To the Bone Page #7

The first spanking, when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

When they called you 'crybaby'

or 'poor' or 'fatty' or 'crazy'...

and made you into an alien...

you drank their acid

and you concealed it."

"Later, if you faced

the death of bombs and bullets...

you did not do it with a banner.

You did it with only a hat

to cover your heart.

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing."

So, Megan did decide to go home.

Anybody wanna talk about that?

It's her fault. She was purging.

I think Megan wanted her baby.

I really think she did.

- We shouldn't have had the shower.

- No, I don't think it was that.

Eli, you and Luke found her.

That must have been hard.

That baby was never gonna make it.

- Where is Luke, anyway?

- He's at the doctor for his knee.

Eli?

Eli.

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

Lobo tells me you're about a day away

from getting the tube.

You've been making progress,

but you can't stay at Threshold

if you drop any more weight.

I just think it's so weird

that you know everything about me...

and I don't know anything about you.

Okay, what do you wanna know?

- Do you have a wife?

- No.

- Do you have kids?

- No.

So, what's your damage?

Short version, my work.

It takes up all my time,

and I... I like it that way.

Women generally wanna spend time

with somebody they date.

Sounds like

you're avoiding intimacy, doctor.

Yeah, I guess it does.

Lobo also tells me

that you and Luke aren't speaking.

It seemed like you and Luke

had something good going.

Whatever. He's totally gay.

That would be easier, right?

Then you could write him off.

- Does he talk to you about me?

- You know I can't answer that.

- I just don't see the point.

- In what?

There is no point.

Or at least, big picture,

we don't get to know what it is.

Why we live, why Megan lost the baby,

why that girl killed herself.

- You're not reassuring me, doctor.

- I can't reassure you.

This idea you have

that there's a way to be safe...

it's childish and cowardly.

It stops you from experiencing anything,

including anything good.

You don't think I feel bad enough already?

I know I'm messed up...

but you're supposed to teach me

how not to be.

You know how.

Stop waiting for life to be easy.

Stop hoping for somebody to save you.

You don't need

another person lying to you.

Things don't all add up.

But you're resilient.

Face some hard facts

and you could have an incredible life.

That's your pearl of wisdom?

Grow a pair?

That's a more concise way

of putting it. Yeah.

Unbelievable.

F*** you.

- What's going on?

- Beck's messed up, you know that?

We all buy the hype,

but nobody here is getting any better.

- That's not true.

- Yeah? Megan's screwed.

Anna has a treasure chest of puke

under her bed.

You live in f***ing Ponyland.

I'm about to get the tube,

and he doesn't even care.

Sh*t.

I need another surgery. That's it for me

and the illustrious Jersey Ballet.

Seriously?

Yeah. Come on, put your bag down.

Let's go get another cancer beer.

I can't. Sorry. I'm actually out of here.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm finished. And you're leaving?

I can't.

What, you think I didn't guess

my knee was f***ed?

And now that I'm done

doing the one thing that makes me feel,

you're my next thing.

I know that that's not a plan.

It's not a good one, anyway.

But I need you... Eli.

Okay. Thank you. Bye.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

There is no point.

That girl killed herself.

You look like a ghost.

If you die...

I will kill you.

You okay, honey?

I... I just got up too fast. Sorry.

You need to eat, girl.

I'm fine. But thank you.

I just need to get home.

What kind of place is this,

where your patients can just walk off

like that and nobody stops her?

The problem with treatment

for some of these kids...

is that we won't let them hit bottom.

It's too hard to watch.

But for Eli, the bottom is critical.

How is there even less of you?

What did that doctor do to you?

Hi, Mom.

- Is this all you've got?

- Yeah.

All right.

Well, everybody's waiting for you.

- "Everybody"?

- Horses. They're very sweet beasts.

Olive and I were worried that it wasn't

gonna work out with that doctor.

- Well, he had such an attitude.

- Oh, God complex.

- Totally dismissive.

- And Susan...

- I mean, he really let her attack us.

- He just wanted everybody to be honest.

I don't like to speak negatively,

but that woman's never said an honest word

in her life.

Of course, your father doesn't go home.

Can you imagine?

She fought really hard to get me

into Threshold House.

Yeah, look how well that turned out.

And how about the way she talked

about your mother's breakdowns?

They were transformational for me.

Everybody should have more breakdowns.

You didn't feel that way about them

when they happened.

Dr. Beckham called here earlier.

He thought you might turn up.

- He did? What did you say?

- Well, that you'd decided to leave.

He wanted to make sure you were okay.

A boy wanted to speak with you. Luke?

Is this somebody special?

I don't know. He...

He's my friend, kind of...

It all got f***ed up.

In the morning,

Olive would like you to work with Freya.

The horse?

Olive has grown tremendously out here.

You'll thank me.

But isn't that kind of like a conflict?

Her giving me therapy?

Freya does all the work.

I'm just a conduit.

- Oh.

- Yeah, she's just a conduit.

There's no electricity, but I think...

It's not so cold. You'll be okay.

- You're gonna sleep, anyway.

- Yeah, I'm tired.

There's a bedpan here.

So, if you need it...

It's better than stumbling around

in the dark.

Okay.

- People pay money to stay here?

- It's rustic. They love it.

- Ellen...

- "Eli."

You know, "Ellen" was

your great-grandmother's name.

I bet she didn't like it either.

You know, I... had a premonition

before you came.

- Really?

- You were a baby.

I didn't hold you enough.

I didn't bond with you.

And, of course, that's true.

I didn't know about postpartum depression.

- I don't think that's it.

- Well, anyway...

I spoke to Jean Williamson about it.

Do you remember her?

- The pastor?

- No, she wrote The Pure Way of Light.

She's very interested in Olive's work

and has been... a great comfort to me

around your illness.

And she...

feels that it would be healing

for the both of us

if you allowed me to feed you.

- It's rice milk. I made it myself.

- Like a baby?

Well, like a mother and a child.

I could hold you and rock you,

and you could go to sleep.

Uh, I don't know.

No, I know. I know it's odd.

But...

Well, as she said it, I felt real clarity

that that's what we need.

Can I think about it?

Yeah, okay.

There's, uh...

not much left of you to lose.

You know that?

- Dr. Beckham made that clear.

- I know.

Hmm.

He said it's your choice,

whether you come back or not.

But I could tell that he was afraid

that you're gonna die.

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