Toilet Stories Page #5

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Come on, Willi.

Mr. Tapken wants to show you something.

Don't get worked up, Willi. That was just...

the old floor lamp. Stupid thing!

There, and let's go see...

Mr. Tapken.

That's it.

Yes. Good. There.

The door...

There.

That's Mr. Tapken.

From Tapken Bathrooms.

He wants to help us

so you can slay here.

Hello, Mr. Schohusen.

Well...

Go on, Mr. Tapken.

Willi understands much more than you think.

Like your wife said,

the main thing

is to improve

your quality of life...

Well, we thought...

I'll give you that toilet for free

because the attachments won't fit on yours.

What about that Chinese model

you have on sale?

It's a direct line to our doctor.

In case something happens, Willi.

Mr. Tapken's brother-in-law will sort it out.

- Sure.

But...

Your wife and I already

discussed the Washlet-G

from Japan.

- With a heated seat so you're nice and warm.

One of the model's...

many features.

And Mr. Tapken

will sort out the bank credit for us.

I assure you, Mr. Schohusen:

It's all the very best...

Asian...

workmanship. - Then Mr. Tapken

will sell us a new shower and pipes,

so we don't poison ourselves with the lead.

- Like I said,

I'm not a doctor...

I can't...

If only we'd known sooner. Right, Willi?

The doctor said it was the fatty food.

But I always cooked so well for you.

Know what, Mr. Tapken? I'll go and see

how much is in our savings book.

Mrs. Schohusen, that's...

You can...

Well.

Like I was saying to your wife:

great work.

Really great work.

Mr. Schohusen.

If I may, Mr. Schohusen?

Everything will be sorted soon,

Mr. Schohusen.

You alright, Mr. Schohusen?

Mrs. Schohusen?

I think you should...

- Just a moment.

Oh my God.

Wetting your hair with these precious drops

is a sign of my respect.

I hope you appreciate that.

Alors,

flamb..

A votre sant.

As I mentioned,

only one of you will leave this room alive.

However, I don't presume to play God.

That'd be foolhardy and wouldn't

do Him justice. It's up to you, gentlemen...

to make this decision.

I advise you not to chicken out.

Otherwise I'll use

this exquisite French liquid

to inflame every hair

on your heads.

Gentlemen, I thank you in advance

for the wonderful day you've granted me.

Un, deux, trois,

on y va!

Gentlemen.

This is for the substitute urine.

After that stupid incident

This is for the substitute urine.

After that stupid incident

with the heptathlete,

we can't place it in your vagina.

But Kleinschmidt watches you urinating

while keeping an eye on your hands,

so you couldn't open it

with a fingernail anyway.

Kleinschmidt has no shame.

Go on.

Many inject the substitute urine

into the athlete's bladder with a catheter.

That's unhygienic,

so we'll use the men's method.

The reservoir.

When it's full, we can't insert it,

hence the catheter.

With the vessel in the rectum,

we can use the catheter

to fill it with substitute urine.

The outlet.

It'll be in your sphincter.

So you have to... - ...clench.

Good, Loni. I like thoughtful people.

When I remove the catheter,

until you give the sample,

you mustn't relax.

Or it was all in vain.

Ingenious.

- But not my invention.

It's time.

Should I kneel?

Stand against the wall, bend over

and support yourself gently with your hands.

Did you just break up with him?

You're having a baby.

It's not his.

It's not?

He doesn't know, of course.

He wouldn't have proposed. And he couldn't

get me pregnant. What was I to do?

Wait for him to throw me out

after a younger woman shows up?

Or when he realizes

I'm not his class after all?

And now?

Don't know.

Well,

there's the father, too.

Whose is it?

Marc-Justin's.

My yoga teacher.

Yoga.

- Yes.

I took it up as preparation for tennis.

Tennis.

- Right.

Mental preparation.

For tennis.

With yoga.

And you really want to leave Michi?

And everything you've built up.

"Built up?" It's all gone.

"Hamburg. Hellweg Pharma's

insolvency application

will put an end

to the iconic German firm's 100-year history.

Insiders blame management's

speculative trading..."

Enough already!

'While 1,000 workers demonstrated

outside the factory to preserve their jobs,

union officials criticized

the Supervisory Board's decision

to award managing director

Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel

a golden handshake

of around 35 million Euros."

Well,

after everything Michi's done

for the company.

"Last week, Nsser-Vonnwinkel

is also said to have sold shares

worth 15 million Euros on the stock market."

Strange. He never told me that.

"Nsser-Vonnwinkel

dismissed all accusations as absurd.

'Germany's envy culture disgusts me,'

he said.

With his fianc, he therefore plans

to relocate to Switzerland."

To the Russians?

It's been a long time

since you were last in Switzerland.

Yes.

Maybe you're right.

Don't get me wrong, but...

I think I was confused earlier.

Sure.

I understand.

Hormones and everything.

Michi's a great guy.

You can say that again.

There you are.

Michi.

My angel.

Sorry I reacted like that.

I was in shock.

I didn't want you and our little darling

to worry about these silly things.

God only knows how much I love you.

I love you too, my angel.

Unbelievable.

We have over 18,000 Euros in savings.

I haven't offered you anything, Mr. Tapken.

Thanks.

Brandy.

Well,

I think you should sleep on it.

Thanks, but I don't need to.

My Willi always says: "if people give you

time to consider, they're being honest."

He's nodded off. He often does these days.

Then we shouldn't wake him up.

- Nonsense.

Willi doesn't wake up so fast.

I have a lot of appointments.

Let's talk tomorrow?

Fat chance, young man.

Where do I sign?

Of course.

Up to you.

That's the contract

for your pipe replacement and new shower,

for 7,500 Euros.

Here,

please.

And this...

is the contract for the Washlet-G.

The total is 18,175 Euros

including delivery,

installation, and sales tax.

Here, to confirm

you've read our terms and conditions.

And for the credit bureau.

I'm so glad Willi can stay here now.

Me too, Mrs. Schohusen.

Ah, Mrs. Schohusen,

in the "Seniors' Start-Up Pack,"

the Washlet-G...

comes with a toilet.

- So take this one with you.

Would you be so kind, Mrs. Schohusen?

Have a nice evening, Mrs. Schohusen.

You too, Mr. Tapken.

Thanks a million.

So...

So...

Please relax.

Loosen up.

There...

Nearly there.

OK, when I say, "Now..."

- ...I clench.

And...

now.

All the best.

If there's anything else...

Thanks, Doc.

No problem. It's my job.

Really very good filter coffee.

I'll be going.

We can't risk me running into Kleinschmidt.

Oh...

For your steroid acne.

Twice daily. For the award ceremony.

You think of everything, Doctor.

- Thanks.

Ladies.

Goodbye, Doctor.

- See you, Doc.

He's a great doctor.

A real professional.

SIX WEEKS LATER:

SIX WEEKS LATER:

Ladies and gentlemen,

now to the women's

200-meter freestyle final.

Representing Germany: Loni Nordahl.

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