?

- No.

- Who is waiting 90 days?

If it's good enough

for the Fortune 500 company,

it's good enough for me.

See, when I worked at Ford Motor Company,

there was a 90-day probation rule.

I had to be on the job for 90 days

before they gave me a benefit package.

Ford figured this,

"Let's see how he performs.

"If he comes in on time, if he proves himself,

then we'll give him benefits."

So if Ford Motor Company waits 90 days

to pass out their benefit package,

why won't women wait?

You see, that's our problem.

It's that we keep giving it away

to some Axe body spray wearing man-ho

who thinks my name's Melanie.

But it doesn't matter,

because a girl's got needs.

Listen to yourself.

Do you really think you could wait 90 days?

Yes. I spent six months dreaming about

a guy that I met once at a wedding weekend.

The one you had sex with at the beach?

Yes, who never called.

Yeah, so,

I definitely think I could do 90 days.

Matter of fact,

I could do 90 days before 90 days.

I am so sick and tired of men.

Maybe I should start dating women.

My God, I'll give you 50 bucks

if you guys kiss.

- But there has to be tongue.

- Boy, get out of here!

Gave it a shot.

What is wrong with the men

of this generation? Like, what?

I ask myself that same question every day.

Whatever happened to respect for women?

Whatever happened to decorum?

May I have the honor of buying

you two lovely ladies a drink?

Absolutely. And thank you for asking.

- We would like...

- Why?

Is it that you crave

scintillating conversation?

Or that you want to discuss the politics

and nuances of the Chechnyan War?

You know, I don't really discuss politics

on the first encounter.

- And neither do we. This is why I'm...

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