Tim Minchin: So Live Page #8

uh, paranoid.

Not with my wife,

we're totally fine,

appart from the drought.

But, um,

what I worry about,

is if I ever had to perform

sexually with another woman.

Like, with someone else.

If I had to be sexual with someone else,

like, if something happened to my marriage, like,

if my wife

died

in an accident, or something.

Sorry, that's-

I don't find that funny,

that's just my bad sense of humor.

I do understand that that's

"That should be her last words!"

Yeah! She's not borrowing my

f***ing last words, I tell you that.

If she dies in an accident,

she'll think of her own.

And, anyway, that wouldn't make sense,

because it revolves around me.

I shouldn't say that sort of stuff about my wife.

Even if she didn't die,

even if she, like,

got a degenarative disease, and

I decided that, rather than look after her myself,

I should put her in a home,

so that I could move on with my life-

These things happen, you have to plan

for them, that's all I'm saying.

And when I'm planning for this stuff,

and I consider having sex with another woman,

um, what I-

What

I get paranoid about is:

how do I know if

what I'm doing

sexually, at the moment,

um, is normal?

Cos, as far as I understand,

my wife and I have a perfectly [?] sort of

sexual relationship. But you never know,

cos we've been together for a really long time,

we might have just

sort of

just drifted,

drifted from the norm.

Just bits by bits,

so we didn't notice.

I've got this scenario,

I play out in my head, where

I'm out with a new girl, and, uh,

and we're having a great time, and

I don't know, we're at a bar or something,

we've had a few drinks, and maybe it's our third date, it

really doesn't matter. But, um,

The bar closes, and

I pluck up the courage to ask her back

to my place, and she says yes, so

we go back to my place,

and I pour some more drinks, and

put on some music, and

some lamps.

And then, obviously, we actually

end up on the couch, and

we kiss, and, uh,

a little bit on with the jumper action, uh,

it's heavy petting, and then,

passion overwhelmes us,

so we stumble to the bedroom,

tearing off each other's clothes, and

I get out the Mickey Mouse ears,

and I length the bungee rope, and

obviously, the Hungr Hungry Hippos.

And all of a sudden,

out of nowhere, she's like

What are you doing?

Huh?

I- I-

I thought we were just going to make love!

Yeah?

Why don't you just

put all that stuff away, just

for a minute, just put it down,

and come over here

and,

just touch me.

Touch you?

Before you've pissed in the hippos?

I don't know what kind of

weird sh*t you're into, lady,

but if you don't piss in the hippos,

how do you know who surfs first?

If you really loved me

the way you say you do

If you love me half

as much as I love you

You would pluck a planet from the sky

Youd use a star to dot the i

In I love you

that is what youd do

Youd take a dreary sky

and you would paint it blue

If you loved me unconditionally

These are the things

that you would do for me

Because I need you

Like a fish needs the sea

Like a fire needs oxygen

Like a flower needs a bee

And if you really cared for me

Youd let me video you while you wee

Standing up in the bath,

I shouldnt even have to ask

Perhaps youll even store a little more in a flask

These are just the things that people do

When their love for one another is true

We go together

Like a cracker and Brie

Like racism and ignorance

Like bling and R&B

But if you really want to show you care

Youd let me wear your underwear

When we visit your mum,

it's a bit of harmless fun

I just like talking about your childhood

with some lace between my buns

Theres no reason for a big to-do

If your love for one another is true

We go together

Like a bird and a nest

Like Internet and porn

Like guns and the US

And if you love me like you say you do

Youd purchase forty cockatoos

And teach them to fly

in formation in the sky

And sh*t the words Tim is God on my ex-girlfriends Hyundai

Sure, it might be easier with doves

But shirking challenges is not what love

Is all about

Love is not all wine and roses

Sometimes its handcuffs and cheese

No-one said love is for free

And if you agree with that

Youd sing passages from the Coran

wearing nothing but a Bob the Builder hat

To the tune of waltzing Matilda

I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder

builder

Yeah, Islam

nationalism

And a little-bitty builder

Yeah, I f***ing love it.

Yeah, Islam

And Bob the f***ing Builder!

Bob the f***ing Builder!

Because I need you

Like a tick needs a tock

Like bananas need pyjamas

Like a nun needs cock

And if you want to put your love for me first

You wouldnt go through childbirth

Youd agree to adopt

so that you could stay thin

Well get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin

And communists dont make as much noise

And theyre really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you

Like an Aussie digs pies

Like Born-Agains dig Jesus

Like Jesus dug guys

And if you love me just a modicum

You'd [?] of my perineum

Stick a finger up my bum

As I'm about to come

I've heard it's quite acceptable

and reasonably fun

Not that I'm saying that I want you to

But, hypothetically, it's something you might do

If you loved me unconditionally

Like letting me video you

while you wee

Assuming theres nothing worth watching on TV

I'll tell you, um,

uh, Palestine, eh?

Things are really bad up there.

The Muslim and the Jewish people

don't seem to get along very well in

Israel and Palestine.

It's the craziness of the circular

nature of the violence,

like, every act of violence

is just revenge

for a previous act, and in turn

we get another act, and, uh ...

And it's hard to imagine how

there's ever gonna be a lasting peace

in the region, you know,

because

of the circular, the self-

perpetuating nature of the violence, and

I was thinking about this the

other day, and I thought

Maybe- maybe the solution's

not gonna be

one of these huge solutions that, sort of

[?] in the papers each day,

and maybe it won't a military intervention or ...

-god forbid- or a geographical thing,

or a diplomatic solution.

But maybe- maybe what

it's gonna be is,

like, a seed.

Like maybe, maybe

peace has to come

from a peace-seed.

That's, like-

Someone plants in the region,

and it grows

into a,

like a

tree of peace.

With branches that

reach out over the whole

region, over both

Israel and Palestine,

shadowing it with its peace

branches.

It's a metaphor!

Anyway, I was thinking about this.

I was thinking about this,and I thought : Maybe!

Maybe this seed, like, maybe,

all they need is a really good peace-anthem.

So I've taken the liberty

of penning a little something, and, uh,

and I thought it would be wise to

bouce it off a relatively impartial crowd,

here, in my home country,

before I actually pop over there,

and start basking

on the Gaza strip.

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