Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #6

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Yeah. I never want to hear

another woman complain,

"I can't get a guy to call me back."

Well, take a vibrator,

press it against his chode,

and you will have

to shut down a cell tower

because that man

is gonna harass you. All right?

Yeah.

After you make him shiver.

Don't be an a**hole

and put it on high speed the first time.

You'll send him to the emergency room.

But... Ease into it.

One, two, three. He'll be like, all right!

I'm not piling on you for

not doing enough, if you're a woman.

Guys are the worst.

Absolutely.

Every guy friend of mine

that complains about a sex thing,

it's always the same stupid sh*t.

They'll be like, "You know,

like, I liked her, but she's not slutty.

She didn't do anything slutty."

I'm like, "Huh. You tell her

what you like?" "Unh-unh."

I'm like, "Oh.

Well, you weird silent f***."

"You gotta tell her.

If she likes you, she'll do it.

Gotta tell her, 'Put on a clown suit

and peg me.' Or whatever you like."

I'll tell you my favorite.

I don't give a sh*t.

I love the medical genre.

That is my favorite.

I love those pornos

where the guy goes in the doctor's office.

He's like, "Oh, my back hurts."

The nurse is like, "That's 'cause your

big stupid balls are full. Get over here."

I love that.

I love it, I told my wife,

and now we have scrubs.

Everybody likes it. Don't act like...

whenever you...

If you're a guy and you see a nurse,

you always are like...

"Maybe she'll suck it."

Like that. Like, you always...

Even if you see a nurse walking around,

you're like, "Hey.

What? No,

I didn't say anything. I was just..."

"Do you? Okay, no, you don't? Okay.

No, I feel fine. Thank you."

It's the best. I love...

I love, though, on the medical pornos,

those scenes,

they always end with letting you know

how he's doing medically.

Like the guy goes, "Uhhh.

My back feels better."

You're like, "Oh, wow."

"We were all worried

about your third lumbar. So, that's good."

Crazy, and I swear, this is true,

as much as I love that sh*t,

I have never in my life

seen a smaller version of my own dick

than when I'm in the doctor's office.

Like, it gets so small,

and it leans to the left.

So my dick is like, "What did you say?"

"Hmm?

Should I be here, Dad?"

You ever yell at it?

You're like, "What the f***?!

Monday we were hitting thigh,

and today you're like,

'I want to stay in bed and read. So...'"

"'You go out.

I'm gonna draw a bath. Bye.'"

And you'll be like,

"You stupid little dick!"

They have porno suggestions.

Isn't that weird too?

Like you watch a scene,

It's like, "You might also like..."

And you're like, "What?"

And then its like some weird sh...

It's like,

"Sis is mad at her brother

for not leaving,

so she blows him."

And you're like, "Ugh! Gross.

All right, I'm gonna see

what it looks like."

They're not really related.

That scene is so stupid cause they always

call each other Bro and Sis,

like any f***ing people

on the planet do that.

The girl's like, "Bro! My friends

are coming over. Get outta here."

He's like, "No way, Sis. Not leaving."

"Come on! What'll it take?"

"Boop. Right there.

That's what it'll take."

"Okay." And you're like, "All right.

It's not a good premise,

but I'll watch it."

Let me ask you this.

If you're white,

aren't you a little tired of being

blamed for every racial injustice?

- Like, doesn't part of you...

- Yeah!

Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. So...

People are like, "What the f***?"

No! That's what I'm saying! Like...

Don't you kinda want to tell, like,

the other people,

"Why doesn't your group

get their sh*t together, and then

you can ascend to the top and then

you can oppress other people."

Not as many claps on that one.

Well, uh...

Oops.

Here's all I'm saying. Okay?

Every race is racist. Okay?

We're the best at it,

but every race is racist.

Who's super racist?

Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are...

You're nodding. Like, "You know

goddamn right I am. Of course."

You don't know about it?

There's a hierarchy to the whole thing.

Here's how it works.

Japanese, they're number one,

which is weird 'cause

their genitals are blurry.

But they're number one. Right?

Then...

Chinese and Koreans are right there.

And everybody else

who's, like, tan, like...

Vietnamese and Filipino, they're like...

"F*** you!"

True or not?

Yeah.

Don't you feel better about everything

right now? Like...

What's your ethnic background?

You're Chinese? That's number two.

That's almost at the top.

That's great.

That's gotta feel good, right?

Who did you, like...

Who did your parents talk

the most sh*t about, growing up?

Wait. Were you raised

in an Asian household,

or are you one of those,

"That's cute, lets get one of those"?

'Cause that's a legit question.

Asian? So who'd your parents talk the most

sh*t about growing up, racially?

- Be honest. Huh?

- Japanese.

Japanese! F***in'... All right, so...

Do you hate Japanese people?

No? They f***ing hate you.

A lot.

You know they do. Uh...

What do your parents say about them?

What's the sh*t that they talk?

They wanted me to marry one.

They wanted you to marry one?

They wanted her to do whatever you want.

Are your parents Saudi or...?

Can I get this f***ing straight

for a second?

Your parents were like,

"We want our beautiful Chinese boy

to marry a Japanese girl

so that 'she'll do whatever you want'"?

- Meaning they're submissive?

- Yes.

Yeah. All right. So who's this f***ing

lady sitting next to you?

What's she all about?

Hey! Don't f***ing answer. It's his world.

What is... What is, uh...

Ask him if you can answer.

She's Chinese? Damn!

Do you know...

Do you know how I found out

about Asian racism?

This is how I found out about it.

I had no idea.

I'm shooting a commercial in L.A.,

and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?

Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So...

Yeah. So I was like,

"Do you have indigestion?"

He was, "Uhh. No."

We're shooting the commercial,

and between takes,

there's a Filipino production assistant.

So, he come up and talks to us

and he walks away.

And when he walks away,

I see the Japanese director

give him a very dismissive look, like...

And I go, "Hey! I saw that, with my eyes.

What was that all about?"

I go, "You don't like him?"

And he goes...

And I go, "Why not?"

And he goes...

Did you catch it? It was really fast.

He basically said, "I don't like him

'cause I don't like his skin color."

And he did it with this little gesture.

And I was like, "Holy sh*t!

That's f***ing brilliant.

How did I not think of that?"

You don't have to worry about people

hearing you and getting hit.

Just make a little thing

and move it along. Like...

Don't act like you're not gonna use that

five f***ing times this week.

When you're in your favorite restaurant

and "they" come in, you're like...

"Let's take it to go. Thanks a lot."

Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.

Um... I'm assuming you do.

I don't f***ing know. You're here.

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