Threesome Page #5

You're afraid of women.

You hate women.

Why do you hate women?

Just stop it.

Stop it, all right?

I don't hate women.

I don't understand why we can't just

sit here without touching each other.

What's wrong with touching?

You don't try to touch

Stuart all the time, do you?

The only reason you touch me is because

you know I don't like to be touched.

What?

The only reason you're attracted to me

is you know I'm not attracted back.

- That's not true!

- It is true.

You're looking

for a self-destructive situation.

You are a rejection junky,

plain and simple.

What about you? You're the one who's

always drooling all over your roommate!

- Talk about self-destructive!

- I don't drool over him!

Liar!

You know what your problem is?

You're secretly attracted to women,

and you're afraid to admit it!

You're a closet heterosexual!

- I am not.

- Are too.

- B*tch.

- Heterosexual!

Haagen Dazs and brewskies.

Come on, man, we can

make beer floats again.

What the hell was

going on in here?

I hate him!

I do too. So what?

Oh, I'm so sick of this sh*t!

I'm so sick of it!

It's not normal!

It's not normal,

the three of us living together!

I'm sick of falling in love with guys

who don't give a f*** about me!

I'm not normal!

I need help!

I need medication!

I need money!

Oh, God!

I need a facial!

I need to go on a diet!

I need new shoes!

Oh, God!

Just do something.

Wait, wait, wait!

Here, put it on.

Okay. Okay.

Don't tell Eddy.

It's me. Are you asleep?

Just want to say I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I shouldn't have said any of it.

I'm glad you called.

I was dreaming about you.

You were my mailman.

And you wore those

cute little mailman shorts.

Kept delivering me things

from the Home Shopping Network.

Yeah, yeah. We'll have to

analyze that someday.

Where are you?

I'm just waiting for

my French Cinema class to start.

I was just thinking

about women and men.

Oh, yeah?

I think you were right

about me being afraid of women.

All men are afraid of women because

they're inherently better creatures.

They can bear children,

they can nurse them.

They have an infinitely higher capacity

to be compassionate.

It's like they're

a different species.

You were just sitting there

thinking about this?

Yeah. It's dumb, I know.

No, it's not.

I feel like I understand women more.

They're more inclusive and open.

With men, there's always a feeling

that everything's a competition.

They're so guarded.

Defensive.

Well, I just never feel

competitive with you.

I feel collaborative.

That's the wrong word.

Symbiotic.

Symbiotic.

That's a good word.

That's a really good word.

Listen.

I gotta get to my class.

Wait, Eddy.

Before you go...

will you say some other words,

some really, really big words?

Symbiotic.

Symbiosis.

Profligate.

Sepulchre.

Prevaricate.

Oh, wait, wait.

I got a good one,

I got a good one. Concupiscence.

Concupiscence?

That's a good one!

That's a really good one!

I gotta go.

I'm really glad we had this talk.

Bye.

Oh, God!

What does "concupiscence" mean?

Beats the sh*t outta me.

Get out.

Get out.

Get out, get out, get out.

I was beginning to realize that

I had something special in Alex.

Here was a woman who was willing

to do anything to have sex with me.

Suddenly something

very interesting happened.

I seemed to actually

will myself into action.

Was a whole new world

opening up to me?

I was having another dream.

I was in a desert...

and I had on this fur bikini...

like Raquel Welch.

And you were there...

as a butcher,

and you had all these sausages.

I must still be dreaming.

No?

This is happening?

This is happening.

Is that how it's supposed to go?

- It was perfect.

- Good.

I'm really glad we did this.

Me too.

That part when my, you know...

was in with your thing and...

- That was good?

- It was great.

Good.

Maybe this should just be

our little secret.

- So?

- So? So what?

So I had sex with a woman.

- What?

- But it wasn't very good, though.

- What woman did you have sex with?

- This girl in my French Cinema class.

Well, f***in' a, bro!

Yeah, but I didn't

really enjoy it.

You have to change your whole outlook

on this subject matter.

For me, sex, it's like pizza. Even

if it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Just do me a favor. Don't tell Alex.

- Why?

- If she finds out I had sex...

albeit mediocre sex with someone

other than her, she'll get jealous.

Don't worry about that.

This is beautiful!

All you need is a couple more tries.

Before you know it,

you'll be rockin' and rollin'.

The first time you have sex, you're so

flipped out you're actually doing it...

you can't tell whether

you're enjoying it or not.

Come on, man!

God has given you a penis...

and that penis

is meant for f***ing.

Ever hear the expression, "The little

head thinking for the big head?"

I live by that. Trust me.

It's a beautiful way to live.

Don't worry about practicing

with somebody alive. I'll get you...

"a blow me up, suck me off,

f*** me" doll.

It'll suck your dick.

You can f*** the sh*t out of it.

It'll be a beautiful thing.

As Stuart ranted and raved,

something very shocking occurred to me.

I'd always sensed something

strange about Stuart's behavior...

something that set him apart

from your average straight guy.

Could it be that what I'd been looking

for was right under my nose all along?

Could Stuart be a homo?

- Are you with me on this or what?

- Absolutely.

- I know something that you don't.

- What?

I'm not supposed to say...

but I think that Eddy

slept with a girl.

- Who?

- He won't say...

but I think it's some chick

from his French Cinema class.

That's nice.

- You want me to come scrub your back?

- Sure.

He thought you'd be jealous.

I can handle it.

There's really nothing to be jealous

about because he said it was lousy.

- What was?

- The sex.

He said that she was

a lousy lay.

There's nothing worse

than a lousy lay.

I remember this girl

from high school, Monica Bryson.

She was like...

like a piece of fish loaf.

I mean she was really

un-f***in'- believably bad.

I think that I'd rather have a dog fart

in my face than be with her again.

Ow! You're hurting me.

- With this?

- Yes!

I think you're upset because

I called her a piece of fish loaf.

I apologize.

Perhaps I should've said

she was a skanky, fishy b*tch wad.

Just get out!

Just get out! Get out!

So I was a lousy lay, huh?

What did you say?

Never mind! You weren't supposed

to say anything. It was a secret!

I didn't tell him it was you.

Besides, it wasn't lousy.

It was pretty good, considering...

- Considering what?

- Considering that you're a girl!

I shouldn't have.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what the hell I know.

I felt like an impostor.

I am so confused.

It's okay. It was fine.

We just need to practice.

I don't think I can. Anyway,

I think I figured out something.

What?

Come on now.

I think Stu is...

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