This Is Spinal Tap Page #7

Could you check me on this?

I don't understand

what this has to do with anything!

We're very lucky, in a sense,

that we've got two visionaries in the band.

David and Nigel are both like...

Like poets,

like Shelley or Byron or people like that.

They're two totally distinct

types of visionaries.

It's like fire and ice, basically.

I feel my role in the band is to be

kind of in the middle of that,

kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense.

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

There's no time to go to the hotel.

You'd better go straight to the base.

- Base?

- The gig.

- To the Civic Arena, right?

- No.

Wait a second. Hold it. Do you know

about this and we don't know about this?

- We're going to the air-force base.

- Why go to an air-force base?

Because the original gig fell through!

- Lieutenant Hookstrat?

- Hookstratten.

- You are Spinal Tarp?

- I'm Jeanine and this is Spinal Tap.

Spinal Tap. I'm Bob Hookstratten.

Welcome to Lindbergh Air Force Base.

Is this your first visit

to a military facility?

May I start by saying

how thrilled we are to have you here.

We are such fans of your music

and all of your records.

Not yours personally,

but the whole genre of rock'n'roll

and the exciting things in music today.

Let me explain what's going on.

This is our monthly at ease weekend.

It gives us a chance to let down our hair,

although I see you have a head start!

These haircuts wouldn't pass

military muster!

My hair's getting a little shaggy, too.

Better not get too close. They'll think

I'm in the band! I'm joking, of course.

Walk this way, please.

Right through here.

Did you ever run into a group, works out

of Kansas City - Four Jacks And A Jill?

If you're ever there and wanna hear some

good music, you might wanna drop by.

I would like to get the playing on

about 1900 hours, if that's satisfactory.

- When would that be?

- I make it now... it's about 1830 hours.

- So that's what? 50 hours?

- 120 hours?

That's actually about 30 minutes...

give or take a few minutes.

I don't wanna rush you. The idea is

we can get it on and we get it over with.

And would you play a couple

of slow numbers so I can dance?

Working on a sex farm

Ploughing through your bean field

Gettin' out my pitchfork

Pokin' your hay

Sex farm woman,

I'm gonna mow you down

Sex farm woman,

I'll rake and hoe you down

Sex farm woman,

don't you see my silo risin' high?

High, high, high

Hi-i-i-i-gh...

Working on a sex farm

Tryin' to raise some hard love

Gettin' out my pitchfork

He totally ruined the gig there.

He walks off and then...

He can't sit at home and get money.

We gotta get someone else in there.

Has he done this before?

Has he quit the band before?

No, but you gotta understand that,

in the world of rock'n'roll,

there are certain changes

that sometimes occur.

And you've just got to

sort of roll with them.

You saw exactly how many people

have been in this band over the years.

over the years.

I mean, six months from now,

I can't see myself missing Nige

any more than I might miss

Ross McLachness

or Ronnie Pudding or Danny Uppam

or Danny Schindler or any of those.

I can't believe that. I can't believe that

you're lumping Nigel in with

the people you played with

for a short time.

Well, I'd feel much worse if I weren't

under such heavy sedation, but

you've gotta be realistic

about this sort of thing.

So what happens to the band now?

- What do you mean?

- He's not coming back or...

No. We shan't work together again.

THEMELAND AMUSEMENT PARK

Stockton, California

- Oh, no.

- Great.

If I told them once,

I told them a hundred times

to put Spinal Tap first

and Puppet Show last.

It's a morale builder, isn't it?

You got a big dressing room...

You got a big dressing room.

A bigger dressing room than the puppets?

That's refreshing.

I've got some of this Mendocino rocket

fuel that's supposed to be really nice.

Can you play... Excuse me, Viv.

Can you play a bass line

like Nigel used to on Big Bottom?

Can you double that?

You remember it? It's in fifths.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got two hands here.

- So we can play that one.

- Hole is out, Heavy is out.

Right, right, right, right.

America we can't do. It's Nigel's tune.

It's not my tune.

- That's a nice, cosy ten-minute set.

- What are we gonna do?

- We got nothing to play.

- I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

- What?

- Jazz Odyssey.

We're not about to do a free-form jazz

exploration in front of a festival crowd.

You are witnesses at the new birth

of Spinal Tap, Mark 2.

Hope you enjoy our new direction.

On the bass - Derek Smalls.

He wrote this.

END OF TOUR PARTY

Los Angeles

So tonight's the last show of the tour.

Is this your last waltz?

Are we talking the end of Spinal Tap

or are you gonna try to milk it

for a few more years in Europe?

Well, I don't really think that the end...

can be assessed... er...

as of itself as being the end.

What does the end feel like?

It's like saying when you try

to extrapolate the end of the universe.

If the universe is indeed infinite,

then what does that mean?

How far is all the way?

And then if it stops, what's stopping it?

And what's behind what's stopping it?

"What's the end?" is my question to you.

- It's a good crowd, good crowd.

- It is, isn't it?

Yeah. Some of these things,

you know, don't mean much.

It's hard to get at the last minute.

You can't arrange it all overnight.

David, we had a 15-year ride, mate.

Who wants to be

a 45-year-old rock'n'roller farting around

in front of people less than half their age,

cranking out some mediocre

head-banging bullshit we've forgotten?

- It's beneath us. Who wants to see that?

- Absolutely right.

We can take all those projects

we didn't have time for.

We didn't have time because of Tap.

Bring 'em back to life, maybe.

- Do you remember what...

- At the Luton Palace,

we were talking about a rock musical

based on the life of Jack the Ripper.

- Yeah. Saucy Jack.

- Now is the time to do that.

- You're a naughty one

- Saucy Jack

You're a haughty one, Saucy Jack

It's a freeing up, innit?

It's all this free time.

- Suddenly time is so elastic.

- It's a gift. A gift of freedom.

I've always wanted to do

a collection of my acoustic numbers

with the London Philharmonic,

as you know.

We're lucky.

People should be envying us, you know.

- I envy us.

- Yeah. Me too.

It's gonna be fine, right?

- We'll make 'em miss us.

- Nice thought.

I'm in. I'm in tune.

- The last tuning.

- I think we should go in.

I think it's time to go, right?

- Wanna go?

- Yeah.

We're gonna do Reach Out When You Die

In My Champagne.

Come to see the show?

- Yeah. Hello, mate.

- Nige.

So did you just come here

to hang around backstage?

- Is that what you're doin'?

- I'm really a messenger.

- Oh, a messenger.

- Yeah. I bumped into lan and, er...

lan?

Oh, the other dead man, yeah.

Seems that Sex Farm

is on the charts in Japan.

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