Three And Out Page #2

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- Hold onto me!

- Let me go, you f***ing arsehole!

- Jesus Christ! Grab my arm.

- My f***ing coat's caught on something.

Look... just... get me...

Pull me up, come on! Pull me up! That's it.

You interfering little shite!

Why can't you leave a man be, eh?

You f***ing do-gooders,

you think you can just...

- Stop. I can't breathe.

- Good.

Police! Police! Police!

That's all I f***ing need.

Hey, get in!

- How about I buy you a drink?

- I think you f***ing owe me one.

Ah.

- Didn't think I'd taste that again.

- Cheers.

Never mind the "cheers".

What's your f***ing game, eh?

What are you? One of these religious types?

- Waiting like a vulture to save a poor soul?

- I'm a tube driver.

- You can forget about that.

- I'm not religious.

I've done all the praying I'm gonna do.

I want you to kill yourself.

Keep it down will you, gobshite.

You can shove

that reverse psychology up your 'hole.

No, it's true.

I want you to kill yourself.

Well, you've done a bloody good job

of stopping me up until now.

What is it you're after? Me organs, is it?

You're going blind,

you want me eyes? Is that it?

I was wondering...

if you'd be interested

in throwing yourself in front of my train.

I'd pay you, of course.

You'd pay me? Right, yeah?

Pay to run me down?

I was thinking in exchange for this... service,

I could give you, say, fifteen hundred quid.

Oh, right. And I just throw

myself under your train.

- Presumably with a smile on my face?

- Yeah, basically.

And fifteen hundred quid

in my cold, dead hand, eh?

Jesus, that's a fantastic deal.

How could I refuse?!

What the f*** am I supposed to do

with fifteen hundred quid when I'm dead?

- Buy myself a fancy headstone?

- No, no, you won't be dead...

I mean, you will be,

but not until Monday morning.

So you've got a whole weekend

to spend it on whatever you want.

- A woman, lots of women.

- What do you think I was doing last night?

OK. So... eat, drink and be merry one last time.

I'm already fat, my liver's shot

and I don't feel like laughing. Next.

There must be something you always

wanted to do and never got the chance.

There is.

Excellent! What is it? We'll do that.

I want to swim with a great white shark.

No cage. Just me and the beast.

Eyeball to eyeball.

There's a fella does it.

South African, saw him on the telly.

He just gets right in there with them, no worries.

He's never been bit yet.

I'd f***ing love to do that.

Yeah, well, the thing is,

we've only got this weekend.

It has to be Monday.

What about the London Aquarium?

Have they got sharks?

- Are you taking the piss?

- Something else, then. Give it to charity.

Isn't there somebody you know

that could use some cash?

What about your family?

My family?

They probably think I'm dead already.

There you go. Be a nice surprise for them.

- Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

- Yeah, probably best not to involve family.

Always gets messy.

What about a day at the races?

Just take the money and blow it.

F***. It's been seven or eight years.

I can't go. Not now.

Let sleeping dogs lie and all that.

I wanted to go, you know?

I'm not a completely heartless bastard.

I wanted to say goodbye. Make my peace.

- Just didn't seem right, you know.

- Definitely. I think that's...

How could I turn up looking like this?

Like a knacker without a penny in my pocket?

But that fifteen hundred, well...

I'm not a religious man,

but maybe... maybe this is God's way

of giving me one last chance

to make up for all the shite

I've rained down on them.

Ah, f***. Carpe diem.

Seize the day, huh.

Now, listen, son.

If we do this thing,

I have to make one thing clear.

- What's that?

- A deal's a deal.

There's no backing out, no f***ing around.

We shake on this, it's as good as done.

You'll do it?

A deal's a deal.

Where's that cash?

Live alone, do you?

Yeah, why?

Oh, nothing. Just a wild guess.

What did you do? Rob a bookshop?

That a computer?

What's it for? Playing with yourself?

No. I'm a writer.

A writer that drives a tube train?

Yeah, well, not for much longer, hopefully.

Grand chair, though.

Ohh.

So, where's this fifteen hundred quid?

Well, hand it over.

This is my rent money. How do I know

you won't just take it and run?

What did I say, uh?

A deal's a deal.

That means you give me the money

and I don't run away with it. Understand?

Give me f***ing the money.

- There's twenty quid over.

- Call it a bonus.

No, let's call it

fifteen hundred quid. A deal's a deal.

Don't mind if I crash here, do you?

- Oh, by the way. What's your name?

- Oh, God, yeah, of course. Paul... Callow.

Tommy Cassidy.

Eh, Paul, turn off the lights now,

when you're going out.

Get some kip.

Sh*t.

Bollocks.

Thought you'd gone.

Thought I'd had it away

with your money, did you?

What did I say to you last night?

What did I tell you?

I dunno. Deal's a deal?

Right. A deal's a f***ing deal,

and I don't want to have to say it again.

What's the story with the car?

Well, I couldn't show up on a bus, could I?

I've always wanted one of these.

Plus it's a rental, so I can batter the f*** out of it.

Come Monday,

they can swing for their money.

Wait a second.

Eh, eh, I can't wait.

I don't want to hit the traffic.

... all the time

It's gonna happen, happen

Till you change your mind...

- What are you doing?

- I'm coming with you.

Like f*** you are. I only came to say

goodbye. I'll see you Monday morning.

No way.

Look, I'm not having you around

for my last weekend.

Your miserable face'll kill

what little joy I have left.

You won't even notice me.

I'll keep quiet in the background.

Exactly. Like the Grim F***ing Reaper.

- You're staying here.

- Come on.

I know a deal's a deal

but I don't know you from Adam.

I just want to see this through.

All right, but if you piss on my parade

I'll have your balls on a plate.

Nice suit.

Rosemary always

fancied me in a pinstripe.

Everything goes when you're dead

Everything empties from

what was in your head

No point in waiting today

Stupid revenge is

what's making you stay...

- Hello?

- Paul, mon petit chou.

You are very naughty to run away.

Do I not look tasty?

I'm sure I will be flavoursome.

Perhaps with a soupon of raspberry jus.

I make you a very tasty jus...

- You all right?

- Fine.

F*** off.

- Never been to Liverpool.

- I'll give you the grand tour, will I?!

What now?

I was married in this church.

Eh! That's sacrilege for a Protestant.

How do you know I'm a Protestant?

You've all the spirit

of a wet weekend in Blackpool.

What else could you be?

Isn't it a sin to commit suicide...

if you're a Catholic?

Isn't it a sin to deliberately run

someone down with your train...

if you're a human being?

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...

Hey! They're 20p each.

Isn't that just for Catholics?

Callaghan! Bastard.

He must have paid off the whole

council to get that contract.

But I knew him when he was digging ditches.

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