Three to Tango Page #3

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My mother was a horrible cook.

She'd make this chicken that smelled like...

...an old shoe, a wet dog,

blue cheese and....

I'm sorry.

-Will you excuse me for a second?

-Sure.

Boy, I feel good.

Oh, God. Don't worry.

You'll feel better in a second.

It just doesn't get better than this.

-You still want to go to that party?

-Yeah. Absolutely.

Are we sure this is safe?

It's safe. Allow me.

Maybe we should skip the party?

I'm sorry about before.

How are your balls?

They're fine. Thank you for asking that.

I had a great time.

One catastrophe after another. I loved it.

Me too.

This is me.

Would you like to come to my shop,

see me work?

Yeah. That'd be great.

How about tomorrow?

I can always use a little help.

I'm sorry. You're probably busy.

That's okay.

-I'd love to--

-Say no more.

I understand.

What happened?

What happened to your head?

I've been here nine hours. I got bored.

You're a strange man.

Now, will you get out of my apartment?

-What happened?

-Nothing happened.

Oskie, it's 6:
00 in the morning.

It was awful. As soon as

we left the gallery, our cab caught on fire.

Then she elbowed me in the face.

Then we both threw up.

Then she slammed a car handle

into my balls.

The entire night was a total disaster.

-You're in love with her.

-Pretty much.

I'll have to default on my mortgage...

...and live in a box and walk on the street

with a bowl...

...begging for crusts of bread

because of you, you bastard!

-Nothing happened.

-Something always happens.

When it's you and romance,

something always happens.

You know what? I resent that, okay?

I've had plenty of relationships

that were successful.

Before they went absolutely nowhere.

I'm sorry. Oscar, listen.

I didn't mean that.

I really didn't mean that.

You gotta see this woman, though.

She's beautiful.

And funny...

...and smart.

And she has an ass that is so sexy

that I struggle to even understand it.

You gonna crochet that

and send it to her mother?

You're starting to sound

like you have a very low opinion of me.

You know that's not true.

But this project represents

a major opportunity for us.

All of our dreams could come true.

I'm sure Amy is lovely and complicated...

...but there are a million girls out there...

...and just one project like this,

so I'm begging you, please, please...

...stay away from Amy...

...and her bewildering ass.

Okay, I'll stay away.

Sorry.

Move it.

How much are we paying them?

They're interns. They're free.

Yeah, well, we're getting ripped off.

How are you?

Hi, Charles.

Hold on for just one second.

It's Charles!

How'd it go?

It went great.

You don't have anything

to worry about there.

Cartwright.... It was great.

Excellent.

Thank you very much, Oscar.

I know this whole thing may seem...

...extreme to you.

And I'm not proud of myself...

...asking you to look out

for her, but knowing...

...that we're both keeping

an eye out, I'm just so....

I'm so comforted.

I'd like you to spend as much

time with her as possible.

What do you say?

As much time with Amy as possible?

Say no. Say no.

I....

You know, as much as I'd love to, sir, I--

I hope you know I'd never ask you

to do something which you find...

...inconsistent with your values.

But if you don't want to help...

...that's okay. I understand completely.

Say yes! Say yes!

Yes.

-Thank you, Oscar.

-No problem, sir. Thank--

Well, I guess I have to keep seeing her.

Of course you do, you moron.

Oskie, I'm a professional.

I went to graduate school.

I did 72 all-nighters my senior year.

I did a semester in Egypt.

Do you have any idea

what toilet paper feels like in Egypt?

I delivered cinnamon rolls on a truck

with bad suspension for three years!

Do you know what that does

to your kidneys?

My poor kidneys! My freaking kidneys!

My poor freaking kidneys!

My freaking, scarred, bruised kidneys!

That is very sweet of you.

But I can't accept it.

Come on, I can't even give you a little gift?

We've been over this.

I don't need presents.

I have too much stuff as it is.

You win.

You always win.

So? I'm waiting for my cross-examination

about last night.

Cross-examine? Me?

I would never do that.

You're cool with me going out on my own?

Honestly, no. But I'm working on it.

Great. I'm very proud of you.

I met someone interesting last night.

Yeah, actually you know him.

Oscar Novak.

You're kidding.

You met Oscar?

That is a coincidence.

He's a really good guy.

Very. He and his partner

both have a great aesthetic sense.

-I guess most of them do.

-Most?

Gay men.

You did know he was gay.

Sure, yeah.

Not that I care. Doesn't bother me.

Right. Who cares?

The other night,

I almost started having a crush on you.

Isn't that funny?

Something about late nights

and thunderstorms.

I hope that's okay with you.

Yeah.

If you and I are gonna keep hanging out...

...there's something I have to tell you.

Come over here.

Remember when you mentioned

Charles Newman...

...and I said that I knew him?

Blow.

Excuse me?

-Help me blow.

-Excuse me?

Keep your mouth on the opening.

Well...

...the truth is, actually, that...

...Charles and I are involved.

We're having an affair.

Isn't that weird? You're at my show,

we get to know each other...

-...and I'm involved with your boss.

-That's so weird!

I know.

By the way,

how did you find out about my show?

I read it in the newspaper.

And I thought to myself,

''Glass blowing sounds cool.''

And I didn't have anything better to do.

Man, you are a bad liar.

I mean, you cannot lie.

I'm a little slow, but I figured it out.

You were spying on me.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I really should have told you.

You have to understand.

Our entire careers are in his hands.

And then...

...I met you.

And...

...you made three sounds at once.

And I just really wanted

to get to know you.

Just don't ever lie to me again.

It's great being friends with a mistress.

I'm free most evenings.

What do you say?

Tonight?

Come over, or I'll tell Charles

you went crazy and made a pass at me.

I could really get you in trouble, Oscar.

-I've gotta take a shower.

-Yeah, I was gonna say....

I get this feeling around you.

I don't know why.

Like we've known each other

a really long time...

...or in a...

...another life or something.

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah.

No.

-What was the question?

-Are you always nervous?

-Let's celebrate.

-Great.

It's not every day

I get to hang out with a spy.

There's a CD in there. Hit play.

I'll see you in a minute.

-Go ahead.

-Right.

I'm Batman.

Oh, sh*t!

Okay, I'm ready.

-Where's my champagne?

-Right here.

A toast to....

What should we toast to?

What, you don't call anymore?

You just show up?

Champagne, music, Amy in a kimono.

I swear, if you weren't gay...

...I'd have to kill you.

Gay?

I'm not gay. I didn't.... Gay?

Oscar, come on. We don't care.

Absolutely not.

What people do in their own bedrooms

is no concern to us, right?

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