Toilet Stories Page #3

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Our healthcare policies are scandalous.

I don't understand politics at all.

- Who does nowadays?

My Willi was interested in politics before

it became too much for his blood pressure.

Is it really necessary for male politicians

to bring their boyfriends on state visits?

That's how the world is these days,

Mrs. Schohusen.

It's terrible in those nursing homes.

What do you mean?

Just what kind of men do you think

are drawn to this female profession?

God!

That's how it is nowadays.

But nurses in general are paid so little,

you're lucky if they even speak German.

Willi already had a stroke

because of that minaret and everything.

The doctor said

the fat was mostly to blame.

I'm a good cook.

You have to believe me.

Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.

Even so,

Willi still has six weeks here at home.

That counts, too.

He should be comfortable on the toilet.

We can do that with a cheap model.

That'd be lovely.

I know how much those homes cost.

If I knew Willi was moving out soon,

I would've never suggested the Washlet-G.

You'd only do that if you didn't want

strangers taking care of him.

I don't want that.

- I know. I know,

Mrs. Schohusen.

I'll cross my fingers

they let you keep the house a bit longer,

considering all the costs you'll soon have.

We still have our savings, Mr. Tapken.

If you help us,

Willi might not have to go at all.

First, an enema.

Bring me some muesli bars, please.

Ludmilla? A coffee for me.

Three tablespoons of sugar and no milk,

if you'd be so kind. - Sure, doctor.

We'll place the urine in your intestine.

First, we need to flush it out to ensure

it won't be expelled by a bowel movement.

That'll also prevent

E.coli bacteria from contaminating...

the sample.

They check for that too?

Count on it.

Don't underestimate our enemy.

I suggest

you go and kneel by the toilet.

The enema can work fast.

OK, Doc.

Pants down?

After your little refreshment, gentlemen,

please allow me to introduce myself.

They call me, "Le Dude."

A "stage name," if you will,

that they gave lo me in Algeria.

Lgion d'honneur.

Foreign legion.

That was long ago.

I'll kill you, man.

- Not likely.

Since only one of you, only one,

will be leaving this room alive today.

I prefer to work with

objects from everyday life.

Commodities

that can be purchased

in any ordinary supermarket.

Commodities that can be found

in this ordinary bag, for example.

Which you so carelessly threw

into the corner earlier.

Shut your mouth, Nazi!

Let me be clear:

I have no prejudices,

neither religious, social, nor any other.

I treat every person with their all due...

respect.

- What kind of old motherf***er are you?

F***ing bastard.

Bastard.

F***, man.

Gentlemen,

I'm now going to strip your feet.

I must say, messieurs: You've got talent.

You're as ruthless

as you are consistent.

Nevertheless,

today I'll be conveying to you

that our common inclinations

and a certain degree of style and class

need not be mutually exclusive.

No.

We now need silence, gentlemen.

Absolute silence.

Silence, s'il vous plat.

You're about to enjoy

a sample from my area of special expertise.

An amuse-gueule,

so to speak.

I apologize in advance

for the smell of burning flesh.

If you're not used to it,

the smell can be slightly nauseating.

He still sends you text messages?

Constantin? Why would he?

Reiner.

Oh, him.

I must've made an impression on him.

But tell me,

what actually brings you

to this charity auction?

I like a photo by Sophie Calle

that's on auction.

Really?

Maybe you can get it cheap.

Our Kadinsky only went for 200,000.

I mean it's for a good cause, right?

Despite the press,

I think it's good you came.

That's in the paper?

Strange.

Michi and I agreed

not to let that news spread.

What do you mean?

The pregnancy. What else?

You're pregnant?

I though you knew.

From the newspaper?

No, I didn't know that.

I should actually read Michi the riot act,

but because he's wanted a child for so long,

it's understandable.

Well, at least I'm prepared

for the paparazzi out there now.

It gets better though.

Michi proposed to me.

Congratulations. You'd wanted that.

In front of his Japanese business friends.

Can you imagine? Incredibly sweet.

Listen:

Entre was Kobe beef carpaccio.

Their legs are broken at birth

so they can't go hurting themselves.

Suddenly, Michi stood up

and festively clinked his wine glass.

Everyone stopped eating, of course.

He looked around sternly,

and asked me to be his wife.

Can you imagine all the Japanese faces?

They must've thought Michi would sign a deal.

It was so romantic.

And the dinner?

You could buy a small car for that price.

Excuse me, can't you see

we're having a conversation?

Yes, you. Can't you do that later?

Bye.

Sweetie,

you know what I just realized?

You have to be my maid of honor.

Me?

- I can picture it.

What a night it'll be.

You and Constantin at our table.

Constantin and I are over.

- Over?

You mean...?

Did he walk out on you?

Sweetie, come here.

Don't worry. Everyone knew

Constantin doesn't miss a trick.

Cosmetic improvements alone

won't cut it here,

to be perfectly honest.

I don't want you to get your hopes up.

The main valve?

Mrs. Schohusen, would you be so kind

and hand me my briefcase, please?

It's not that

I wouldn't like to sell you anything,

but in the end,

optimal care must be guaranteed.

That's my responsibility.

Now.

Let's see.

So...

Lead piping.

That makes sense.

What makes sense?

Well, I'm no doctor,

and I don't want to go

making assumptions.

But you notice things over the years.

Just like how they fooled everyone

about asbestos for years.

You think the lead caused his stroke?

I was starting to worry

it was the fatty food,

although I only ever cooked

so well for my Willi.

You don't need to blame yourself anymore.

Be honest, Mr. Tapken.

How much would it cost

to have Willi stay here?

A handicap-accessible shower

and lead piping replacements

would cost almost exactly 7,500 Euros.

Additionally,

there'd be a raised toilet seal

with support rail,

which start at 3,200 Euros.

That's nearly 11 ,000 Euros.

Which is why, Mrs. Schohusen,

I can't help you any further.

Maybe there's enough in our bank book.

Well,

shrouds have no pockets anyway.

Quite true, quite true,

Mrs. Schohusen.

If you're serious about it,

Mrs. Schohusen...

then...

I'll have to show you...

the "Washlet-G"

just one last time.

Heated seat, hot air fan,

ozone-deodorizer, massage function,

programmable water jets,

auto-flushing, auto-lid opener,

and a memory chip

that records the limes of use.

That's just...

- And here's the kicker:

For a small extra fee,

the Washlet-G

comes with a start-up pack for seniors.

Catch words:
"medical sensors."

Blood sugar levels

can be calculated in the urine.

Pulse, blood pressure and fat levels

can all be measured

and sent directly over the Internet

to the family doctor.

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