Third Star Page #3

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Am ... you were talking about the Chinaman

No, nono .. the brown Vaders should be here

So everyday I started coming down to look

A month went by. Then two. Then three...

I started thinking I was... crazy

But then one morning I found a yogurt pot

It had a 'sell by' date on it:

November 1980

So stuff is being washed up here

from that exact year

- Obviously, I kept on looking

- Obviously

A year, two years. Still no Brown Vaders

- And then last month ...

- No!

No, but ...

It's a light saber.

from a Darth Vader made between 1980 and 1981

They're here ...

- I never heard anything like it in my whole life!

- That makes two of us

- I need a piss

- No! Let me

- I'm dying to see James's cock, it's been ages

- I'm going down there!

- Your friend is ill

- No, he's just excitable

Not him, the other one

Yes. He's got cancer. It's terminal

Right. I lost a friend to cancer.

My best friend ever

- Sorry.

- It's not your fault

Its just really really, really, really,

really, really unlucky.

- Right.

- I have other friends

People find me attractive

But I started looking for a new best friend

from my existing friends and

then acquaintances, and then new people

- How long are you gonna carry on looking?

- For a new best friend?

- No, for the ...

- Oh

No I tend to look for things. I'm okay

Great to be needed. Isn't it?

I'd forgotten

- Maybe you're one of the lucky ones

- Yeah

- Rare ... a gift. There already

And good

- Thank you, I ... thank you

- No. Thank YOU

- Where are you going?

- To sh*t

Enjoy your walk

- I LOVE that dude!

- I really thought he was going to kill us

Possibly f*** us. And then eat us

- He could turn around and stalk us

- He was ... I don't know he was actually

Davy. Did he touch your private place?

Okay, that is wrong

It's the third star to the right

and then straight on till morning

- Well I thought it was second star

- Well, f***, the one of the lot

You've been hitting the morphine

kind of hard

Guys! If this weather keeps up, how about we

anchored down here for an extra night?

No. I have to get back to work

I still think we're carrying too much stuff

I mean.. the fireworks

- Fireworks?

- Davy!

- What fireworks?

- You've ruined it!

Sorry, but

We had this idea, because you love

looking at the stars and

Dancing through the cosmos that we put on

a firework display for you at Barefundle

But they weigh a ton so can we

just light the f***ers here?

Did you light all of them?

F***ing hell!

Oh f***! F***!!

F***ing great! What do we do now?

You f***ing idiot!!

- You idiot!

- It was Bill as well!

It was ... an accident

You f***ing child!!

'Oh my God he's funny!'

Oh how humorous! We're all gonna have to

sleep in a tent that was made for ...

f***ing anorexic pygmeys!

Ah come, we'll have a little cuddle

Right. I got my knife. So any of you starts going

'Brokeback', I'll be going 'Rambo', alright?

Oh, God, you feel good...

So how you turn the light off then?

- You twist it round

- What?

- Turn the ... that's it

Alright?

Yeah

- Dance, dance, wherever you may be

- No!

- I am the Lord of the Dance, said he

- No!

Who packed these?

You know you can use condoms to cover

a microphone actually

To record dolphins underwater.

That's what they use

Cool. Everyone get that? It may

not come up but - thanks Bill

We shouldn't have cooked all the

beans tonight

- We've plenty of food.

- I'm not worried about me!

- Jesus, stop!

- Stop what?

Stop making sure he gets to do this bloody trip?

You two don't have any idea how much

responsibility I have to take so you

can just piss about

- You get thanks all the time

- Well, that's nice

- Why are you so desperate to be needed?

- I'm glad you see it like that. I don't

I'm grateful!... But what are you gonna

do when I'm not around? I can't picture it

- Who knows, Jim?

- Yes but before you used to moan about how

you felt you were being taken advantage of

at work until you lost your job and then I think

my cancer came along at just the right time

I shall treat you all to a shrink when we get back

but for now can we just have a laugh?

It's not about failing it's about finding your...

If you say Raison d'etre I'm going to kill myself

- Shut up Miles, this is ...

- Repugnant? Boring?

- What do you want? What...

- What special thing are you searching for?

- James. He's doing fine

- Ok? And your being a bit ... harsh

- It's not about the cards life dealt you

It's about the hand that you feel safe playing

I thought the tea life making metaphore was

good but that was .. exquisite

You know, Miles, it's so easy to take the piss

but 'm angry with all of you

I don't want to die!

I want... more time

I want more time

I'd take any one of your pointless

consumer-f***er lives!

I was gonna do so much!

I was going to be special. And I know it sounds

pompous. It is

You are

You make me sick!

Don't. I love my life.

Cancer's no excuse for being an egomaniac

- Why are you special?

- Right, so you don't think I would have

amounted to anything as a writer ..

- I don't know! That's the point!

But by our age my father had already written

three books.

Your writing's good but you only finally sat down

to do it because it became too painful to stand up

What? You want to hit me now,

you .... pissy little arse-licker?

Oh, f*** off! You bore the sh*t out of me!

We're not your secretaries. We don't run away

if you turn nasty

- I'm telling him the truth!

- I know! But WHY?

Why are you so cruel? You're just cruel.

There's other ways to get what you want

Davy. It's like you're actually looking

at my soul through a microscope

I'll have to redeem myself! Davy will you

give me Aids! Bill? Rabies?

Come on. Ah, GOD!

We don't need to be doing this! We should be

laughing and talking bollocks

about the good old days ...

- I read your book!

I read it

He finished it years ago

- When did you read it?

- Two years ago

I knew you've been writing something and I

snooped around on your computer and there

it was. Finished

Hated you for it

I copied it but I... I did't read it

And then I got sick

and I gave in to my desire to... Even though I

knew you'd never, ever be able to forgive me

Mate, if you wanted to get somethig off your

chest why didn't you just call me?

I'd have come round, we'd have had a chat

watch Jaws and pretend that you weren't sick

- I AM sick!

- BECAUSE you are!!

And when you're gone, you won't...

know that this is f***ing killing me!

It's not worth talking about it, it's not going

to change anything.

This is just unnecessary fake soul searching

which everyone is doing these days

And I can't even say this REAL stuff

because I just might not get a chance to see you

again so I can say ...

You don't need to apologise, Miles ...

I wasn't going to apologise you arrogant little

f***! I'm right!

And we don't apologise

I can say this sh*t, and come back in 5 minutes

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