Threesome Page #6

What?

I think he likes boys more than he likes

girls. He's just afraid to admit it.

Think about it.

It makes total sense.

He's obsessed with male genitalia. All

he does is talk about c*cks and f***ing.

He's a complete misogynist.

Women are just objects to him.

He's a total narcissist.

He has intense self-body worship.

He has an absent father, a domineering

mother. And if that's not enough...

he knows all the lyrics

to Oklahoma and The Music Man.

He's a classic closet case.

I know, it's crazy, right?

We don't see what we don't want to see,

but I don't think he knows.

- I'm going to help him find out.

- I don't think that's a good idea.

How much did that bottle cost you?

Money is no object...

when it comes to getting

totally sh*t-faced.

- Shh. Shh.

- What?

- Wait a minute.

- What do you hear?

What?

How did we get on the ceiling?

- Uh-oh.

- How did we get on the ceiling?

Did you pay

the gravity bill this morning?

I forgot!

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's no problem. I forgive you. Let's

just get back on the floor 'cause...

- What?

- We're going back on the floor.

- Fasten your seat belt.

- Look out, floor!

Back on the floor.

Are you seeing anything?

I told you so.

- Don't. You're gonna ruin everything.

- Look at that.

He's wrong for you!

What are they doing?

Oh, my God!

It's like a devil worship thing.

It's not working.

I don't feel so good.

God!

I'm going to be sick.

Just breathe easy.

That feels good.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

Whoa, Eddy.

You'll spoil it.

Spoil what?

The intimacy.

Intimacy?

Eddy, there's not

gonna be any intimacy.

Okay. Just empty sex is fine.

Eddy, are you okay?

Because you're pretty drunk.

And so are you.

I don't like guys, okay?

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Stuart, you're

a classic closet case.

Eddy, listen to me.

You got all the telltale signs.

You got absent Oklahoma...

Music Mother, the...

I like girls.

I like them a lot.

I f*** them.

No, see, you don't. You talk about

doin' it, but you don't do it.

It's called denial. Right?

I'm an expert at denial.

I can see that a mile away.

So then how come

I'm f***in' one right now?

I see, you're f***ing an imaginary girl,

right now. Is that it?

You've got an imaginary girl?

He's got an imaginary...

It's just me and you here.

Oh, no, she's not imaginary.

She's somebody

that you know quite well.

And every day that you skip off to your

little f***in' French Cinema class...

we f*** like dogs...

and her name is Alex.

I see.

"I see," said the blind man.

Oh, sh*t.

Look out!

- Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- Sh*t, he's bleeding.

Oh, my God.

And then I said that I didn't

like guys. He didn't believe me.

He said I was in denial.

I said, "I like girls. "

He still didn't believe me.

That's when it just came out.

What?

That you and I...

- You know.

- What?

That we're f***ing, okay?

You idiot!

- God!

- I was drunk.

He was touching me.

I freaked out.

- That's all I can do from here.

- I don't need any stitches?

Stitches are next semester.

In the morning, I went

to my film class as usual.

Prophetically enough,

they showed an old French film...

about two men and a woman

in a love triangle.

Both the men loved the same woman,

and it slowly made her go insane.

In the end, she killed herself

and one of the men...

by driving her car off

of a bridge.

I understood

the moral of the story...

two's company,

three's pathetic.

I knew what I had to do.

Still not funny.

He's moving out.

I don't want you to move out.

- Why not?

- I don't wanna be alone with him.

I'll move out then.

Okay.

F*** you.

You wish.

F*** both of you.

You wish.

Don't you?

I'm pregnant.

I think.

"Within two minutes, the white tab

on the plastic stick may change color.

If the white tab remains white,

the test is negative.

If the tab turns pale blue,

the test is positive. "

If the tab turns pink, you

have been impregnated by a homosexual.

Nothing's happening.

- What do we do if it's positive?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

I mean...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

If I can just get through this part,

everything's gonna be fine.

I just want to get on

to the next part of my life.

This part sucks.

This part sucks?

How's that supposed

to make me feel?

Oh, Eddy, I'm nervous, okay?

I don't think that's it.

You two wanna get the hell out of here

and forget this ever happened!

Why haven't we been

hanging out lately?

How come we haven't talked

in the past couple of weeks, huh?

Maybe you guys can just walk away

and look for something else...

but it's not that easy for me.

Eddy, nobody's gettin' out easy.

Nobody.

You understand that?

Oh, my God.

Just prop your head up.

Stuart, come on.

Oh, Jesus.

What made this happen?

I was...

talking to Jesus.

Did he say Jesus or Elvis?

Jesus.

He said I should cut my penis off...

Oh, God.

because it was the cause

of all my problems.

Stuart, you don't have

to cut your pee-pee off.

You just can't let it

run your life.

Home free. No baby.

The semester and the year

would be over in three weeks...

whereupon Alex would move

to an apartment.

I'll call you guys later.

Stuart went home for the summer

and moved to another dorm in the fall.

I noticed that he never seemed quite the

same after that episode in the bathroom.

We all tried to keep in touch,

but you know how it is.

The next semester

I got a single...

a room all to myself.

Solitude brought out

the worst in me.

It gave me time to brood over

the nature of things.

I wondered how some people can be such a

necessary part of one's life one day...

and simply vanish the next.

Isn't it supposed to last?

We ran into each other

at graduation.

And we had lunch

about a year after that.

It was nice to see them,

but it wasn't like the old days.

Stuart ended up becoming monogamous

to a girl, if you can believe that.

In fact, I heard

they even got married.

Alex, on the other hand, enjoyed

staying single for a long time...

though she admitted to sometimes missing

the rejection from doomed relationships.

Whenever I talk to her, she always

manages to refer to my boyfriend as...

"the other woman. "

My college experience

wasn't what I'd planned.

It bore no resemblance

to the pictures in the brochure.

But I'm not unhappy.

I don't think any of us are.

We got what we needed out of it.

It's kind of like when you go

on vacation. You plan everything out.

But then one day you make

a wrong turn or take a detour...

and you end up in some crazy place

you can't even find on the map...

doing something you never

thought you'd do.

Maybe you feel a little lost

while it's happening.

But later you realize it was

the best part of the whole trip.

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