This Means War Page #2

See that? I pwned him, didn't I?

- Good. You okay?

- Sure did, son.

Ha, ha!

- That's how you kill him.

- What are you doing here?

Well, I had a bit of time off and

I thought I'd come hang with my homey.

I got creamed.

No, you didn't,

that's just a matter of opinion.

What do you know about fighting?

You're just a travel agent.

I know enough to know

that he who hesitates...

Pain?

That's just weakness leaving the body.

Oh, Dad.

Joe. Joe, Joe.

- Come on, boys.

- Mom, did you see me win today?

On the mat? That's amazing.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Hey, bud.

- Hi.

- Hey, Tuck.

- Hey, how you doing?

Didn't know you were in.

Got a couple days off

so I thought I'd come see Joe.

You're the only travel agent I've ever met

who actually travels for his job.

Yeah.

Um, so I was thinking that maybe, um....

Maybe you, me and Joe,

we could all go out together...

...you know, as a family,

maybe get something to eat.

Have a meal.

I think that would be really, really good.

I have a date tonight, Tuck.

So maybe some other time.

Sure. That's great. Good. That's good.

Bye, Joe.

So good.

Do you believe it?

This is simply extraordinary.

What an amazing end

to this first half of play.

Are you looking for someone

to start a life with?

Would you rather spend your time

with your soul mate than at work?

With over 6 million eligible singles...

...It'sFate.net

will help you find that special person.

Find your soul mate with just one click.

Log on today...

- ...and take our 15-minute test...

- Shh! Let me watch.

...and open the door

to your new love life.

No more lonely nights.

No more empty mornings.

Give yourself the gift of love.

You deserve it. It'sFate.net.

What have you got to lose?

That's just so sad.

Good morning, Ella.

- Good morning.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

- Hi, there.

- Looking good, boss.

- What?

- Hi, Paul.

- What? Nothing.

- Good morning, Hudson.

- I'm down, girl.

I'm down too.

Emily. What am I down with?

Oh, my goodness. It's a....

Your... Check your desktop.

Oh, crap.

- Hi.

Bi-curious? Skinny-dipping?

Rollerblading?

I mean, what is this, 1994?

You looked adorable in those shorts.

Men are gonna respond to that camel toe.

I'm gonna kill you, Trish.

Uh, how about "thank you"?

My office thinks I clean my house

in a naughty nurse costume.

That's fine.

That means you're open to role-paying.

We're trying to cast a wide net.

We don't know what guys you like.

You've got me in a keg stand

looking for a relationship.

- I don't even know what that means.

- You're flexible.

Guys wanna know that you're flexible

and good at gymnastics.

No, no, that's Mommy's special milk,

okay?

Just get me off this thing.

How do I cancel it?

You're not canceling it.

I'm in charge of that.

Wait a second. Who is that?

Oh, my God. He's cute.

Let me get this straight.

You put your personal, private details...

- ...on a very public website?

- Yes.

- Are you insane?

- No.

- Where you taking her?

- Don't do that to me.

- Taking her to the Blarney Stone.

- I like the jukebox.

- You're such a cheeseball.

- What?

You're gonna go on this date

and I'm gonna go with you.

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

I'm scared.

You haven't done this in a long time.

This girl could be all sorts of crazy.

And, besides,

half those girls pee standing up, Tuck.

The other half

are on one of our watch lists.

- It's a date.

- Look, lucky for you, I'm free tonight.

And I'm gonna bring the binoculars,

the hand cream...

...keep a hundred-yard radius.

It'll be sweet stuff.

No, you can't bring the binoculars.

You're not watching my date.

I need a little privacy.

I'll be around the corner on ringtone.

I'll be at the video store.

One ring means you need an extraction,

two, a cleaner, three, I can get home.

- Two hundred yards.

- Sold.

Tuck? Are you Tuck?

Hi. I'm Lauren.

Oh, my gosh. Hello. How are you?

Very nice to meet you.

You too. Um....

Please, sit. Please, sorry. Yeah.

Wow, it's like...

You are really, really beautiful.

Could you say that a few more times,

because your voice is amazing. Ha, ha.

I feel like I need to apologize again

for that bizarre profile.

- No, no, no.

- My friend, Trish, is....

Oh, no. Everybody should have a friend

who's a spaz.

- I think I'm going to have to kill her.

- Well, actually...

- ...I might be able to help you.

- I'm kidding.

- So am I.

- Love...

...is the only thing

that can save this poor creature.

And I am going to convince him

that he is loved...

...even at the cost of my own life.

No matter what you hear in there,

no matter how cruelly I beg you...

- ...no matter how terribly I may scream...

- Hi.

...do not open this door or

you will undo everything I've worked for.

Good for you, pal.

So tell me one thing

that's not on your profile.

Um....

I have a son.

- Oh, you do?

- Yeah. He's called Joe.

He's 7 and he's really lovely.

Really lovely.

And his mom?

Couldn't work.

How about you?

- No kids that I know of.

- Okay.

And no ex-wives.

- I have a very important question to ask.

- Good. Go on.

Have you ever been or do you

ever plan on being a serial killer?

Well, I mean, it's...

You gotta keep your options open.

- But, no.

- Okay, good answer. Ha-ha-ha.

So you've never killed anybody

with your bare hands.

Not this week.

Great.

- Lauren, you're incredible.

- You're not so bad yourself.

All right, I'm gonna go and rent a movie

and take a cold shower.

- I will too.

- Okay.

- And wait for your call for the next...

- Five minutes?

This is where it all started.

Yes, I was standing over there

by that desk.

No, you were sitting in the chair. And

suddenly, you started walking toward me.

Very slowly. Very slowly.

I could count every step.

And when you're walking towards me

very slowly...

...I thought, "What's the matter with him?

Can't he walk faster?"

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, I'm sorry. You take it.

- No, no, no, that's okay. You take it.

- Sure?

You're not gonna like it. Twist ending.

You'll see it coming a mile away.

- And how would you know what I like?

- I know movies. And women.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

Okay.

Well, then,

why don't you tell me what I want?

- The Lady Vanishes? Why is that?

- Mm-hm.

Well, firstly, you can never go wrong

with Hitchcock. Ever.

It's got comedy, drama, romance,

it's a thriller.

It's classy, but not stuffy.

A little obscure, so if you haven't seen it,

you'll thank me for introducing you to it.

If you have,

you'll know what a good choice it was.

- Well, I have seen it.

- Mm-hm.

- And it is a really good choice.

- Mm.

However, not as good as Rebecca,

Notorious, Vertigo...

...or pretty much any of his films

from 1960 to 1972.

In fact, it's sort of a second-tier title.

A second.

- You know what? Scratch...

- Look, I see you surveying the prospects.

That one over there in Foreign?

Too much angst.

This one in the sweater set,

picking out animated movies?

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