Three to Tango Page #5

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That's Kevin Cartwright right here.

-Seven seconds left.

-Twenty yards for a score.

Set! Hut! Hut!

And he's got some running room!

I gotta tell you something.

I'm very attracted to you.

And that's a football term for....

I'm very attracted to you.

Evidently.

You know what? I can't breathe.

There we go.

See, I told Amy how I felt

when we first met.

That's why she set this whole thing up.

How very nice of her.

Look, I'm a little new at this.

I only realized I was gay

a couple years ago...

...after Amy and I broke up.

If you can't fall in love with her,

you must be gay, right?

I live a couple blocks from here.

You want to come by for another drink?

That's very flattering.

But you know what?

The truth is,

I'm in love with somebody else.

I mean, I think you're really great...

...but I'm kind of head over heels,

you know? I'm sorry.

If Amy had told me--

Actually, this person is completely involved

with somebody else...

...so there's no hope.

But I just can't help the way that I feel,

you know?

Poor guy.

That's awful.

Thanks.

I did not...

...ask you...

...to do that.

You don't have to yell through the door.

Are you decent?

I meant well. I knew you were lonely.

Yeah, okay. Just...

...don't ever do that again.

I'm sorry.

Can you not tell anyone about Kevin?

He's still figuring things out.

Believe me, mum is the word.

The word is mum.

Come in.

So he's not your type?

Well, he's....

No.

No, I prefer to date people

who are a little...

...a little more....

-I don't know.

-Not so big and tall.

Exactly.

What are your thoughts on penis size?

Do you know, I haven't exactly

organized my thoughts on that yet.

Between you and me, when I was

dating Kevin, we had a real problem.

He has this giant thing!

No kidding.

I was surprised when Kevin told me

he was gay. You can't always tell.

Can you pass me the razor?

I'm gonna go.

Actually, I had a lesbian experience once.

Really?

You did?

Yeah, it was in college.

There was this Brazilian girl

in my intro philosophy class.

One night we were studying

and sitting on her bed...

...and her hair brushed my hand...

...and all of a sudden

I noticed how amazing she looked.

Olive skin and these incredible

bee-stung lips and these beautiful....

You know how it is in college.

We experimented.

Yeah, you had a....

Well, good for you, I say.

I'm saying good for you.

I could never tell a straight guy that.

He'd ask creepy questions,

try to weasel out details.

That's weird. That is sick and weird.

Men have these stupid

Penthouse-Spice Channel fantasies...

...about two women together...

...in garter belts, push-up bras

and high heels.

-That's just not how it happens.

-Well, of course not.

What happens is....

It was just different.

She was passionate and sensitive.

Listen to me.

This must be so boring for you.

No, I mean, it's not that boring.

We did one thing

that was like those male fantasies.

You did?

Yeah, it was really....

Oh, I can't even say it.

Sure you can.

We're a couple of girlfriends here.

Come here. I'll whisper it in your ear.

-Hand me my towel, would you?

-Sure.

Turn around.

Man, it's hot in here.

Chicago, I gotta get something

off my chest.

I don't care about your sexual orientation...

...or if you're in the closet,

out of the closet...

...down a mineshaft, on a broomstick.

Just, please, do your job.

Who's this bastard on the front

of the business section?

Did you see him? Oscar Novak.

He is a complaining, complaining moron.

Even if I was a mincing, limp-wristed gay...

...I wouldn't tell the whole city about it.

What are you....

Oh, my God!

Talk about great publicity!

Good hair too.

Push up. Push up. Push up.

Good. Good.

He was definitely straight before, right?

He and Peter do spend

a lot of time together.

Mr. Newman.

Do we have any newcomers?

I'm Zack.

And I'm....

Gay?

No, I'm not....

What?

Thought we kind of had a moment there.

Us? No, we didn't have a moment.

No, I was there. No moment.

You work out, don't you?

You look even better in person

than in the paper.

-You're in great shape.

-Well, thanks. Thanks.

Clarkson back to pass...

...and he hits Willhide up the middle.

He breaks a tackle,

still on his feet at the 20....

For the last time...

...I'm not gay.

We know.

But you don't believe me.

No, we do. We do.

This is ridiculous.

I've known you my entire life.

What would make you think

that I'm gay now?

The wall treatments.

The hors d'oeuvres.

Yeah, and all the...

...gay things.

What's wrong with wall treatments?

Do you know how hard it is...

...to decide between sponging,

glazing and spackling?

Never mind.

No, it's okay.

Some people might think you're a freak,

but not me.

I knew you were gay all along.

I'm just glad you figured it out for yourself.

Remember when we went skiing

and went into the hot tub...

...and you sort of brushed up against me...

...and you didn't say anything...

...you just looked at me kind of funny?

-Were you hitting on me?

-Okay, you're right. I'm gay.

I've always been gay.

All these years of friendship,

football and me chasing after girls?

A ruse. A clever little trick

just to get all of you into bed.

That's right. I want all of you.

Zack, with your lilting laugh.

Bill, your farts...

...they're like perfume to me.

And Rick...

...you really figured me out, man.

I want you most of all.

My God.

Mom, you're not listening. I'm not gay.

You don't have to lie, son.

I'm not lying.

Look, I just have to pretend

to be gay for work.

I know it sounds crazy.

No, you did a brave thing,

and I think it's wonderful.

Dad must be going nuts.

No, your father feels exactly the same way.

Put him on the phone.

He can't come to the phone right now.

He's busy.

I'm never gonna have sex again.

Come on, Oscar. Of course you will.

Just maybe not with a woman.

Hi, honey.

-Wanna hang out with us?

-You wouldn't believe the day I've had.

Listen, I made you something.

Open it up.

Oh, God.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, don't be.

That was nothing.

That's not true.

You're proud of who you are.

Not everyone's like that.

-Come hang out with us.

-No, I don't want to.

We have margaritas.

Gross!

The best one is,

''I won't use a line on you.''

The anti-line line.

-I hate that.

-That is a stupid one.

Is it the same for you? Do you get

the same kind of come-ons as us?

Well, sometimes.

Like the other day...

...I was on a bus,

and this guy comes up to me and says...

...''Do you work out?''

The old workout line.

Does anyone fall for that?

Shut up!

And then, you know, he's...

...staring...

...I mean, staring at my butt.

So I turn around.

Then, of course,

my crotch is right in his face.

Oh, please!

So I turn around again,

and then there's butt.

So it's like butt, crotch, butt, crotch...

...butt, butt, butt!

Go, Oscar!

And I'm thinking, ''Hey, pal, I'm a person.

I'm not an object.''

Absolutely.

I have feelings.

It doesn't matter that he's right...

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