Tiny Furniture Page #3

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and scoop the kitty litter...

that'd be really great.

Deep scoops.

Hello, sir.

Can I seat you for dinner?

You know, it's just

answering the phone, taking deliveries...

you know,

writing down reservations.

You'd be up here a lot by yourself.

The boys will be down in the kitchen.

Um, the wait staff gets in

at around 5:
30...

so it's not the most social job.

I'm a video maker,

so my schedule is very flexible.

- I make my own schedule.

- Okay, so when can you start?

Uh, tomorrow. Now.

Let me go downstairs and check.

I think we could start you,

like, next Friday?

I really appreciate it.

I haven't done this before...

but I'm a very fast learner

and I'm very enthusiastic.

Well, no need to be that enthusiastic.

I mean, do you want to know

what it pays?

- I'm sorry. I forgot to ask.

- Yeah, it's $11 an hour to start...

and you can't expect tips because,

you know, you're a day hostess, so -

- I was not expecting any tips.

- Okay, good.

Well, so I'll be right back.

- Hi.

- Hey.

I'm the new hostess - day hostess.

And just so you know,

I'm not working right now...

and I wasn't sleeping,

if you saw me before.

Probably a great thing to do

is to just be hired...

and then rest your head

on the counter.

Yeah, probably not the best way

to make a first impression.

- Do you work here?

- I do.

- Are you a waiter?

- I'm a chef.

Oh, like, the chef?

I'm a chef.

- Look who I found!

- Oh, my God. Hi.

I got the job.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no problem.

Julia's nice, right?

Yeah, she's really nice, although

I made a complete fool of myself...

in front of a really hot guy.

Not one of the Mexicans?

No, like, blond and kind of

American Psycho-y looking.

Oh yeah, Keith.

He is hot, right?

He's the sous chef,

although it's a shame about that fedora.

- And he's got a really filthy mouth.

- Really?

Yeah. One time, though, I saw him

sitting on a crate of onions...

reading Austerlitz,

so he's weirdly literary.

Oh, whoa.

Hey, do you want to go to the Odeon

and order everything on the menu?

I would love to.

It sounds so tempting, but I can't.

If it's a money thing, I have my dad's

credit card, and I've been using it all week.

I mean, he told me

I have baggy under-eyes.

You have beautiful under-eyes,

but I can't.

God, in high school you were always

the "I have to go home" girl.

Are you still

the "I have to go home" girl?

I'm trying not to be,

but I have to go home, okay?

I'll see you soon.

Now you need to take grape...

and mix it with peanut butter,

and then it's like you're eating a PB and J.

- Good idea.

- Actually, there's no peanut butter here.

- That one?

- No, no, that's not peanut butter.

- Yeah.

- No, it's not.

- Mm.

- Try that one.

- It's peach. It's peach.

- Maybe they don't have it.

That's so weird. I always think

of it as, like, a classic flavor.

It's classic, but not in this box.

Uh, hmm.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hi. What's up?

- Guess who got a job?

- Who?

- Me.

I'm a hostess at Clandestino,

right around the corner.

What does that entail, though?

I don't know. Like, answering

the phone, taking reservations.

You're great on the phone.

- What are you up to?

- Tell her, Deeny.

What -

You can - you can do it.

Nadine got the biggest prize

you could get in the United States.

- Tell her.

- No -

It's for poetry,

and it's not the entire United States.

The biggest high school award...

in poetry in the United States.

Whoa. Amazing.

I didn't even know you wrote poetry.

No, I don't, I don't.

Poetry's a very stupid thing to be good at.

I mean, poems

are basically like dreams -

something that everybody

likes to tell other people...

but nobody actually cares about

when it's not their own.

Which is why poetry's a failure

of an intellectual community.

You have to hear this poem.

It's complicated, subtle...

very un-high school.

"I know that you like to look at me...

since sometimes,

in the middle of the night...

I see you watching me.

Well, I don't see you...

but I see your shadow

moving back and forth...

in the square of yellow light

that is your window...

not like you're going somewhere...

but like you're moving to move. "

That's really beautiful.

Whenever I write a poem, I feel like...

someone with all these, like, feelings.

It's not too poem-y, which I like.

I feel like every time

I wrote a poem in college...

it was completely about virginity loss.

And I would also read it

in this horrible voice, like...

"This is my slam poetry voice. "

- But you liked it?

- Yeah, I love your poem.

And I feel like you're now a complete

shoe-in for every university.

You do everything.

You just won this massive prize.

I don't know. You're totally willing to

give admission officers BJs. There's that.

Ew. That's disgusting.

Can I ask you something?

I want to say yes...

but usually when you ask me

if you could ask me something...

it's not something

I want to be asked, so -

Have you lost your virginity yet?

I think you would probably know

the answer to that question.

Is that really something

you need to ask me?

I don't know if I would know

the answer to that question.

- You don't tell me everything.

- I think you would know.

I don't know.

Have you ever had an orgasm?

I'm not answering a question

like that! That's -

If you keep asking me

things like that...

I'm just gonna leave this bathroom

and leave you to your shaving.

There is no reason for you

to shriek at me right now.

Yeah, there is, because I'm not

so over-share-y like you.

Like, I'm not just gonna go down

into Mom's studio and be like...

"Mom, Candice, like,

my heart is so broken...

and my vagina hurts so much!"

Whatcha doin' in my closet, kiddo?

Uh...

I'm looking for new shoes.

I hate all my shoes.

And I think I'm going

on a date tomorrow.

With whom?

This guy Jed.

He makes comedy videos.

Is he nice?

I'm not sure yet.

But we are going

to a French movie.

Mm.

Can I show you a video of him

and see if you think it's funny?

Please give this to me.

Did you Google "cupcakes"?

I reject your Platonicism.

More than that, I reject

your whole way of life, partner.

This town ain't big enough

for Christianity and egalitarianism.

Insanity in individuals is quite rare...

but in groups, parties, nations,

and epochs, it is a rule.

I'm crazier than an epoch,

and I'm riding my horse right at ya.

See, it's highbrow,

but it's very witty, I think.

It's witty, but it's kinda goofy.

It's not very mature, but every time I come

into your room, I want to sleep in your bed.

Well, you can sleep here if I'm here.

You just can't sleep here if I'm not here.

So when you and Nadine are visiting colleges

next week, I can't sleep in here?

- That is correct.

- What's the difference?

You need to be invited.

I have to invite you to come in.

Like a vampire?

Coming.

- Aura?

- Oh, hey, Noelle.

Oh, I had no idea

that you were home.

Are you on some kind of a break?

Fall break?

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