Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #7

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Maybe you robbed somebody. But...

I was just thinking about how long

it's been since I've had a job,

and how I absolutely could not

get one right now.

If I went into a place and gave them

my rsum, they'd be like,

"What's with this 13-year gap

on here, man?"

And I'd be like, "What's with all

the questions, dude? Chill out."

I mean, if I had to get a job,

I think I would just go for a job

where no one knows

what the f*** I'm talking about,

so I could just make sh*t up. Because...

There's a few of those.

Like, the spokesman

for an arson investigation. Um...

Arson means fire, by the way.

I'm seeing a lot of blank faces. And...

You can see them online.

Like, a guy comes out to a podium,

and there's a mic

and there's news people around.

There's a burned down building

behind, and he's just like...

"Hey. That sh*t burned down."

"Could you tell us a little more?"

He's like, "What?" Totally aggravated.

"What do you wanna know?"

"How did it start?"

"It was a match."

And they go, "How do you know?"

"We found it."

"It." Like it's one. There's other

matches and he's like, "Mm-mmm."

"This one."

They go,

"How do you know that's the match?"

"Just complicated fire sh*t.

You wouldn't understand."

Thing is, man,

I miss zero part of having a day job.

That's the truth. I miss zero part.

The only part I still miss

is spreading rumors and gossip

about people that work there.

That's the f***ing best.

It is! I remember.

Going to work sucks.

That's universal. I mean, sh*t!

Most of you will have it on Monday.

F***in'... the alarm goes off,

and you go, "Motherf***er!"

"Today's gonna suck!"

"But I'm gonna talk sh*t about Amanda

when I get there." And then that...

raises your spirit right?

You think about that in the shower.

"I'm gonna ruin Amanda's day today."

"This is for you, Amanda. Aahh."

The f***ed-up thing is people

making you feel badly for enjoying that.

You shouldn't feel badly

for enjoying gossip.

It's 100 percent normal

and natural to

because it's definitely

an extension of childhood.

Because all of us, when we were kids,

and all kids now,

for a certain period of time,

the worst storytellers ever, okay?

You don't know sh*t

about editing information,

enhancing things,

keeping people's interest.

You don't have to have a kid to

know about this.

Talk to any kid. A friends kid.

A niece, a nephew.

It's when you go to a kid, you go like,

"Hey, were you outside?"

And they go, "Yeah!" And you're like,

"Why don't you dial that back?

That was crazy. Okay?"

And then you ask one question, like,

"How was that?" And they go,

"I have... When...

When Jeanette came by,

she... she didn't...

she brought the yellow cup that...

she didn't want to kick the ball back,

but I said, can...

'Cause Brian's cup is red,

that if you... if you...

if you don't have it now,

then you don't have to bring the blue...

'Cause the blue one

that Jane had was with her.

I said, 'If you don't have it,

you can... you can use mine now,

but then...

then next it's my turn.'"

You go, "That was a great f***ing story.

Thank you."

Je-sus!

And then kids accidentally tell

their first good story.

They don't mean to, it's an accident.

That's why it leaves an impact.

'Cause you go, "Were you at the park?"

And they go, "Yeah."

And you go, "How was that?"

And they go, "I saw Uncle Jeff,

and he had a lady sitting on his lap.

But it wasn't Aunt Maria."

And you're like, "What?"

And the kid's like, "Sh*t, I've never seen

that f***ing face before!"

And you're like, "That's a good story.

Go find more stories like that."

That's burned into your psyche.

That's why you go to work,

you see your coworker,

you're like, "Hey, I got some juice."

And they're like, "Is it gonna negatively

impact somebody's life?"

"Yeah." And they're like,

"F***ing hook that sh*t up!"

I've spread so many f***ing rumors.

My favorite part about rumors,

nobody verifies sh*t.

Somebody says something once

and you're like,

"Cool, I'll roll with that forever.

Thanks, man."

"Are you gonna fact check that?"

"Why? You said it out loud.

I don't have to check anything out.

It's now a fact. So, whatever."

It's a seed, right?

You ever a part of one that just grows?

I remember years ago,

I'm watching a movie with my dad.

In the middle of the movie,

the actor, Tommy Lee Jones,

appears onscreen.

Great actor. Oscar winner.

Unprompted, my dad turns to me

and he goes, "Did you know he was gay?"

And I was like, "No."

"Yeah."

Now, it doesn't matter, and I don't care.

But I decided I would tell

everyone I ever met

for the rest of my life

that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.

I told a lot of people.

Like, from The Fugitive

through No Country for Old Men.

I told everybody.

Until one day I told somebody

and he goes, "No, he isn't."

And I was like, "Yeah, he is."

And he goes, "How do you know that?"

And I said, "My dad told me."

"What? Your dad f*** him

or something?"

I was like, "I don't think so."

Then he goes, "I've known him 40 years.

I know his wife and kids. I knew him

when he was single. He is not gay."

And I go, "What is happening right now?"

And I called my dad immediately.

And I was like, "Dad!

I just got confirmation

that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay."

And my dad goes,

"Oh, I thought he was."

"Is that the end of your investigation?

Are you f***ing serious?

Why did you tell me that?"

He goes, "I don't know."

I said, "Did somebody tell you?"

He goes, "I can't remember."

I said, "Have you been telling everybody

for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?"

And he goes, "Yep."

I go, "Don't you think we should stop?"

He goes, "Now we should."

Just made that sh*t up.

This is not made-up.

I'll tell you this, man.

Not too long ago,

I met former heavyweight

champion of the world

Iron Mike Tyson. And...

It completely changed my perspective

on a famous person,

'cause I thought I knew famous people.

Friends of mine on TV and movies,

they are dog sh*t next to Mike Tyson.

Think about how... he is famous

the way an ex-president is famous,

in that he can't go anywhere in the world

without everyone knowing who he is.

You can take him to the Philippines,

you can take him to Siberia,

you can take him to Namibia

and people would be like,

"Mike Tyson."

Everybody knows Mike Tyson.

That's a perfect impression,

by the way. So...

we're on an afternoon flight

from L.A. to Pittsburgh.

He is sitting across the aisle

one row back.

He's right there.

It takes an extra hour

to board the flight. Why?

Because every passenger that boards

sees him, and they're like,

"Get the f*** out of here."

And they sh*t their pants.

And he's super nice.

He shakes everyone's hand.

Flight attendants are telling people,

"Go to your seat."

And they're like, "Nope."

"Talking to him."

"We're not asking you,

we're telling you."

"I don't give a sh*t.

I'm not going anywhere."

It takes forever. We leave late.

I don't say anything.

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