Tim Minchin: So Live Page #6

a bit, you know? Maybe lie on my towel.

I'll bring you an ice-cream.

- Yeah, don't bother, Tony, you're a freak.

Come on, school, let's go.

Let's otracize him for being different.

Yeah, let's ostracize him, Tony's a freak.

Let's ostracize him for being different.

No, don't ostracize me.

I'm just a little bit different.

Oh, bugger you, then!

I'll show you guys!

F*** me!

Those are gonna come in handy!

And imagine what Tony would think

standing there on his brand new feet,

on the brink of the beginnings

of mankind as we know it, it-

If he could look forward,

just a few short

hundreds of millions of years, to see

one of his descendants,

an Israeli jew by the name of Jesus,

having a nail hammerd through his feet,

-the very feet that Tony provided him with-

as a punishment for having a sort of

schizophrenic discourse with a god,

who was created by men

to explain the existence of feet in the absence

of the knowledge of the existence of Tony.

I think that would

blow his little fishy mind.

This religious friend of mine-

Arguments often end with him telling me

that I'm not really open-minded.

And, because he's my friend and I respect him,

I've written him a song.

It's called

'If You Open Your Mind Too Much,

Your Brain Will Fall Out'.

Which I think is brilliant.

That is so, so clever.

Unfortunatly, I didn't come up with it myself,

I read that in a book.

So, to avoid copyright issues,

I've given it a subtitle,

uh, which is

'Take My Wife!'

If anyone can show me one example

in the history of the world

Of a single psychic who has been able to prove

under reasonable experimental conditions that they are able to read minds

And if anyone can show me one example in the history of the world of a single

Astrologer who has been able to prove under reasonable experimental conditions

that they can predict future human events by interpreting celestial signs

And if anyone can show me one example in the history of the world of a single

Homeopathic Practitioner who has been able to prove under reasonable experimental conditions

that solutions made up of infinitely tiny particles of good stuff

dissolved repeatedly into relatively huge quantities of water

have a consistently higher medicinal value than a similarly administered

placebo

And if anyone can show me just one example in the history of the world of a single

Spiritual person who has been able to show either logically or empirically

the existence of a higher power with any consciousness or interest in the human race

or ability to punish or reward humans for there moral choices

or that there is any reason - other than fear - to believe in any version of an afterlife

I will give you my piano,

one of my legs,

and my wife.

I think that's important.

I think that's important that,

even if, you know,

one's job -as it is in my case-

is to entertain, uh,

It's such an honour to have an audience like you,

watching me for hours and hours on end.

I think sometimes that I should respect that honour, by-

by trying to do something with bit of a message in it,

so it's not purely entertainment,

but there is something you guys

can take away, and in some way-

Too grand, I am,

but in some way of maybe

I think, contribute to the betterment

of the world, you know?

So, I've got this song which adresses

the environmental issue.

About which I feel very strongly, and, um,

I'd love to perform it for you now,

in the hope that maybe we can

contribute to the resolution of this issue.

Hit it.

Take your canvas bags

When you go

To the supermarket

Why use plastic bags when you know

You know the world cant take it

Take your canvas bags

When you go

To the supermarket, market, market

Dont you use those plastic ones

No, no, no

Dont you know that youll feel better for it

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

Break it down!

Take your canvas, take your canvas

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

All the ladies in the house, come on

and let me hear you say 'Canvas'!

All the fellas in the house, come on

and let me hear you say 'Bags'!

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

To the supermarket

Just think about the world

And how the world would be fantastic

If we got rid of all the plastic

We just need to get enthusiastic

Organize a competition gymnastic

Or a bag making comp at your school

F*** it, make it interscholastic

Canvas is for everyone

Whether you be rebellious and iconoclastic

Or conservative or ecclesiastic

I dont care if youre loud and bombastic

Or quiet or virtually monastic

Sober or on the floor spastic

Yoga master or completely inelastic

Im not trying to be ironic or sarcastic

Just do something drastic

Take your canvas bags

Take your canvas bags

... to the supermarket

Black out!

This is an interval song

This is an interval song

This is an interval song

Cause it's the interval.

Who does the interval song?

Pendant le filmage de ce spectacle,

c'est ici que se trouvait l'entracte.

Maintenant que c'est un DVD, il n'y a plus besoin d'entracte

puisque l'invention du bouton pause les a rendu obsoltes.

Mais si vous voulez une tasse de th, autant la faire maintenant.

Sinon, attendez une petite seconde, parce que Tim va revenir.

Ah, le voil.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is a song I wrote, uh...

on the morning after I got married,

to my wife.

Weve got years ahead of us

Weve got people who care for us

Yeah, weve got Sunday morning coffees in the sun

Weve got Monday night television

Yeah, weve got years of happiness

Weve got decades of laughter ahead

Yeah, weve got Christmases with family by the sea

Weve got wine and vintage cheddar

Yeah, I have everything a man could ever want

And all Ill ever need is you

Cos nothing can stop us now

Only the good times left

Nothing can stop our love

Except terminal illness

Or sudden accidental death

Thank you very much.

Never gets a huge laugh, that one.

Well I wake up in the morning at 11:47 and I cant believe I have to face

the horror of another f***ing day

And the magnificent magnitude of my morning erection

merely mocks me like the sun in its optimistic greeting of the day

Managing to manifest a modicum of motivation

I meander to the kitchen make a mission out of mixing Nescafe

But the milk is going off and coffee by itself is bitter

and theres ants all through the sugar and the supermarkets miles a-f***ing-way

My life is pretty sad

But I know that I should be glad.

I could be a starving Ethiope

Or a policeman in Bagdad

policeman in Bagdad

Bagdad

At 11:
53 I instigate the days ablutions

in the hope my constitution can be altered by some action on the bowel

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