Tig Page #6

We're friends. Yeah.

Oh!

You're very cute.

I know, I need a haircut.

- Hey.

- Hi.

He's home.

Told you he wouldn't be long.

Do you know that guy?

Amanda has talked in the past

about providing surrogacy

for her sister,

for a best friend,

and those didn't need to happen,

it turned out.

So it never really happened.

But I thought, you know,

Amanda's talked about doing this before.

Maybe this could...

Maybe this would work out somehow.

You wanna go back and forth,

have a question off?

Sure.

Do either of you have a criminal record?

- No.

- Nope.

- Does Harpo?

- Not yet.

The father...

Should I be treating you as a couple,

or should I be treating you

as an individual?

- As an individual.

- Okay.

But I mean, he's also

one of my closest, oldest friends.

Yeah. I would just think,

for your own sanity,

you're gonna want to

have people around.

That looks fun, Harpo.

Oh, I ruined it.

Will you be doing, like, a will?

Like, a revised one

for the potential child?

'Cause if something

happened to you, God forbid,

while I was pregnant,

it would be nice to know

kinda what the game plan,

- or who to talk to about the situation.

- Mmm-hmm.

I have not done that,

but I'm trying to go about this

in a...

reasonable...

as reasonable and thorough as you can,

- getting a surrogate through a podcast.

- Yeah.

Here you go.

What an interesting door.

Ah, I see.

One of those.

- Hey! Hi, Harpo.

- How's it going?

He's all stinky-bottom.

Yeah. I know.

Harpo, you should've used a toilet.

What were you thinking?

Harpo, what do you think of L.A.?

I'm gonna go hold her hand

if you feel like watching

a little baby for a while.

- Absolutely.

- Everything he needs is in there.

Enjoy.

Nice, dear.

Harpo! Let's hang.

- Have fun, buddy.

- Hi!

Hi!

You're so easygoing,

it's ridiculous.

What baby just gets handed off

to essentially a stranger

and just starts

laughing and smiling?

Harpo. That's who.

This is an interesting technique.

That is not how I read magazines,

but you know, I'm...

I'm not here to judge.

Okay.

- Her uterus looks very normal.

- Okay.

And the uterine cavity

basically has no lesions in it

and it looks great.

- Okay. Uh-huh.

- Gorgeous.

No, just the black team.

Stephanie had been

hanging out very casually.

We had almost six months

of going to dinner, hanging out, bowling,

and I reached a point

where I realized I wanted to be with her.

It started to grow into this thing

of not just being into her,

but somebody

where there was potential

and somebody that I felt like

I could really get serious about.

It was hard to stay

as casual as we were.

We were texting, we were

having dinner, we were hanging out.

We'd stay till the restaurant closed.

We'd talk in our car

until the sun came up.

But it was such a mystery to me

with it being a woman that I couldn't...

If it was a guy, I'd be like,

"Of course we were dating."

But in my mind, I...

Every time I'd see her,

I was like, "What am I doing?"

Like, I couldn't figure it out.

And then, she was being interviewed

by the GRAMMYs Association.

I went to it,

and I remember that night going,

"I feel like I'm on a date with her."

You know, a lot of people have asked

if it bummed me out that...

You know, they're like,

"Oh, I've been a fan of yours for years,"

and, you know, "I can't believe

it took cancer to..." you know.

And for a little while,

I think I was like, "Yeah!"

You know.

But then I thought about it,

and it's not cancer

that brought the attention.

It was... I was doing stand-up.

- And that's what I do.

- Mmm-hmm.

So I'm...

I'm okay with how I reached where I am.

Tig Notaro.

Thank you.

But this is something

they do all the time?

Yeah, with, like, Stevie Nicks

- and people like that.

- Oh, cool.

But not, like, people like me.

I wasn't comfortable hearing my album.

- Really?

- Oh, it makes me so uncomfortable.

- And you've only listened to it once?

- Mmm.

It's fun to see you listen to it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Could you tell I was uncomfortable?

- No?

- No.

- But you don't know me well.

- Not that you were like...

Not that you were like,

"Yeah! Turn it up!"

- "Turn it up. I love this part. Shh!"

- "This part."

- "Ah, yeah! Cancer."

- "Every time."

"I get cancer every time right here."

I had no plans to talk to her

about our relationship,

but by the end of the night,

I think just hanging out with her,

it really came over me.

I wanna commit to this person...

and...

I felt like if that wasn't gonna happen,

I needed to step away.

That night, she said,

"I can't do this anymore."

And I immediately just said,

"Okay, fine."

Because I was like,

"What am I doing to this person?"

And, "This isn't fair."

And, "She's so clear

on how she feels, and in her life,

and it's... it's nothing."

And here I'm gonna be like,

"Well, I just... Can I try?

And I don't know how...

if it's gonna be right.

And it's just gonna be,

like, a waste of time."

So we, sort of, ended it.

I was so sad.

Give it up for Ms. Tig Notaro.

It's Tig Notaro!

I have a joke about

my b*obs overhearing

all of my

"oh, them little titty" jokes,

- and being like...

- Uh-huh.

"She doesn't even appreciate us.

Let's just get out of here."

That was funny.

I feel like I did that one night,

and people were like...

Oh!

But I think,

maybe I didn't have the confidence.

If you can pull it off

and make them feel comfortable,

I think that'd be a winner.

Oh, my God,

here's an idea that I had.

- This is dumb!

- Oh!

I know.

This is a headline from The Onion

that made me laugh so hard.

What is that?

"Seagull with diarrhea

barely makes it...

barely makes it

to crowded beach in time."

- Oh, my God.

- I would...

I would wake up...

and think about that

and just start laughing.

- That is so funny.

- So...

I'm wanting to write a bit about

your brain, like, can't move on.

Like, everyone's moved on.

'Cause there are people

that move on from that just fine.

- Right.

- I can't move on.

That is really funny.

And then I'll go into diarrhea.

And then I'll go into--

I...

have spent years

making fun of how flat-chested I am.

And then...

I got bilateral breast cancer.

Thank you.

Good night.

Whoo!

Whoo! Cancer!

Um... Yeah, it just seems like,

probably my chest was overhearing

all the jokes over the years,

and they were just like,

"You know what, let's get out of here."

I'm gonna go work on some new material.

The good news is, nice new rack.

I've been working tirelessly

on building a new hour of material.

I did this live Professor Blastoff tour.

Welcome.

It just was helping

ease back into live performance.

Everything was fun

and there was no pressure.

Go!

She-- Look at her!

That's how she's been the whole night.

Then it picks up momentum.

I love this.

Love when there's a snort.

It's old muscles that get worked out.

- That wasn't me.

- Nobody said it was you.

Can you come here?

What do you mean, "No"?

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