Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #5

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And I go...

"All right."

"Okay, Stumpy. Um...

let's watch you bite

that handle for an hour.

That'll be a fun f***ing show."

F*** that guy.

Absolutely f*** him. So...

Midnight on this flight,

the lights come on,

and that's too early, right?

That's too early for the red-eye.

I panic. I think we're dying. So...

I see the attendant, I go,

"Hey, what the f***'s happening?"

She goes, "There's a medical

emergency in the back.

Are you a doctor?"

And I go, "Look at me."

"You think I'm a doctor?"

And she goes, "Are any of you?"

And we go, "No."

I said, "I think we just established

that none of us are doctors.

How about you kill those lights

so we can go back to sleep?"

And she goes, "Well, he needs help."

And I go, "Well, we're not doctors.

We could stand around him for a while,

If you think that'll help."

"Yeah, he's f***ed up."

"Huh?

Comedian."

"Mostly stories.

Hang in there."

I don't f***ing know. So...

half an hour later, lights are still on,

and I go, "What are we doing?"

And she goes,

"I think we're gonna divert."

And I go, "Divert?

Does that mean

we're gonna dump fuel?"

Have you ever asked somebody something

so profoundly stupid to them

that they have to physically regroup

before they answer your question?

Like, she went to answer,

and then she went, "Huh."

Like her brain was like,

control-alt-delete, rebooted...

...and she goes, "Divert doesn't mean

dump fuel, you dumb sh*t."

And I was like,

"I know, I was just playing. Gah."

She said, "We're gonna land

at the nearest airport.

We'll get him off and we'll get him help.

Then we'll continue."

And I go, "You gotta be shitting me."

And she goes, "No."

And I said, "Well, what if he's dead?"

And she goes, "What?"

And I go, "If he's dead..."

"...we're not just gonna land

to drop off some luggage, right?

We're gonna keep going."

And she goes, "I guess so."

And I said, "Well, in that case,

I am a doctor."

"And I'm gonna need a pillow. Stat."

And then, I f***ing killed a guy.

On a plane.

It was the most fun

I've ever had in my life.

Um...

Bikes! I get, like...

verbal tics, you know?

I don't have Tourette's.

I wish I did. It looks fun. But...

I'll just yell sh*t.

It's like a hook on a catchy song,

except it's just stuff that I watch,

and then...

"Bikes!" I just yell it, you know.

Over and over. Only like

two or three million times. But...

I'm obsessed with the show

Scared Straight. Um...

If you've never seen it,

it's tremendous.

Here's what they do.

In the show, they take kids,

middle school and high school kids

that are getting in trouble a lot,

and they send them to jail for a day.

And the idea is that jail

will scare the f*** out of the kid,

and then he'll get his life together.

Hence, Scared Straight.

It's tremendous.

I'm obsessed with one episode.

It aired once.

In 1999.

Here's what's great.

It aired uncensored, which is bananas.

And... in this episode

they did not send the kids to jail,

like they normally do.

Instead, they sent them

to a maximum security penitentiary.

Prison.

And those prisoners

verbally assaulted these kids

into crying a lot.

And it's the funniest sh*t

I have ever seen in my life.

First of all,

don't feel, like, too bad for...

these kids are super badass.

They're not like,

spitting spitballs in class and...

They're f***ing stabbing other kids.

They're badass kids. Okay?

And they show up

to this thing with attitude.

They walk in, they're like,

"What's up? I run sixth grade.

I ain't scared of you, man. Like..."

"You can't scare me."

And they're greeted

by a guy named Crazy Chris.

Chris has scars on his face,

and the screen freezes.

And it says, "Chris killed six people,

and he's doing a double life sentence."

Like, this dude is so bad

that when he dies and he's reincarnated,

that guy is doing life in prison also.

So this is a bad motherf***er right here.

The kids are like squatting around,

and Chris is like,

"Hey. My name's Crazy Chris.

And from now on,

you will see me in your nightmares."

And the kids are like,

"What the f***?" Like...

"I'm 12. Don't talk to me like that.

Man, that's crazy."

And he goes, "If I ever see you again,

I'll take a bite out of each of you."

And they're like, "All right.

We're reformed now. Thank you very much."

Jesus. But they can't leave.

The next guy comes up to them

and he goes, "Hold mah pocket!

Hold mah pocket!"

And he makes kids walk around

holding the inside of his pocket.

You understand?

So he walks, and then they're like...

I don't know what you know about prison,

but if you're holding

onto another dude's pocket,

it's gonna be a rough day. All right?

Not only is this guy

making kids hold his...

he's talking ridiculous sh*t

to middle schoolers.

He's like, "I'mma make you

suck my dick for breakfast!"

"Every mornin'."

And the kids are like...

"I hate breakfast! Ugh!"

Funny sh*t like that.

So...

He's like,

"I'mma mush your motherfucking face!"

And the kid's like...

It's so f***ing funny. Ah...

There's one exchange where this dude,

he pulls a kid out of line.

The kid's, like, 13. He weighs,

I don't know, a hundred pounds?

And he has a bowl cut.

Okay? He has a bowl cut.

In prison.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

It's parted in the middle.

The prisoner goes, "Why you here?"

And the kid's like...

"Ugh. Stealing."

And he goes, "The f*** you took?"

And the kids goes, "B... Bikes."

And he goes, "Bikes!"

And that's why I yell "bikes"

all the time.

You should see me

when we drive by a bike store.

Holy sh*t.

I'll be driving. I'll be like, "Ahh..."

And my wife, she's pretty over it. Um...

She'll go, like, "You get one." I'm like,

"All right, I'm gonna

make this sh*t count."

So, I'll pull over,

roll down the window,

and I wait till I see somebody

checking out one of the sidewalk displays,

like with all the bikes out there,

and when they find one they like

and they're like, "I like this one,"

I'll go, "Bikes!"

And they're like, "What the f***?!"

And I go, "Stop selling drugs!"

And I drive off.

That's right.

Super fun. You should do it.

Ah, man.

So, my wife is the coolest, actually.

She's the best.

And, uh, she...

we've been together ten years.

And women will actually ask me, sometimes,

they'll be like, "Ten years?

That's a pretty good run.

What's the secret?

Is there a secret?"

And I want to tell you that there is.

And ladies,

the key to your man's heart

is through his... taint.

Now, if you don't know,

the taint is that little strip of land

between a man's balls and his butthole.

Also known as the Devil's Driveway.

Now...

...some of you are like,

"I don't want to go there.

That sounds scary."

Well, yeah.

Your man's perineum,

that's like the Incan ruins of his body.

And just like Machu Picchu,

its a little out of the way.

But once you get there,

the rewards are oh, so glorious.

Ladies, I just gave you

top secret clearance. Okay?

Um, welcome to Area 51.

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