Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #8

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About half an hour's left in the flight,

and then I tell myself,

"You have to say something.

You're never going to run into him again."

So I get up, walk over to his seat

and I go, "I'm sorry to bother you.

I grew up watching all of your fights,

and I'm a big fan."

And he goes, "Thank you."

I said, "I'm just curious,

why are you going to Pittsburgh?"

He goes, "I'm promoting a fight.

What about you?"

I said, "I'm a comedian.

I'm going to do shows."

And he goes...

"You're a comedian?"

I go, "Yeah."

He said, "Where's your show?"

I said "It's a comedy club

called the Pittsburgh Improv."

And he goes, "Where's that?"

And I go, "I have no f***ing idea."

And he goes, "Is your show tonight?"

And I go, "No.

It's eleven o'clock at night

and we're on a plane."

"We're in the sky right now, Mike."

He goes, "Well, when's your show?"

And I go, "Tomorrow."

And he goes, "Where?"

And I go,

"Still at the Pittsburgh Improv."

He goes, "How do I find it?"

I go, "I don't f***ing know.

Google it."

Then it hits me, like, two seconds later

how batshit crazy it is of me

to tell him to like, Google it.

You know? Like...

"You figure it out, fuckface!"

Am I out of my mind? So...

I grab a DVD out of my bag,

I give it to him.

I go, "It has my name on it, just

type it in. It'll show you where I'm at."

He goes, "Thank you."

I go, "That's cool. I met Tyson."

Ten seconds later,

I'm sitting in my seat and I hear,

"Tom?"

"Yes, Mike Tyson?"

He goes,

"Were you on television recently?"

And I go, "Mm-mmm."

He goes, "Are you sure?"

And I go, "Yeah, I think so."

And he goes, "Nothing?"

And I go, "I mean, I'm on Netflix."

And he goes, "I f***ing love Netflix."

"Okay."

He goes, "What's your favorite show

on Netflix, Tom?"

I go, "Are we really doing this right now?

Like, shouting across the aisle?"

"I like House of Cards, man!" Like...

It feels crazy, okay?

So, I'm super nervous.

I don't know what to say...

I'm like, "I don't know.

I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix."

And he goes,

"My wife likes Breaking Bad."

But he said it like,

"You like sh*t my wife likes."

And I was like, "Ugh."

Then his eyes light up like saucers,

and he's like,

"Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?"

And I know it's a great show.

There's a lot of great shows.

I can't see every show.

I've never seen it.

Do you ever lie?

Like a child to an adult?

'Cause you think they'll like you more

if you like the same thing?

Well, I saw that face and I go,

"It's my favorite show of all time."

And he's like, "It's the sh*t!"

And I was like, "Oh, I know.

That one episode? That's my favorite."

And then he gives me

a fist bump across the aisle, right?

Is this not registering to you?

I get a Mike Tyson fist bump.

Yeah.

I can feel his powers

transferring from his hand into mine.

I'm like, "Oh, sh*t." That's crazy, right?

I'm so happy.

And then a few seconds later,

I feel a bear paw on my shoulder.

And I turn,

and Tyson is standing above me.

I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"

Immediately he leans down and he whispers

in my ear so nobody else can hear,

and he goes,

"I've been watching a lot of Netflix."

That's it. That's all he said.

Dude, I never thought

that sentence could be terrifying.

And now he's just looking at me like,

"Now you say something, b*tch."

Ya know?

I was like, "I never turn it off.

It's the best." I don't know what to say.

He goes, "Now I recognize you."

And I go, "What?"

And he holds up the DVD.

And I go, "I just gave that to you."

And he goes,

"It's the same picture that's on Netflix."

And I go, "Oh, yeah.

That's the same picture."

He goes, "I know who you are."

I go, "That's crazy."

And he goes,

"Give me your phone number."

And I go, "What?!"

I give him my number, we land.

I f***ing run off the plane. Okay?

It's like...

too much weird sh*t for one day.

The next day,

I'm sitting in my hotel room,

and I get a text message from Mike Tyson.

You know what it says?

"Where's your show?"

And I go, "The Pittsburgh Improv."

"Where's that?"

I f***ing Google it.

I send it to him, and the phone rings.

"Hey, Tom."

And I go, "'Sup, Champ?"

He goes, "We're coming

to your show tonight, brother."

And I go, "That's f***ing crazy!"

He goes, "Yeah, we wanna watch you

do your work."

And I go, "Well, I'm honored."

And he goes, "It's all love."

I know what he's saying.

I know the expression.

And I just want to reciprocate,

but I... I don't know what to do.

And I'm super nervous,

and I just go, "I love you."

And he goes, "Mmm, good luck

at your show." And he hangs up the phone.

Seattle, you're the best.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it. Thank you.

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