Toilet Stories Page #4

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We don't have Internet.

Don't worry, Mrs. Schohusen.

My brother-in-law has a little company.

It'll all be activated within a week.

How much is this model?

Naturally, I'll give you

a 15% discount, Mrs. Schohusen.

With the Washlet-G,

it would cost just 18,137 Euros,

including sales tax.

- We don't have that much, Mr. Tapken.

We can easily solve that

with a credit from our principal bank.

All included.

Willi always took care of things like this.

Of course,

you don't have to take the Washlet-G.

But,

if that was my wife,

I wouldn't want to deprive her of it.

You know what? I'll go get Willi.

You can explain it all to him.

Mrs. Schohusen,

all the fuss might be too much for him,

for his blood pressure.

Nonsense. Willi enjoys having visitors, loo.

E-coli bacteria often make their way

into the urethra and bladder,

causing infections.

Particularly in women.

The female urethra is relatively short.

But inflammatory cells

should be present in the urine, too.

If not...

- I'll be suspected.

I saw your new commercial.

The sandwich spread.

- "Marziponi?"

"With Marziponi, gold for Loni!"

- It tastes revolting. - I figured.

The muesli bars.

- Great, she's to eat them immediately.

"Holzknecht's mass movements"

occur twice a day in the large intestine.

They're triggered

by an expansion of the duodenum

after we ingest food or liquids.

Eating now will prevent such movements

from occurring at the wrong moment,

causing the reservoir to slip out of place.

Good, Loni.

We're nearly done.

It's pushing.

I have to go.

- Do whatever you think is right...

but please, let me finish.

I haven't told you everything yet.

What else is there?

The most important part.

The reason for my confession.

Griegoleit did it.

What?

- Gnther Griegoleit

from Griegoleit Driving School.

The one who moved to Bielefeld.

Until two days ago, I didn't know they could

use DNA to solve cold cases, either.

Griegoleit of all people.

But you said that Heise...

Werner.

That Werner confessed.

You know what I think?

Werner lied.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want to badmouth Werner.

And maybe it was my fault.

I said it again and again:

"Heise,

if you finally tell the truth,

you can live here in comfort.

If you don't,

then we have a problem."

Eventually, he came to understand that

and, after he confessed,

our relationship improved overnight.

Then I bought him the TV.

And every Sunday we have

Kasseler pork with sauerkraut,

and pudding.

"Kasseler pork with sauerkraut."

- Every Sunday. His favorite dish.

You could even say

a kind of friendship has developed.

Crazy, right?

Can I have it back, Father?

- What?

The photo. Can I have it back?

Little Marcel has lost his mommy.

Please pick him up at the Info Center.

And have you talked to...

Have you talked to Werner about...

this DNA evidence?

I think it's best he doesn't find out.

Excuse me?

- I wasn't sure, but...

now that you've heard my confession,

I see more clearly.

Wait.

I think you should let him go.

Werner is 72.

If I let him go, I'll go to jail.

Who'll take care of him then?

Will you?

No, but...

there are people who deal with these things.

I mean,

people who know what they're doing.

Surely it...

concerns the whole of society.

I really think

you should consider freeing him.

Hear me?

Are you still there?

We now come to...

disinfection.

L'eau-de-vie alisier d'Alsace.

Hawthorn brandy from Alsace.

The French appreciate pleasure.

I learned that there.

42% by volume.

A feast for the senses.

You see, gentlemen,

practicing altruism is also part of my job.

The medical side of my work

was always a joy.

As a young man, I wanted to become a doctor

before dedicating myself...

to a higher calling.

I was your age.

You have something to say?

We're really sorry.

We're so sorry. We won't...

do it again, I swear...

Gentlemen, you surprise me.

I'm no educator.

I'm not here to teach you,

get revenge

or make moral judgments.

I'm a sadist.

Your pain is my pleasure. That's all.

You of all people will understand that.

Right?

Although you're from a generation

whose approach to pain

tends to be rather more like fast food

than Nouvelle Cuisine.

But let's not get lost

in overly philosophical reflections.

Let's rather turn our attention

to the things for which

we've gathered here today.

I just recently bought these rose shears

in the garden department of a hardware store.

Gentlemen?

What are you doing here?

This bathroom is closed.

Forgive me.

My prostate.

We're looking for two juveniles.

- Between 17 and 18. A German and a Turk.

I haven't seen anything.

What's that smell?

I fear that was me. Veal roulade with celery.

Those your things?

Yes, why?

Finish up here.

I'm removing the enema.

Your coffee, Doctor.

- Thank you, Ludmilla. Very kind.

Filter coffee?

It's good, Ludmilla.

Is it hot enough?

Spot on.

Enough sugar?

- Perfect.

Normally used for men.

Reservoir.

Outlet.

Are you on medication?

Any illnesses?

Kidney problems? Liver disease?

Inherited conditions? Metabolic problems?

- No.

We need your urine.

150 ml.

Quick.

It's about to get serious.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

What now?

What do you mean?

All alone?

I'm not alone.

- You have a new boyfriend?

What does he do professionally?

- Children's furniture.

That's...

great!

One second. I have to...

Honey!

I thought you were playing golf.

It's sweet of you to think of me anyway.

Sure.

You know I'm being careful.

Guess who I've just met. Charlotte.

Did you know that she and Constantin...

You knew? And did you know...

You knew that, too?

With Reiner?

Oh.

Yes...

Charlotte also said...

there's something about us in the paper.

Honey, can we talk later?

You've gotten me

into an incredibly awkward situation.

I'll call you later.

I have lo sort things out here.

You know...

the text messages from Reiner...

that happened a bit longer ago

than you might've assumed earlier.

Hey, if your Reiner makes kids' furniture

maybe he could...

make some for us.

I'm sure he'll send you a catalog.

He even has a catalog? That's great!

Here's his card.

And his business is OK?

What?

He owns Captain Kiddies?

They have 300 stores.

That's not a carpenter's.

You got mixed up

because his dad's a carpenter.

Weird, he didn't say.

Anyway. It doesn't matter.

So what did it say in the paper?

Michi sounded strange on the phone.

Read it yourself.

Sounds intriguing.

"Hellweg Pharma goes bust.

Managing Director,

Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel

files for insolvency."

My God. How embarrassing.

And now I'm meant to pose for photos?

They'll think,

"Our poor cousin from back east is here."

Hans-Michael? It's me.

You didn't want to worry me? What a joke.

Nobody's ever done this to me.

Have you any idea what I'm going through?

They'll roast me alive.

No, don't come here. Never come again, OK?

I can't.

No, I won't listen.

You should've thought about that earlier.

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