This Means War Page #3

That girl will have your children named

before breakfast.

The problem is,

no one looks like a clean getaway.

I get it. You come in here

looking for a girl renting a movie.

Clearly, she doesn't have a date

for the night. We're easy targets.

You look like the guy

interested in a one-day rental...

...if you know what I mean.

If you knew anything about women...

...or anything about me, I'm perfectly

capable of choosing my own movies.

But thanks.

Happy hunting.

Hm.

So, sir, you want me to hack

into a video store database?

- It's for the Heinrich case.

- Searching database.

All right, keep on scrolling.

Wait. Stop. Scroll back.

That's her.

Sir,

how is this girl connected to Heinrich?

That's G-4 classified.

Hello, everybody, I'm Lauren Scott.

Thank you so much for being here today.

Good morning, Lauren.

We're here today to talk about grills.

Does anybody have any first impressions?

I like the rotisserie feature.

Perfect. That's very helpful.

I don't think it heated up fast enough.

Like something was wrong with the motor,

maybe the spark was dead.

Actually, sir,

there's nothing wrong with the spark.

Some people think grills just burst

into flames at the slightest touch.

It doesn't work like that.

Does anybody have any useful opinions?

- I thought the lid was hard to handle.

- Mm-hm.

Ugh. The lids, what a pain, right?

I just felt the whole thing to be a bit

stiff, uptight, not really user-friendly.

- I think it depends on the user.

- Mm.

It so happens I have a lot of experience

with grills.

I'm something of a grill master.

Uh, this is a sophisticated grill. Not sure

you've dealt with one of those before.

Or maybe a grill like this

is just so scared of being burned...

...it stays on simmer

and never really heats up all the way.

- Don't touch my grill.

- I don't think this can handle a guy like me.

- I think it could.

- Really?

- Easily.

- Prove it. 8 p.m. Barcelona. Tomorrow.

I don't think so.

I guess I could stick around a

little longer, talk about grills.

Charcoal or gas,

number 19, what do you think?

If I say yes, will you leave?

This is my job.

- Eight p.m. tomorrow.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Fine.

You smell nice.

Bye.

What were you doing on the computer?

Porn?

- I have a photograph of my girl.

- I was doing the same thing.

- A background check.

- I don't know if that's creepy or romantic.

"Cromantic." I do it all the time.

Wanna see?

- Yeah, sure. Wanna see her?

- Yeah.

I bet yours has got antlers and howls.

She does,

but she's incredibly attractive with them.

- She's a 10.

- Go on three.

One, two, three and go? All right.

- Okay. I'll sound off.

- Okay.

- One...

- One.

...two, three.

- That's, uh, Lauren S...

- Lauren? Lauren Scott?

Scott.

- That's the girl from the video store?

- Right around the corner from the bar.

Oh, wow. Um....

- I had no idea.

- Of course. How could you know that?

Did she, ahem, actually say she wanted

to go out on a date with you, though?

You know what? I'm gonna make this really

easy. I'm gonna bow out. You date her.

Hang on. Did she say

she wanted to go out with you?

It doesn't matter.

I love you. You're my best friend.

- Yeah.

- You go date her.

Yeah, if I got in the picture,

it wouldn't be fair.

Well, I'm sorry. What does that mean?

- What does that mean?

- I mean, come on, man...

...you're not out there as much as I am.

And like anything...

- ... practice makes, uh...

- Perfect?

- No, no, no.

- You're perfect?

Maybe not perfect,

but damn near close...

Wow.

- ...to perfect.

- You believe that as well?

- You don't have to bow out because of me.

- I don't?

I'm not concerned that she's gonna

fall in love with you, pal.

- How very nice of you. Thank you.

- You are welcome.

So do your thing.

Whatever that is.

And, um...

...just let her decide.

- Sure.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

While we're at it,

why don't we put ground rules in?

- We should.

- One, I don't think...

- ...we should tell we know each other.

- Two, stay out of each other's way.

Three. Yeah.

No hanky-panky, no hanky-panky.

God, you have not dated

in a long time, have you?

And if this ever starts

to affect our friendship...

- Which it won't.

- ...which it won't...

- ...then we walk away.

- Done.

- So, then, we have... We have...

- We have a gentleman's agreement.

- A gentleman's agreement. We do.

- May the best man win.

The best man for her.

- For her.

- For the lady.

For the lady, for her,

the best man for her.

Oh! Uh....

Forgive me, sir. You startled me.

I understand you're Savile Row's finest.

We do our best, sir.

In that case,

I'd like to have a suit in this fabric.

Ah, South American vicua.

An excellent choice indeed.

One thing with my suits,

I like to know they are one of a kind.

I wouldn't want anyone

wearing the same suit.

- I'm sure you understand that.

- Of course, sir. With this fabric and color...

...I only made one other, and that was

for a gentleman who lives quite far away.

How far exactly?

Los Angeles.

Have you any reason to go there soon?

I do now.

Hello. Sorry, I'm not in.

Please leave a message after the tone.

I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Tuck, Tuck.

Where are you, man? Five o'clock.

CHiPs marathon about to start,

I got new sticks for "Rock Band."

Call me.

- My God, I love these places.

- I thought you might.

We're not gonna leave

until we've spent our tokens.

Hello. I'm sorry, I'm not in.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Get back to you as soon as possible.

Dude, where are you?

Oh!

Hey, man, uh, it's about 5:43. Uh....

So whatever, man, just hanging out,

watching the thing.

Are you...? Maybe your phone's turned off

or something.

But check it to make... Clearly, you

can't check it and see if it...

Whatever. Call me.

So the great air hockey cheats, that is.

I'm available for lessons anytime.

But only for you.

There's something else

I wanna show you.

I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Hey, man, so, uh, I'm a little worried.

I don't know if, um...

You haven't returned my calls

for, like, a long time now, like an hour.

So, uh, just give me a call

if you're okay, okay?

Okay.

I've said "okay" now, like, five times.

Give me a call. Oka...

Okay, where are we going?

There are lions in here.

- No.

- Yes.

- Are you serious?

Okay. Open them.

Wow, it's so beautiful.

Come on.

We're going up there?

- You're gonna catch me, right?

- Yeah.

Promise?

- Absolutely.

- Okay.

- One...

Yeah.

...two...

...three.

There you go.

Oh, my gosh.

- Okay, okay.

- Right.

- What was that?

- I'm sorry, I lost my grip.

You did that on purpose.

Uh.... Maybe I did.

I think you did.

Well, sometimes falling is the best part.

Come on.

- Yeah.

- I'm coming.

Me so horny.

Hold on.

- Hello.

- Hey, it's me. Can you talk?

- Yeah, what's up?

- It's... I don't know.

- I feel weird about dating two guys at once.

- Don't feel bad about dating two guys.

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