Tim Minchin: So Live Page #7

But the total non-existence of colonic animation seems to me the perfect metaphor

for the utter constipation of my soul

By 11:
59 I have decided that my life would be immediately improved

by a carefully written list of short-term goals

But by 12.05 my list consists of 1-dot put some pants on,

2-dot go to the shop, buy some prunes and Panadol

My life is pretty sh*t

But I know I shouldnt whinge about it

I could be a Palestinian

Driving buses on the Gaza strip

Yeah how bad can it be?

Some people have it worse than me

I could be a Ipswitch prostitute

Or Gary Glitters family

I have no right to cry

Some people have it worse than I

I could be a thalidomide kid

With something in my eye

something in my eye

my eye

At 12:
30 I realise Im feeling so dejected

that Ive totally neglected the beginning of the Jerry Springer show

So I settle on the sofa try to focus an iota of

my motor-neurones on the brilliant insights for which Jerry is known

And although on any other day a show entitled Midgets Midget Midgets

would excite me like a virgin at her year eleven ball

Today those little jelly-wresting fellas fail to free me of my misery

instead they simply serve to make me feel three foot tall

But how bad can it be?

Some people have it worse than me

I could be a junior life saver on a

Banderachi beach

Or a woman in Afghanistan

Or a Jew in the Klu Klux Klan

Or the architect of the World Trade Centre

Or a bobcat driver in Bam Iran

I could have my identity mistaken

As a bomber in an underground station

Or I could be a peace-loving speech-writer

In George Ws administration

Yeah you know that I dont have the right

To be unhappy with my life

I could be Hitlers mother

Or Shane Warnes wife

And I know that I shouldnt be bitchin

I could be in a worse position

I could be a 3-nippled naturopath

In the days of the Spanish in, the Spanish inquisition

You know I have no right, no right to cry

Some people have it much, much worse than I

I could have a serious nut allergy

And be shipwrecked on an island with a crate of Snickers bars

A jar of Nutella and a fresh baked pecan

pie

Some people have it worse than I

So, yes, I'm, um ...

I'm married. I got married at 26.

I got married quite young.

I've been with the same woman for ... ages.

In fact- This is another little personal thing, but um,

I say- I'm telling you cos it's quite

uncommon these days,

In my generation, anyway.

I actually lost my virginity

to the woman I ended up marrying.

It's not quite as sad as it sounds.

But it's pretty f***ing close to that.

We're both in our thirties now,

and one of the things that

happens, if anyone's in a long-term relationship,

and you haven't got kids yet,

when you hit 30,

The pressure to have kids just --

And it's ridiculous, because

30's just a number, you know?

How do you know that, suddenly, you hit 30,

and you're suddenly endowed with all the

attributes a parent needs, you know,

like selflessness, and ...

And, like, when I hit 30, I remember

An example :
my thirtiest birthday diner,

I remember,

the sort of stuff we were talking about,

the main conversation on my birthday diner was

about what our last words would be.

We all thought it was really important to have

really kick-ass final words. Just in case, you know,

we died sooner than we thought.

We wanted to make sure we had something really good locked in.

And ...

And all I could come up with was

'Who's the world gonna revolve around now?'

That's kinda where I was at.

And it's ridiculous, cos this pressure to have kids,

you think- You'd expect it from your parents,

and from the-

the ticking of your biological clock,

or whatever, but-

But the main pressure is good old-fashioned

peer pressure, you know?

Like, what you got smoking for, in your teens.

Because all your mates are having kids,

and you feel like 'Oh, not part of the cool club anymore.

I should have a human too.'

And it's ridic-

Cos,

Here you are at 30, suffering peer pressure.

And it's worse than ever,

mostly, I think, because of

digital technologies.

Because all my friends had cool little digital cameras,

cos they're so cheap and accessible these days,

and they're very proud, so it takes many photos,

and they're 'Oh, look!

There's absolutly not limit to the number of photos I can take!

And I have broad-band internet, you know,

digital technology. And so, every morning,

I wake up and, there, sure enough,

attached to an e-mail, is

another 10x8-high resolution-colour

photograph of another

f***ing miracle, you know ...

And, eventually, it wears you down.

It breaks you, these photos.

You know?

And you find yourself having this ...

inevitable conversation that you thought

you'd never have. You know the one.

'What are we wainting for?' You know?

'It's never gonna be the right time.'

'It's always gonna be tough,

it's always gonna be financially difficult, but,

Why don't we just do it?

Why don't we just buy a digital camera?'

So, we did. We did, we bought one!

And, soon after, almost, it seems,

as a result, we had a child.

It's something about biology I don't understand,

but, uh ...

She's great, I've got a baby.

She's 5 months now, she's really tiny.

It seems she's, um ...

largely our responsibility.

One of the things that having a kid, um,

stops you doing is having

a lot of sex.

Initially because the toilet bits

aren't working very well.

It's very- It's quite traumatic

on the- on the-

on the, uh, toilet bits.

But, um-

I should say 'toilet bits' a few more times.

That is in general usage, isn't it ?

You do all call your genitals

your 'toilet bits', don't you ?

Don't tell me I've made a horrible faux-pas!

Turns out that only I call them my toilet bits.

Anyway!

The other reason-

The other reason you don't have sex

is just cos your focuses change.

But I wanna tell you a story because it actually happened,

unlike most of the crap that I talk about on stage.

I was away doing a few shows,

and my wife and my child were in Melbourne.

And when you're whiles away

from a child, suddenly there's sort of-

My sexual-self re-arose and I thought,

"Oh, I should- I should, you know, maybe

start a little bit of flirting with my wife,

in the hopes that when I get back to Melbourne,

we'll just hop straight back on."

You know.

So I thought- Being a poet,

I chose a text message as my ...

as my missive of choice, and I sent her

a message saying : "I love you

in a sexy way."

That'll work!

And, um, she sent me one back

almost immediatly that said:

"The baby just vomited in my mouth."

So, uh,

that was fine, you know,

I got the message,

went home and cried while I masturbated.

Speaking of sex,

as I want to do a lot at the moment,

one of the things that actually-

If you're in a really long-term relationship,

like, um, increasingly,

for me, anyway,

as I get on in this relationship,

I find myself getting more and more sexually

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