Threesome Page #3

Don't tell Stuart, all right?

- Sure.

- You promise?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Were you just looking

at my butt?

No.

You weren't just looking

at my butt?

Don't know

what you're talking about.

Eddy, I've been thinking

about something.

That's good.

I think you were checking out

my butt the other day.

I was not.

I think you were.

I don't care what you think.

Are you a homo?

F*** off.

It's okay if you are.

Doesn't bother me.

I'm secure enough in my own sexuality

to not feel threatened by it.

I have a very hip attitude

about this sort of thing.

My mom had a lot of gay friends.

You know, it's not a good time to be

a sexually promiscuous homo.

You ever butt-f***ed anybody?

Jesus!

No? You ever been butt-f***ed?

Please, Stuart. Please shut up.

All right?

I'm not gonna finish writing

this paper for you unless you shut up.

Look, I don't have anything

against homos.

I mean, you are what you are, right?

And it's okay

if you look at my butt.

It's a nice butt.

I know that.

Will you stop saying

the word "butt"?

- But...

- That's it.

Hey, Eddy, this paper's due tomorrow.

What am I gonna do?

Guess what?

What?

- Eddy is a proud home owner.

- A what?

A homeboy.

Homo erectus.

- A fag.

- I didn't say that.

You didn't deny it.

I don't believe it.

You can't say "fag. "

It's like when one black guy

calls another "n*gger. "

You can't say it

unless you are one.

You just said "n*gger,"

and you're not a black guy.

It's okay, though,

'cause I'm a fag.

You see?

What'd I tell you?

- Stop saying that word.

- He is what he is.

He doesn't know what he is.

He's confused.

He's not confused about my butt.

Do you like boys or girls?

The truth is,

sometimes both are attractive.

- Of course they are.

- But if you think it through...

gay sex, by definition,

is better than straight sex.

Get the f*** outta here.

- No, I have a theory.

- I would love to hear this.

Well, as I see it,

it all has to do with equipment...

and the correct use

of that equipment.

Now, if you have male genitalia,

as I do...

and you're sleeping with someone

who also has male genitalia...

then you have firsthand knowledge

of how their equipment works.

You know where

the pressure-sensitive points are.

You know what buttons to push.

On the other hand, if you're a man

having sex with a woman or vice versa...

then you really never know

how they feel.

You don't know if they really feel great

or if they're just faking it.

Wow.

No. No.

Straight sex is better than gay sex.

It's written in the Bible.

Is that in the King James

or the New World edition?

Look, I just know. Okay?

How do you know, Stuart?

I mean, have you compared the two?

Have you?

Surely you admit

that lesbian sex...

is more satisfying to women

than hetero sex, right?

I mean, that's an established fact.

Everybody knows that.

I've grown tired.

Look, no matter what happens,

somebody's gonna get screwed.

Who's gonna get screwed?

I think you guys know

what I'm talking about.

I think it's destructive

and dangerous.

What is?

Don't act stupid.

He's not acting, Alex.

Okay, look.

You have the hots for me,

I have the hots for him...

and sooner or later,

he's gonna have the hots for you.

Sounds pretty hot to me.

Let's make a vow.

Sacred vow.

The three of us

are gonna be friends, and that's it.

I mean, aren't you guys tired

of this whole sex thing?

How can I be tired of this whole

sex thing if I haven't had any sex?

Well, then, have sex with someone

outside our little circle.

Sex with strangers.

That sounds wise.

Forget about that.

But as far as the three of us go,

let's just be friends.

No sex.

Yes, Stuart?

Do blow jobs count as sex?

I'm not gonna blow you, man,

and that's final.

Come on!

Okay?

Okay.

Sacred vows are all

very well and good...

but only moments later I felt Alex

eyeing my rear end on the way home.

And as we said good night,

Stuart allowed his gaze to linger...

on the gently sloping nape

of Alex's neck.

And I stayed up

for reasons of my own.

But the sacred vow was observed...

at least on the surface...

and we became friends.

Hey, Stuart!

Watch out for the balloons!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm sorry.

Alex, I'm in here.

Can you please wait?

How about, "Alex, you look so nice"?

Stuart, let's go.

Get outta here!

Get outta here.

- Alex, come on. Get out.

- Don't f***ing push me!

I swear I'll hit you. I'm violent.

I'll hit you with it.

It's not funny!

The oddity of our happy little enclave

is lost on no one.

Especially not the lobby lizards.

All I wanna know

is who's doing who.

I heard that Eddy and Stu

are taking turns with her.

I think the guys are gay,

and she's their fag hag.

She's not a fag hag.

You're a fag hag.

- I am not.

- Leave her alone, Stuart.

Leave me alone!

I don't like you.

Stop it.

You're hurting me!

Would you knock it off?

I bruise easily. I have 5,000

gazillion-jillion bruises from you.

- Where did he hurt you? Let me see.

- Look at that.

- Right there? Is that where it hurts?

- Don't you get like that.

Oh, my God.

It's total S&M.

Hi.

How are the three musketeers?

Just one big happy family.

It sounds pretty kinky.

Incest is best.

Right there. Right there.

Unbelievable.

One night, when Alex had the nerve

to go to a party without us...

Stuart and I fell asleep

in her room.

A foul and mysterious odor having

driven us out of our own quarters.

What are you doing in here?

Our room has

a foul and mysterious odor.

Why don't you clean it?

You used to be a clean person. Let's go.

That was before

I moved in with him.

I used to make hospital corners.

Now I don't even wash my sheets.

- Who are you?

- That's Larry. This is Eddy and Stuart.

Hi.

What's his name? "Scary?"

I think he said " Larry. "

- Get out!

- " Larry?"

Yes, " Larry. "

Come on. Let's go. Get out.

Stop kicking at me.

Get out.

- Are you hungry?

- No, thank you.

- I'm sorry.

- No problem.

We should've expected it.

No oaths of exclusivity had been taken.

Quite the opposite.

But, nonetheless, we felt supplanted

by Larry and betrayed by Alex.

The sanctuary

had been trespassed upon.

You're a very special girl.

I think I'd like to get

to know you a lot better.

What are your dreams?

Who is Alex?

Gosh, let's not talk.

You're right.

Let's communicate via

the international language of love.

Twenty. Sh*t.

- You hungry?

- Am I ever not hungry?

Pizza?

Sounds good.

Okay.

- You think Alex is hungry?

- Let's not forget about Scary Larry.

- Hi. You hungry?

- I hope you burn in hell!

I don't think she's hungry.

I think she's mad.

No, you're mistaken.

You need to call her back up

and make sure you didn't...

ruffle her feathers unnecessarily.

What a good idea.

Hi. It's me again.

Look, I was curious.

Are you angry with me because I called,

or because you're just not hungry?

Hello?

She hung up.

What the f*** is wrong with you guys?

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