Tiny Furniture Page #2

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- It's the Nietschian Cowboy, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He's the same guy who does

the Skeptical Gynecologist videos.

- Yeah, you've seen those?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. You think they're funny?

- I do think they're funny.

- He's a little bit famous.

- Yeah, I guess so...

in, like, an Internet kind of way.

But we met at this comedy show.

It was really lame,

and he really liked my monologue.

Oh, my God.

Are you so sad

about your boyfriend?

I am really sad.

It's been a really hard few weeks.

I always knew he was

gonna have to take this journey...

but I just didn't expect

it was gonna be so soon.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- And then, like -

Okay.

Hi.

Jed, this is my so-special friend, Aura.

Hello, so-special friend Aura.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

I'm actually a big fan

of your work on the YouTube.

Aw shucks.

I, um, actually thought

you lived in Chicago -

maybe because your MySpace profile

says you live in Chicago.

I do live in Chicago.

I'm here on business.

- Oh, cool. What kind of business?

- Top-secret business.

- Government stuff.

- Hmm.

- Aura does really cool videos too.

- Oh, cool.

I thought you told me there was

gonna be some grinding at this party -

like, straight-up,

eighth-grade-style grinding.

Oh, no.

I meant eighth-grade-style crying.

- Oh, "crying. "

- We're all gonna cry together.

- I see. My mistake.

- So how long are you in town for?

- Uh, I'm in town for roughly -

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my f***ing God.

Charlotte.

Oh, my God. Charlotte.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry I slapped you.

I'm just so overwhelmed.

Aura! Aura!

- Are you here? Are you here?

- I'm here.

I know Ashlynn, so, yeah, I'm here.

This girl has been

my best friend since I'm one.

- Since I'm... less. Zero.

- It's true.

Our moms used to rub their stomachs

together when they were pregnant with us.

They were the best friends ever...

until my mom

got into Landmark Forum...

and Tony Robbins and ran off to Wyoming

and opened a really dumb...

bed-and-breakfast.

And it's certainly sad.

Now they only speak once a year.

So, how's college in Ontario?

Ohio. I was in college in Ohio.

That's really great.

But, um, you have to come with me.

You have to come with me now.

And we have to talk.

I am so sorry.

I, like, hardly know her.

I met her at this weird

fashion party last week.

She's totally crazy,

but in a really fun way.

- Is her accent real?

- Yeah, I think so.

Her dad's British.

She went to fifth grade there.

Oh.

Well, you should totally stay.

Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like I should go with her.

I've been avoiding her

for, like, five years.

Yeah, I can see why. Yeah.

Anyway, thank you

so much for having me.

Oh, no problem.

You should say good-bye to Jed, though.

- Okay.

- Yeah. I think he really likes you.

Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey, how's it goin'?

It's okay. I'm takin' off.

- Takin' off already?

- Yeah, you saw my friend.

- She really wants me to leave with her.

- Okay.

How much longer are you in town?

I'm in New York

for another almost two weeks.

Well, I'm sure you're very busy...

but if you need a native to show

you around, I'd be glad to do it.

You should give me your number.

Okay.

Taxi!

I leave my lights on when I'm gone.

For fun.

- And you live here alone?

- I do.

And you live with Siri.

How is she?

She's good, I think. She's working a lot.

Big retrospective next year.

She's not really dating or anything,

but I think she's happy.

- And then there's Nadine.

- Oh, who I saw.

On the street.

And who is so tall.

You're lucky to have them -

Siri and Nadine.

I feel like a f***ing orphan.

I'm gonna smoke.

I'm gonna smoke pot.

- Do you smoke?

- I could.

Okay, full disclosure:

I was in a rehab in 2007.

But it wasn't for this.

It was for, like...

a blow situation

that I since cleared up.

- Do you drink?

- Yeah. No.

No, I, um -

Only kombucha, you know?

And some red wine.

But that's good for you.

But I don't think we need to talk

about all our issues, you know?

Can't we just start again

as new friends, you know?

Who... Who were old friends,

you know?

- Yeah, like new friends who share

a lot of old memories. - Exactly.

Exactly.

It's kind of like that book

The Giver, you know...

where the, um...

that kid stores everyone's emotions,

that guy?

No, it's not like that at all.

Here.

Thank you.

Well, I want to know about you.

What do you do?

What do you love to do?

Uh... well, I studied film theory...

which I guess I liked.

And then this past summer

I was an assistant...

to a documentary film professor,

like, doing research and stuff.

Sounds like fun.

It wasn't really that fun.

Ooh!

- This is so funny.

- You think so?

I think it's so stupid.

It's just, like, me in a bikini...

in a campus fountain

while my ex-boyfriend watches.

I f***ing love it.

Look how many views it's got.

It's got all these comments as well.

"Ahoy, mateys. Whales ahead. "

"What a blubber factory. "

"Put on some pants

or a burlap sack. "

Oh.

"No, her stomach isn't huge.

It's just that her b*obs are really small.

It's an optical illusion. "

Oh, you can't possibly

take these seriously, Aura.

I do sometimes.

I kind of want to take this

off-line anyway.

I think you're a genius.

You should be on Saturday Night Live.

Or maybe something

more early Yoko Ono...

where you're just moving through a gallery

and everyone's watching you.

No way.

The art world's my mom's racket.

I don't know what I'll be.

Is Siri making you get a job?

She's not making me.

I mean, I probably should.

My psycho-pharm says

there's no such thing as "should. "

Plus, no one's even financially

independent until they're at least 25.

Or even 30.

What do you think you'll do?

I have no idea what I'm qualified for.

I worked at this place

around the corner called Clandestino.

It's, like, sort of

a dinner bistro kind of thing.

- You were a waitress or -

- No, I was a hostess.

It's the easiest job ever.

You just have to look nice and greet people,

and then old guys send you drinks.

You're so charming. You could do it.

And I know they're hiring.

Just go round there tomorrow

and say you know me.

- I have no experience.

- It's absolutely fine.

On my resume, under "skills"

I put "Has a land line. "

That's amazing.

Thank you.

I mean, being my guardian angel.

Oh, sleep over, please.

I can't. I live so close by.

I just gotta go home.

Really good to see you, though.

You have to promise to call me.

I'll call you this week.

- Good night.

- Oh, Aura, don't go!

Please don't go!

- What are you doing Saturday?

- A practice test.

I never took one of those,

and I came out with a cool score of 1,000.

Listen, not to be rude,

but your bath products...

are sort of scattered

all over the bathroom...

so if you could maybe

keep them on one shelf?

And there's also some hair in the sink

that's definitely not mine.

So if you could do something with that,

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