Throw Momma from the Train Page #6

Momma! You're alive!

Old people - you have to reassure them.

Mr Lift, can we get back

to Professor Donner?

Yes. By all means, let's get back to him.

- Mr Lift...

- Oh! You know what?

This... This box is empty.

Could you get me some tea in the pantry?

Sure. No problem.

(detective) You said that he loved his wife.

What gave you that idea?

Oh! I'm sorry, officer.

I have some tea right here on the stove.

It won't be necessary.

- Oh. No problem.

- What was that question again?

What makes you think

that he loved his wife?

But you know what you could get me

is some sugar.

Is it in the pantry?

- Yeah.

- No problem.

I shouldn't use sugar in my tea because

I'm carryin' around this spare tyre.

I'd like to get rid of it

but it's so hard to cut back.

- Owen! You did it, didn't you, Owen?

- No, Momma, I didn't.

- Yes, you did!

- No! Honest to God, I didn't do it!

You told them to take me away!

Oh. No, Momma. No.

- You came to take me away!

- I'm sorry. My momma's not feelin' well.

Not feeling well, my foot!

- I'm sorry.

- You little bastard!

I said you'd desert me, and you did!

The only way they'll get me

outta here is to drag me out!

You're gonna have to

take me out in a pine box!

Get out! Get outta my house!

Owen!

You're grounded!

I can't believe that you brought them here!

- Why didn't you kill Momma?

- Because I'm not a killer!

I can't put a pillow over her face

and squeeze the life out of her!

- You see that door with the hook on it?

- Yeah.

Every night around nine o'clock, she yells

"Bath" and hangs her shawl on that hook.

- I'll bet that's where I come in.

- Yeah.

- Now, how did I know that?

- Come on, come on.

- Watch out for my skates.

- Ow!

(hinge falls down stairs)

She'll get out of her chair,

she'll go to the door,...

.. you go behind her and pow!

Down the stairs she goes.

- And where are you gonna be?

- Howie's Lanes. Come on.

To hell with this guy! What am I? Crazy?

I'm outta here. I can't stay here.

- I can't stay in this house!

- (siren)

Stand back, please.

Milk and Mallomars...

Bath!

- Who the hell are you?!

- I'm Owen's friend.

- Owen doesn't have a friend!

- That's because he's shy.

No, he's not. He's fat and he's stupid.

Get outta my house! Where is Owen?

- Owen went bowling.

- I want Owen!

- He'll be back soon.

- I want my bath and my medicine!

- I can get it for you.

- Who the hell are you?

- Let me hang that up.

- I can do it myself!

- I know, but I'd like to hang it up for you.

- Get out of my way, you black bastard!

What?!

Mrs Lift!

- He tried to kill me.

- What?

I said, he's tryin' to kill me!

Mrs Lift! Don't...

I can hang up my own goddamn shawl.

He's trying to kill me!

I asked for the salted nuts!

He brought me the unsalted nuts!

The unsalted nuts make me choke!

Aargh!

Pain in the ass!

Oh, no!

Your friend had an accident. He's dead!

You go bowling and leave

a corpse to take care of me!

- He's dead?

- See for yourself!

Larry! My friend!

- My friend! Larry!

- (mimics) "My friend! My friend!"

You little crybaby!

Go bury him in the yard

before he stinks up the place!

Larry, you're alive!

You killed her.

Holy sh*t! What a dream I was having!

Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me!

- Mrs Lift?

- Get away from me, you horse's ass!

(groans)

She's not a woman. She's the Terminator.

(dinging)

The ex-husband of missing novelist

Margaret Donner...

.. is wanted for questioning

but has now himself disappeared.

If you have any information regarding his

whereabouts, contact your local police.

Owen! There's a murderer in the house!

Hello, police? I found him!

The wife murderer!

- He's here!

- Gimme the phone!

I'm on the next train to Mexico.

- No! This is no time to panic.

- This is the perfect time to panic!

She turned me in! Do what you want

with her. I gotta think about myself.

Larry, don't leave me!

Larry!

(cracking)

I'm sorry, Larry.

It's OK, Owen.

- I messed everything up.

- Owen, it's gonna be OK.

I ruined your life.

Come on, Owen. Sometimes

things happen in life for a reason.

No, really. Maybe I was meant to go to

Mexico to be a writer. You never know.

This is a great ending.

I don't have the beginning,

but this is a great ending.

Story of my life. I always have

great endings and no beginnings.

That's not good for a writer, is it?

No, it's not.

How about "The night was humid"?

- It's hot in here.

- Yeah, hot and close.

- Moist.

- Right. "The night was moist. "

This is what I'm talking about.

It's writing. Finding the perfect word.

The perfect start. "It was the best

of times, it was the worst of times".

"Now is the winter of our discontent".

See what I'm saying?

Perfect beginnings. Perfect words.

It's like us. We're on a train

to Mexico. We're on the lam.

It's exciting, it's kinda mysterious.

Do you say "The night was humid"

or "The night was moist"? That's writing!

The night was sultry.

I'm getting the hell outta here!

Too goddamn sultry in here!

Where you goin'?

I'm gonna kill the b*tch.

- You want anything?

- You can get me a Chunky.

- Come here, Mrs Lift.

- You stay away from me, you murderer!

Momma...

Mrs Lift!

- (Owen) Momma!

- Murderer! Murderer!

Momma... Momma...

Sultry? I'll show you

something sultry, Mrs Lift!

G, 54.

Stupid bingo! Don't you idiots know

there's a murderer loose on this train?!

- Mrs Lift, come back here.

- Bingo bastards.

My mother's a little overmedicated.

Murderer! Murderer!

There's a murderer on the train.

Wake up, you nutheads! Murderer!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Wake up! There's a murderer on the train!

Mrs Lift?

Aarrghhh!

- Mrs Lift, be careful!

- Get away from me, you murderer!

- No!

- (Momma yells)

- Mrs Lift...

- Let me go, you murderer!

Owen!

- Larry, you'll kill her!

- Save me!

I'm not tryin' to kill her!

I'm tryin' to save her, you toad!

Come on, Mrs Lift!

Owen! Save me!

Aarrghhh!

Owen! Save me!

Owen!

- What are you doin' to my momma?!

- Making a wish! What do you think?!

Help!

Oh, no! Larry!

Oh, you saved me, my Owen!

- Mrs Lift, are you OK?

- Beat it, chump!

- Larry!

- Aarghhh!

Bye, Larry!

To tell you the truth,

it was all a little bit embarrassing.

My earring fell over the rail.

I bent over to retrieve it.

The last thing I remember,

I was in the water.

She fell off the boat. She fell off the boat.

The little bastard never laid a hand on her.

This wonderful Adonis of the deep...

Oh, I love that. "Adonis of the deep".

She's rescued by a fishing boat!

The woman is priceless.

- You gotta love this woman.

- Do you love this woman?

Shikamoto nursed me back to health,

and we're going to be married.

Who asked this guy

to pull her outta the water?

(chuckles)

Margaret Donner, author

of the best seller "Hot Fire",...

.. has sold the movie rights

of her ordeal at sea for $1.5 million.

Will wonders never cease!

Back to you, Stan.

She's a genius. She's getting $1.5 million

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