Tiny Furniture Page #4

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- I graduated.

- Oh, Jesus. Already?

And what about

your boyfriend, um, Noah?

Owen. We broke up.

Oh, no!

He was so sweet.

Do you remember, Jacob?

You liked him so much at that party,

at the New Year's party.

Yeah, he moved back to Colorado.

Uh, something

about having to build a shrine...

to his ancestors out of a dying tree.

- Are you looking for my mom?

- No. Actually, I'm looking for Nadine.

Sometimes she watches Jacob,

you know, in a pinch.

Sorry. We love Nadine, right?

Yes? Is Nadine around?

She's out somewhere.

But, um, I could watch Jacob

if you needed.

I'm sure you're busy.

- I have a little time.

- That would be great.

Just...

Maybe just put on some pants.

Okay.

Do you need my help?

Uh, nope.

Do you want to see my hamster?

Uh...

definitely N-O.

What do you think

I should wear on my date tonight?

A tube top.

- Oh, hey. What's up?

- How's it goin'?

- It's good. How are you?

- I'm doin' all right.

- Sorry I'm late.

- No, don't worry about it.

I'm staying on my friend's couch, and

right when I was getting ready to leave...

he and his girlfriend

got into this huge, f***in'...

heroic, epic argument

right at the front door.

- Oh, no.

- I was locked in by a wall of aggression.

- That sounds really stressful.

- Yeah, it was really stressful.

It was. I went to an ATM

around the corner just now...

- and the machine told me to go f*** myself.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- In those words?

In those exact words, saying,

"I have not a penny for you. "

I'm in deep financial constraints.

So, what do you -

you want to go -

I was thinking, you know,

I'm already late, I'm already broke -

So maybe we should just

skip the movie?

Which is actually fine, because my horrible

secret is that I hate foreign films.

Interesting. I think a lot of people

nurture that horrible secret.

Well, let's see.

Are you hungry?

Thirsty?

Were you here when

I was talking about how broke I was?

Were you around for that section?

So what do people with no money do?

They -

They loiter at libraries.

They wear plastic bags

for shoes and hats.

- Mm-hmm.

- They go to the park.

- They do a lot of park sitting.

- We could go to the park.

We could. It's nippy.

It's a bit nippy.

Do you know that Gilda Radner Way

is right there?

- I did know that.

- I never knew that.

Yep. I've actually always wanted

to establish a headquarters there.

- A headquarters?

- Mm-hmm.

Interesting. One of many headquarters.

One of a constellation.

- I'm gonna start a bunch of headquarters.

- Interesting. Cool.

I live, like, four blocks from here, and

my mom and sister are gone for the week.

- That's great.

- We could have tea.

- Sounds like an indoor park.

- It's nice.

So, yeah. I don't have

any beer or anything, but -

- It'll do. Let's do it.

- Okay. It's this way.

- That way? Great.

- Awesome.

Before you got here,

someone offered me marijuana.

Did they offer it to you too?

So, yeah, this is my mom's studio.

Mm. It's nice.

It's big. It's huge.

- Pretty big.

- What does she do?

- She's an artist.

- Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

- What kind?

- Photos, mostly.

- Photos of really small things.

- Yeah, for the most part.

- These are miniatures, right?

- Mm-hmm.

That's cool.

- And she's successful?

- Yeah, she's pretty successful.

We live upstairs, but I just came

down here to feed my hamster...

- whose name is actually Gilda.

- A hamster?

- Yeah.

- Old-school.

Yeah.

Look. Check her out.

She's so cute.

She's asleep in her food bowl.

Ah.

I don't want to be a downer, but that -

I'm pretty sure this animal is dead.

No way. She's just asleep

on her side, really comfortable.

See how she's not moving

when you do that?

Look at her eyes.

She's definitely - She's gone.

She's passed.

Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry.

- Okay.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think that she is dead.

- Okay.

- I wouldn't - Yeah.

Are you sure I can just

put her in the freezer?

Mm-hmm. I'm positive.

Just make sure that bag

is tightly sealed.

I'm so sorry.

What a weird introduction to my house.

It's okay.

It's a beautiful house.

- It's gorgeous. Huge.

- It's not mine, obviously.

I've actually only been back here

for, like, two weeks.

I was in college in Ohio,

and I stayed there for the summer.

And so now I'm planning to move out,

but I needed to get a job first...

and now I'm starting

a new job tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Wow. Cool.

Doin' what?

- I'm a hostess.

- A hostess? Interesting.

At this place just around the corner

called Clandestino.

It's closed during the day,

so basically my job is just to...

take reservations, make sure

nothing disastrous happens.

And they call that being a hostess?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's generous.

- What kind of tea do you want?

- I want some good tea.

Okay. I have...

Sleepytime,

I have China Green Tips...

Mexican Sweet Chili, and, uh...

Smooth Move herbal stimulant

laxative tea, which is not mine.

Can I still have it, the laxative one?

- What kind of business are you here on?

- I'm here for the laxative tea.

No, I mean

why are you in New York?

I'm in New York to develop

some television show ideas.

Oh, cool. For what network?

Well, uh, we met with HBO last week...

and Comedy Central

has expressed some interest.

So basically, now the agent's sort of

shopping around to a few different places...

and seeing where

it might be the best fit.

- You have an agent. Whoa.

- Mm-hmm.

Big-time whoa.

Where are you staying in the city?

I am staying in hell.

Perhaps you've heard of it.

They call it Bushwick.

A studio space in Bushwick.

But, uh, it's pretty close to hell.

You know, I don't know

if this is a weird offer...

but my mom and sister

are gone for the entire week.

They're visiting colleges.

And so I have the whole place to myself.

Frankly, I feel greedy

keeping it that way.

You could totally crash here

if you wanted to.

Is that a genuine offer?

Hello?

- Jed?

- I'm in here.

Is this a good spot?

Yeah, it's fine.

- This is my mom's room.

- Okay.

Can I get you anything?

I found a towel in there,

so we're all good.

Okay.

I have to be up for work at 8:00.

Do you have to be up at any specific time?

Hmm-mm. I do not.

Okay, then.

I guess I'll just let you get to sleep.

Great. Good night.

- Good night.

- Sweet dreams.

Yeah, you too.

How many on the books tonight?

Um -

How many? On the books?

Reservations?

Oh! I can absolutely

look at that for you.

Hold on. One, two -

I guess you like to know

what to prepare for.

Yep.

What time do you usually come in?

Uh, depends.

This morning I took my time.

Did some readin'

in a pretty good book.

- Oh, yeah? What book?

- The Road. Cormac McCarthy.

Mm. That's a favorite of Oprah's.

That is a relief.

- Nah, it's pretty compelling.

- Yeah?

- This your first day?

- Mm-hmm.

They, uh, just showed me

the phones and left, so -

Good afternoon.

Clandestino.

- They hung up.

- Nice work.

I'm totally useless.

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