Threesome Page #4

Are you that jealous?

My dear, we're just worried about

a young man that comes a-courtin'.

Is he a Christian?

- Leave me alone.

- Wait.

- What?

- One more question.

It's about his hair.

Is it fiberglass or steel?

We think that Larry...

is very scary.

- And hairy.

- Very hairy.

So be wary...

of very scary hairy Larry.

- Exactly. Yeah.

- Be wary.

Stop!

Stop that!

No!

What's up, bro?

- Guys, it's 3:
00 in the morning.

- Shut up!

By the following morning,

we had forgotten about Scary Larry.

I think I found the source

of your foul, mysterious odor.

My sausage and pepperoni

with extra cheese and double anchovy.

I been looking for this.

We never heard from Larry

ever again...

but not two weeks later...

Stuart told us about a slice of hair pie

he'd been trying to get a bite of.

Hip to the lingo,

we knew this meant he'd met a girl...

and was trying

to get her into bed.

How come you never say anything?

I'm shy.

How come...

How come you never introduce me

to any of your friends?

You want to meet my friends?

So the nuns says to the mechanic...

" No, but if you give me a lube job,

I'll throw you some Hail Marys. "

I went to Catholic school...

and all my teachers were nuns.

- I'm sorry. I didn't know.

- No, I...

You didn't, like,

offend me or anything...

but I remember something

that happened with the nuns once.

Well, we took

this field trip once...

and we were on this school bus

that was, like, really old.

So all of a sudden

it just broke down...

and we all got out,

and we waited...

and some of us

started wandering off.

And we came to this path...

that led to this huge,

like, meadow...

that was really pretty.

Then what happened?

Well, it was just

a really pretty meadow.

That's neat.

Will you excuse me?

I have to go use

the ladies room.

She's so sweet.

Will you kick this

into my forehead, please?

Shut up, all right?

I like being around her.

When I'm around her I feel intellectual.

All things being relative.

Besides that she's got

a really great set of titties.

- No, she doesn't.

- She does. I told her the other night.

- I said, "You have great tits. "

- And good, like, grammar, like, too.

Like, great storytelling.

- She's so sweet.

- She's so sweet.

I was out to dinner with her

the other night...

and I asked her

if she liked Scorsese...

and she said,

"Well, I'm really not that hungry. "

We were efficient

at eliminating outsiders.

It seemed the whole world had been

divided into two categories:

those who got the joke,

and those who didn't.

We were the only ones

who got the joke.

I like her.

I think I was

especially stricken.

I thought that if Stuart and Alex

could have been...

genetically merged

into one person...

he or she would have been

the love of my life.

I think not.

I promise you'll enjoy yourself.

Just slowly down...

- Just for a second.

- I don't want to!

Please, just for a second.

Right there.

Okay. All right, stop.

Okay. I understand.

Okay. That's enough. Stop it.

Let go!

Come on, now. This is very serious.

Who else can we think of?

Instead, I had to contend

with their matchmaking notions.

I got it. What about that teacher

of yours in your film class?

You said he was

giving you the evil eye, right?

Stuart, he's 47 years old.

So?

So I don't need to be fixed up,

all right? Let's just drop this.

Yes, you do.

The question is with who.

"With whom. "

I still think it's a job

for a young woman.

He doesn't need p*ssy.

He needs dick.

Big, hard dick.

Good-bye.

If you're so hot on the idea,

why don't you have sex with him?

Taste of semen makes me gag.

How would you know?

Whose semen were you eating?

My own.

So I see you got "leid," Edward.

What?

Right. Yeah.

That's a good one, Richard.

Front desk dick.

What's up?

Come in, Eddy.

I want you

to say hello to Richard.

- " Hello to Richard. "

- Hello, Edward.

Will you excuse me?

See ya later.

This is really awkward for me.

What is?

Well, when Alex told me what you said,

I was sort of taken aback at first...

but then I realized...

that I have always

felt similarly toward you.

What exactly did she say?

Well, you know,

that you like me...

but that you were too shy

to say anything.

It's funny, you know. I have always

been attracted to shy people.

Maybe it's because

I'm pretty shy myself.

You seem really nervous.

Maybe this is a mistake.

- No, I'm rushing things. Aren't I?

- No, but...

Look, I've thought you were cute

since you moved in, and I...

Really?

Maybe this'll help you relax.

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's my fault.

Damn it!

Wait a minute!

Where you going?

Listen to me.

I know what I'm talking about.

If you don't get sex pretty soon...

what'll happen is your dick will just

get smaller and smaller and smaller...

until eventually it'll just shrivel up,

go up inside your body...

and then what do you have?

- A vagina.

- Shut up.

We're sorry.

We'll never meddle in your sex life,

or lack thereof, ever again.

What'd he do,

try to grab your nuts?

No.

He tried to kiss me.

I could see his nose hairs.

His breath was really bad too.

Smelled like kitty litter.

It did. I swear to God.

Here it is.

It's great. Too bad we didn't

bring bathing suits, huh?

Don't be an old fart.

Feels good.

Come on in!

Hurry up!

Come on!

- No.

- Come on, Eddy.

No. It's cold.

It's very cold out here. I'm freezing.

- How come you're sweating?

- It's cold sweat.

Please?

Come on!

No one's looking.

Come on.

It feels good on your balls.

That's nice, Stuart.

That's very nice.

Look, the moon's showing.

It's really cold!

I'm grabbing the rock.

I'm gonna drown.

I want everyone to stay

with their fun buddy.

Nobody leaves

their fun buddy, okay?

Hey, look!

Oh, no.

Let's go.

Terry, Mary, let's go.

This way.

Alex said that the priest

symbolized God...

the children, lost innocence...

and the three of us,

a postmodern Eve with two Adams...

banished from the sacred garden...

to wander in the wilderness for eternity

because we had sinned.

We had acknowledged our own nakedness

and partaken of the forbidden fruit.

Though it amounted to only a kiss...

a touch... it changed everything.

Pandora's proverbial box

had been opened...

but, more interestingly...

I'm not sure any of us

wanted it closed again.

Want some pizza?

No. I'm fat.

Alex, you're not fat.

You're skinny.

I'm so fat.

You know,

I've been giving it some thought.

I think you are fat.

Don't toy with my emotions.

Come here.

Comfort me.

I've been so depressed.

Me too.

We don't hang out

like we used to.

Let's comfort each other.

Put your head on my breast.

Is this a sex thing?

Will you just be human for once?

Put your arms around me.

And relax.

What are you doing, Alex?

I'm lovingly stroking your hair.

You can't stand to be

alone with me, can you?

You always want to have

Stuart along for the ride.

- It's true, isn't it?

- Yeah, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

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