Tiny Furniture Page #5

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Look, pretty much all you need

to know is that these guys...

are the laziest

f***in' guys in the world.

Your job mostly consists of

making sure they're not sleeping...

or molesting you.

- Come on.

- I'm serious.

They touch inappropriately...

and they do not do what they're told.

Hey, Sayeed.

Hey, Sayeed,

could you set table five?

See? Worthless.

Nice earrings, by the way.

Thanks.

- Ah!

- Oh, come on.

- It doesn't really hurt.

- It does hurt.

You sure this a bow?

It feels really weird and un-bowlike.

Trust me.

You're gonna love it.

What was college like?

I don't know.

It was funny.

I felt so sure that I'd found

the best friends I would ever have.

Just, like, these nice, open girls...

who were interested

in music and art and baking.

- Baking?

- Yeah.

They would be sort of, like, serious

and buttoned-up during the day...

and then at night, to really get crazy,

they would have these hobbies like baking...

or for a while they were

really into miniature furniture...

like building little 1950s dinette sets

out of balsa wood.

Were you into that?

Building little...

wooden dinette sets?

I was into all of it, but then

I realized that there was sort of...

a way that they didn't totally get it.

Like your jokes?

Oh, they got jokes. Frankie definitely

gets jokes. You're gonna meet Frankie.

She's finishing up some research,

but she's gonna move here...

and I think we're getting

an apartment together.

Oh yeah? Where?

In, like, Fort Greene or Bed-Stuy?

I know. It's hard

to imagine leaving Tribeca.

It's very convenient.

You know,

the thing about your friends -

they weren't a**holes, were they?

No, not at all.

See? That's the problem.

Our people are a**holes.

- Our moms are a**holes.

- You think my mom's an a**hole?

Yeah.

She's too successful not to be.

Did you invite someone over?

What a day.

Big day today. Long day.

What have you guys been up to?

I had this meeting in midtown today.

It went so well...

the guy sent me to

this other guy in SoHo...

but I didn't have a MetroCard,

so when I told the guy in midtown -

- Who are you?

- Who am I?

You remember Jed.

We met him at Ashlynn's party.

Oh. You're not the guy

who makes those videos...

where you act like an imbecile...

against a badly painted scrim, are you?

- That is I.

- Oh, I don't like you.

You have this sort of DIY aspect.

- Charlotte!

- The lady can speak her mind.

It's okay.

Are you guys hungry?

- Not hungry.

- We just ate a little while ago.

You ate. Recently, or -

Are you hungry, or -

- I am hungry.

- Well, then, you should get some food.

Well, maybe if I had more money

in my bank account, I would get some food.

You don't have to pay for food.

We have so much frozen stuff here...

including my dead hamster.

Do you have any wine?

I don't think so.

Let me check, but I don't think so.

Okay, there's a bunch of red here, but this

is my mom's. I feel like we shouldn't take it.

Oh, come on. There's so much.

She won't miss a bottle.

Do you have a cork pull-y thingy?

Uh, your mom's room,

it gets a little, um, cold at night.

Yeah, I think there's

a little bit of a draft.

Yeah, there's a pretty big draft.

It's noticeable.

It's annoying.

I'm gonna take your sister's room.

Okay.

Listen, if you're lonely, you can come

with me back to my house...

and we could just take an Ambien

and watch Picnic at Hanging Rock...

or, like, Christiane F. Or something.

I know, but he's here and -

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Love you.

We don't have anything at 8:00.

No, we have something around 8:00.

Around eight means 7:45 or 8:30.

Yeah.

8:
45 we could do.

That would work well.

Mm-hmm.

That's a party of four?

Three? Okay.

Thank you. Yeah.

Have a lovely day.

Who makes reservations

at a restaurant? I would never do that.

Parenthetically, I just told that customer

that our house red has grape-y undertones.

I really like your chef outfit.

Thank you.

So how are - how are things?

Um, I'm really tired.

I took three Klonopin and woke up

next to a spoonful of peanut butter.

- You like pills?

- Yeah.

- You?

- Love.

What can you get for me?

I personally don't have

any prescriptions...

but my friend Charlotte

has an extremely generous doctor.

Well, if you could

get me some Vicodin...

I would be forever grateful.

It's like -

It's like lying naked

on a bearskin rug next to a fire.

Nice.

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I just...

I got this e-mail from this...

terrible girl I used to know.

Like a girlfriend-type terrible girl?

No, it's this girl I met

at this, um, coffee shop...

this, like, horrible trendy coffee shop

in, um, Wicker Park.

And, uh, she had seen a few

of my videos and was just, you know...

she was just on my jock,

like, really bad.

On your jock?

She was just pushing,

you know, like, hard.

Hmm. So did you, like,

date her or -

Uh, no. The thing about her is, like,

she was just really, like -

She was extremely forthcoming

with the blowies.

- Like, crazily so.

- Whoa.

Yeah, like really, really, really into it.

Like, it got to the point that we weren't

even, like, talking or making out.

It was just like, "hello"

and, like, straight to blowie.

- That seems like it's not -

- It was fine. It was fine.

But it - You know, you also have

to live your life, and it was taking over.

The only time I'd get stuff done were in

the 15 minutes it would take for me...

to reconstitute my boner.

Otherwise, like, my life

was just overrun by this.

- Gross.

- Yeah.

- So I had to walk away eventually.

Eventually. - That must have been hard.

Mm. Yeah.

No pun intended.

Can you handle that?

Hey.

What's goin' on downstairs?

Same sh*t, different day.

Those guys are such

f***in' dirtbags, man.

I'm just sitting there,

tryin' to read my book...

and they're all crowded around watching

Cum Omelet on somebody's iPhone.

- What is Cum Omelet?

- A porn video.

- What happens in it?

- Pretty self-explanatory.

A bunch of dudes come,

cook it in an omelet.

- Then what?

- Some chick has to eat it.

Ugh.

And you're into that?

No.

Not a porn guy?

I wouldn't say that.

It's just, uh...

I'm into different stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Like some Japanese sh*t.

Like, uh...

you ever see anything

with tentacle rape?

What is tentacle rape?

Tentacle rape.

It's good. It's worth a Google.

You should check it out.

What do you like to watch?

Reruns of Seinfeld.

- Porn-wise.

- Nothing.

- Yeah, right.

- I don't.

In high school my friend Charlotte

used to drag me to Waldenbooks...

and make me look at this thing

called Sensual Abductions...

which is, like, stories about women

being kidnapped and ravaged and -

That turn you on?

None of your business.

I'm hungry.

I'm sure some of the guys downstairs

would be happy to make you an omelet.

You have two unheard messages.

Aura, it's Mom.

Just a reminder that the recycling

can't sit in the basement all weekend.

Please, please help me out.

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