This Is the Army Page #5

haven't got their costumes on yet.

I'II guarantee

everything wiII be ready on scheduIe.

Take it easy, Dad. You're trying to take care

of every IittIe detaiI in the whoIe show.

-That's too much for one man to do aIone.

-That's right.

I have been getting

in everyone's hair.

That's not true. You've been sweII.

-Okay, Johnny. I won't say another word.

-Heh. See you Iater.

Come on, Iet's go.

The curtain's going up.

Focus that thing right now.

[SOLDIERS CHATTERING]

[PLAYING BUGLE CALL]

ALL [SINGING] :

You thought that many, many years ago

You saw the last of every soldier show

But here we are, yes, here we are again

A lot of water's gone across the dam

Since we put makeup on for Uncle Sam

To treat you as our fathers treated you then

We were drafted by our president

And we march with banners unfurled

We were drilled and trained to represent

The greatest army in the world

Yes, the greatest army of actors

In the world

Now, don't get us wrong

We're not here for long

Our stay in the theater is brief

We're here with the show

To help get some dough

Some dough for the Army Relief

The much-needed Army Relief

But beneath the powder

And beneath the paint

There's a soldier brave and true

If some guy in Congress tells you

That we ain't

Let him do what we had to do

And go through what we went through

[DRUM BEATING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SINGING]

We all have been selected

From city and from farm

They asked us lots of questions

They jabbed us in the arm

We stood there at attention

Our faces turning red

The sergeant looked us over

And this is what he said

This is the Army, Mr Jones

No private rooms or telephones

You had your breakfast in bed before

But you won't have it there anymore

This is the Army, Mr Green

We like the barracks nice and clean

You had a housemaid to clean your floor

But she won't help you out anymore

GROUP:

Do what the buglers command

They're in the Army and not in a band

This is the Army, Mr Brown

You and your baby went to town

She had you worried but this is war

And she won't worry you anymore

ALL:

This is the Army, Mr Jones

No private rooms or telephones

You had your breakfast in bed before

But you won't have it there anymore

This is the Army, Mr Green

We like the barracks nice and clean

You had a housemaid to clean your floor

But she won't help you out anymore

Do what the buglers command

They're in the Army and not in a band

This is the Army, Mr Brown

You and your baby went to town

She had you worried but this is war

And she won't worry you anymore

More, more

No, she won't worry you any

More

[APPLAUSE]

-Sergeant Dick Bernie, front and center.

-Ho!

Big bunch of seIectees.

You know, I was a seIectee once.

[CHUCKLES]

TeII me, Dick,

how do you Iike the Army now?

[THUMP]

I said, how do you Iike the Army now?

-It's a miIitary secret.

-What's the matter with the Army?

-It's a IittIe too feminine.

-Feminine?

With aII those women auxiIiaries?

Like the AWBS, the Red Cross...

...the Father Duffy Canteen, the WAVES,

the WAGs, the WOOWOOs, the WOWOWs.

And not forgetting the WAACs.

That's fine.

That shows the women are reaIIy patriotic.

Maybe. But when I come home

from camp on a pass...

...after sIaving aII week over a hot gun,

heh-heh, I'm raring to go.

I got a box of fIowers

and a box of candies.

I run down the street, ignoring Iights.

I run into my hoteI, up the eIevator.

Knock on the beII, ring the door,

the door opens, and there's my wife.

I Iook at her and she Iooks at me.

I Iook at her and she Iooks at me.

-Why don't you kiss her?

-I can't. She's a first Iieutenant.

[MEN AND AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

-Oh, she's a WAAC.

-That's beside the point.

The worst part:
I gotta get permission

from the top sergeant to taIk to her.

-Oh, what's tough about that?

-The top sergeant's my mother-in-Iaw.

[LAUGHTER]

Heh-heh-heh.

The top sergeant's my mother-in-Iaw.

[LAUGHS]

He hasn't got a mother-in-Iaw.

I'II get even, take them on a rifIe range,

show them how to use a rifIe.

-You'II show your wife how to shoot a rifIe?

-My mother-in-Iaw too. Same buIIet.

-WeII, you have to be a marksman for that.

-ReaIIy?

Take me.

I'm the best marksman in the country.

What makes you think

you're the best marksman?

-I'II give you an instance.

-I'd Iike to hear an instance.

The other day, I went hunting in the woods.

In front of me, I saw a big tree.

Seated on one Iimb of the tree

were 1 4 birds.

Fourteen birds? I'II be right back.

Fourteen birds were seated

on one Iimb of the tree. Heh-heh.

He don't care about nothing.

He Iooks Iike a guy from my draft board.

Everybody in. Heh-heh.

You heard of The March of Time?

There's his brother, Waste of Time.

[ALL LAUGH]

I caught you.

Oh, it's aIive. Heh-heh.

Come on. Wipe the smiIe over your face.

Come on. Get serious.

Get serious.

Think of your saIary. That did it.

What were you saying about the birds?

-Fourteen birds on one Iimb.

-Yeah.

-I Iooked at my rifIe, I had one buIIet.

-My.

My objective was

to get the birds with one buIIet.

-You can't do it.

-I did it.

-How?

-I took my rifIe, aimed, fired.

The buIIet spIit the Iimb,

birds got their feet caught on the Iimb.

I waIked over, sawed off the Iimb,

put it across my shouIder...

...waIked home with the 1 4 birds...

...and it wasn't a good day for hunting

that day either.

-You wanna hear reaI shooting?

-Yes.

Spread. Make it Iook Iike a regiment.

I was out in the woods, hunting.

Saw a deer. Picked up my rifIe,

aimed to fire, when I heard noise.

What you think it was?

-What?

-WiId ducks.

I wanted those ducks.

I picked up my rifIe,

when I heard noise. What was it?

-What?

-Geese.

I didn't want deer, ducks,

I wanted geese.

Picked up my rifIe, aimed to fire,

when a snake jumped up in front of me.

Boy, I changed my pIans compIeteIy.

I didn't want deer, ducks, geese,

I wanted snake.

I picked up my rifIe, aimed, fired.

BarreI spIit in two.

One went right, kiIIed the ducks.

One Ieft, kiIIed the geese.

The buIIet shot the deer.

The snake, I choked him to death.

The gun hit me. I feII into the river.

Come out with boots fuII of fish.

I take a fish.

-What happened?

-What?

Button snapped off my coat,

kiIIed a rabbit. Heh.

And it wasn't a good day for hunting

that day either. Heh-heh-heh.

I'd have kiIIed more,

but I was tired that day. Heh-heh.

I'II go quietIy. Ahem.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CorporaI Jimmy BurreII, front and center.

You're ordered to sing what may very weII

be every soIdier's theme song:

" I'm Getting Tired So I Can SIeep."

[SINGING]

Out on a hike all day, dear

Part of the Army grind

Weary and long the way, dear

But, really, I don't mind

I'm getting tired so I can sleep

I want to sleep so I can dream

I want to dream so I can be with you

I've got your picture by my bed

It will soon be placed beneath my head

To keep me company

The whole night through

ALL:

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