This Is Spinal Tap Page #6

- And this is it.

- Consider it done.

You're just gonna take care of it like that?

Using that as the plans?

- Let's try.

- If you can do it, I'll do the number.

Do you feel that,

in collaboration with David,

that you are afforded the opportunity

to express yourself musically

- The way you would like to?

- Well, I think I do, in my solos.

My solos are my trademark.

Perfect. It's the right proportions.

- It'll be this colour, right?

- Yeah.

That's just terrific.

It almost looks like the real thing.

- You got it.

- Yeah.

When we get the actual set,

it'll follow exactly these specifications?

Even these contours?

Um... I don't understand you.

The actual piece?

- When you build the actual piece...

- But this is what you asked for, isn't it?

- What?

- Well, this is the piece.

- This is the piece?

- Yes.

Are you telling me that this is it?

This is scenery?

Have you ever been to Stonehenge?

The triptychs are 20 feet high!

You can stand four men up 'em!

lan, I was asked to build it 18 inches high!

Look. This is what I was asked to build.

It's specified, 18 inches.

- I was given this napkin.

- Forget this! F*** the napkin!

In ancient times,

hundreds of years

before the dawn of history,

lived an ancient race of people.

The Druids.

No one knows who they were

or

what they were doing.

But their legacy remains.

Hewn

into the living rock

of Stonehenge.

Stonehenge-where the demons dwell

Where the banshees live

and they do live well

Stonehenge-where a man is a man

And the children dance

to the pipes of Pan

And you, my love

Won't you take my hand

We'll go back in time

To that mystic land

Where the dewdrops cry

And the cats meow

I will take you there

I will show you how

And, oh, how they danced,

the little children of Stonehenge,

beneath the haunted moon,

for fear that daybreak

might come too soon.

The problem wasn't that the band was

down. The problem may have been

that there was a Stonehenge monument

in danger of being crushed... by a dwarf.

All right? That tended to understate

the hugeness of the object.

- You're making too big a thing out of it.

- Making a big thing was the idea.

Nigel gave me a drawing

that said 18 inches.

I know...

Whether he knows the difference between

feet and inches is not my problem.

But you're not as confused as him. It's not

your job to be as confused as Nigel is.

It's my job to do what I'm asked to do

by the creative element of this band.

- The audience were laughing.

- So it became a comedy number.

Yes, it f***in' did, and it was not pleasant

to be part of the comedy onstage.

Backstage, perhaps it was very amusing.

Maybe we just fix the choreography,

keep the dwarf clear.

- What do you mean?

- So he won't trod upon it.

That's not the issue.

I think it's symptomatic of taking on more

than you can, er... er... handle.

It's not the first time

you've messed things up, is it?

There have been some gaping holes

in the business end...

Excuse me. This is a band meeting, right?

Are you here for some reason?

- She's with me.

- Is she now in the band?

I care what happens to the band.

David, whenever a single ruffle comes

into this adolescent fantasy world

you guys have built around yourself,

you start screaming like a bunch

of poncey hairdressers!

It's just a problem! It gets solved!

It doesn't! If it got solved, that would be

all right, but it doesn't get solved.

I mean, what got solved tonight?

For one single thing that goes wrong,

a hundred things go right.

Do you know what

I spend my time doing?

I sleep two or three hours a night.

There's no sex and drugs for lan, David.

You know what I do?

I find lost luggage.

I locate mandolin strings

in the middle of Austin.

I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews.

Get someone else to find luggage,

and you concentrate on the stage.

- You'd like me to be road manager?

- No! All bad blood aside...

What Dave is trying to say,

if you'd let him get a word through,

- Is you could maybe do with some help.

- Some help?

- Managing the band.

- It's very simple.

Maybe there's someone already here...

We don't have to pay insurance.

We don't have to pay extra room...

since she's already here, among us,

- And she's capable of taking over.

- "She"? Wait a minute.

Who do you think I'm talking about?

I would never have dreamed

it was her you were talking about.

I am offering to help out here.

You're offering to co-manage

the band with me.

Yes, that is exactly it.

I'm not gonna co-manage with some girl

just cos she's your girlfriend!

Oh! "Girlfriend", is it? I don't know

what you're doing managing the band!

- Why don't we just...

- Shut up!

This is my position. I am not managing it

with you or any other woman.

Especially one who dresses like an

Australian's nightmare. So f*** you!

F*** all of you! Because I quit, all right?

That's it. Good night.

Can I raise a practical question

at this point?

Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?

No, we're not gonna

f***in' do Stonehenge!

OK, we're all set. Thank you.

All right, fellas. I got the tickets. We're on

the 3.10 flight at gate 24, all right?

It arrives at 4 o'clock in Colorado. Then

we got a limo to take us to the Lodge.

It's about 100 yards

from Rainbow Trout Studio.

What I've done is to arrange

a whole load of charts.

- This is so great.

- We know that the band's sign is Virgo.

You see, Saturn's in the third house,

and it's a bit rocky.

But because Virgo is one of the most

highly intelligent signs of the zodiac,

we're gonna pull through this

with great aplomb.

Has someone not got one?

Nigel hasn't got one.

Nigel! Nigel! We got pages for you here.

He's got one. He's got it.

Think what a jumble

a tour book usually is...

- He's got one.

- Right.

What I want to explain to you

is that Denver...

How would you characterise your

relationship with David over the years?

- Has it changed in any way?

- Not really.

I mean, you know, we've grown up...

but really it's not...

No, not really.

We feel like children much of the time,

even when we're playing.

We're closer than brothers.

Brothers always fight.

Sort of... disagreements and all that.

We really have a relationship that's way,

way past that.

- He can't play any more.

- You know the parts.

If he knew the f***in' part,

he'd play it, wouldn't he?

- Are you walking out? Great!

- Just tell me what we're supposed to do.

We're supposed to play the f***in' thing!

- We've spent an hour and a half...

- I'm doing my part!

You know what would make this a lot

simpler? I hate to cut right to it here.

Why don't you play this alone, without

some angel hanging over your head?

Jesus Christ!

This is f***in' all we need.

You can't f***in' concentrate

because of your f***in' wife!

- It's your f***in' wife!

- She's not my wife.

Whatever the f*** she is,

we can't f***in' do the track!

- This is unbelievable!

- No, it's not unbelievable at all!

Am I losing my f***in' mind?!

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