Tommy Boy Page #4

you're driving along,

and suddenly your kids are

yelling from the back seat.

"I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!"

"Not now, dammit!"

Truck tire! I can't stop!

There's a cliff!

And your family screaming:

"Oh my God, we're burning alive!"

No, i can't feel my leg!

Here comes the meat-wagon.

And the medic gets out and says:

"Oh, my God!"

New guy's in the corner,

puking his guts out.

All because you wanna save a couple of

extra pennies... and to me, it doesn't-

Get out! Now!

Yes, sir.

- Do you validate?

- Now!

She's a quart low.

Oh, yeah? Then guess what,

open it back up and put it in!

That's your penance for your

puppet show back there.

And while you're at it,

fill it up with gas, okay?

I'm gonna ask directions to the

next huge embarrassing failure.

You're a huge embarrassing failure.

- What?

- Nuthin'.

Hey chief, could you tell me

how far it is to Davenport?

- I can't find it on this map.

- Well, get yourself a new map.

Son of a...

Well, it's gotta be on the map,

Davenport, because you say it's 22mi away.

And you're really smart...

Yet it's not on the map.

- I'm picking up your sarcasm.

- I'd hope so...

'cause i'm laying it

on you pretty thick.

That's a map of Illinois,

which we're in.

On the border of Iowa. Which is

where Davenport is, 22 mi away.

You're in the wrong state.

Get yourself a new map!

That wasn't so hard, was it?

How much do i owe your for gas?

- You didn't pump any.

- What?!

Why didn't you pump any gas?

They're all out. They only got diesel.

Better go to the next station!

What'd you do?

I'd just like to welcome you all

to our annual Callahan Employee Night.

I know it doesn't quite feel the same without

Big Tom here, but we're still a family.

So let's try and have some fun!

Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer! Is it true Tommy's

on the road trying to save this place?

Tommy's out there filling in for his

dad until we get things settled here.

Are you kidding?

We're all screwed!

That kid's one apple that

fell way off the tree.

Mommy, i want a popsicle.

That hurt!

You wanna act like a baby,

i'll treat you like one.

Now, if you wanna act

like a big boy...

Bad mommy.

Don't call me that, it's creepy.

Come on, this is working out

better than we planned.

I thought it'd take a year to bleed

him dry in the divorce settlement.

Instead the guy croaks,

you own half the company.

Yeah, it's too bad he didn't

leave me any cash.

- You talked to the banker?

- Yeah.

Unfortunately your stock isn't worth

dick until they sell the place.

That moment is rapidly approaching.

Hi, grandpa.

Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy,

you know, doing okay?

Yeah, sometimes it takes a little time

for a salesman to find his style.

- You think he's finding one?

- I hope so.

Hold on right there

honey. I'll see you Michelle.

See you.

I'm telling you, Paul... the only

thing keeping us poor is Tommy.

The guy's an idiot.

He won't sell squat.

This is what i think of Callahan.

Tommy saved the factory.

That's a laugh!

I don't see any McKeesport.

It's the next town, Tons-of-Fun.

It's gotta be there.

Ok, where's moron?

Moron's here, so McKeesport...

Look, Magellan,

we're at this wrinkle here.

You saw it happen. There was

nothing i could do, right?

Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult

me you would have seen it coming.

Shut up, Tommy!

It's not my fault.

Poor little furry thing!

I'd never seen one close up before.

What are we gonna do?

We can't just leave it here.

Oh, no! Loading it up took

us over an hour.

Now we only got 20 minutes before

"Brady Automotive" closes.

- Yeah, where are we gonna take the deer?

- I don't know. The vet?

You take dead animals to the vet?

- Why not? I'd take you to the vet.

- Yeah, i'll take you to the...

- Got that?

- Shut up!

- It's just down the hall sir, last door on the left.

- Thank you.

Hey, what's your hurry?

You know that thing in the back seat?

It's not an air refreshener.

It's a dead rotting deer carcass.

And we gotta take care of it quick.

And this is one of our

oldest customers,

we should be in and out.

This sales thing isn't so easy.

You can't just go in and out,

you gotta finesse'm a little bit.

Hey, by finesse do you mean

sputtering sentence fragments

and lighting things on fire?

No, but... It's nice to

see you again Mr. Insult.

Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?

Cause if you do, can you ask him,

i mean, since he's so good,

if he might wanna try selling?

Oh yeah? Watch and learn.

Of course i understand what "no" means.

But if i took no for an answer

i probably would wind up

on a street corner selling

spicy hotdogs and wearing a funny hat,

right? It makes sense, doesn't it?

Look, i've been doing

business with Callahan

since i hung up my shingle.

But i don't like you.

Probably never will.

You're a smug unhappy little man, and

you treat people like they were idiots.

Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.

Son, i was sorry to hear

about your dad, i was.

But before i decide to keep

my business with your place,

i'd have to come by and have

a look at your new operation.

Hey, i'll tell you what:

You can take a good look

at a butcher's ass by

sticking your head up there

but wouldn't you rather

take his word for it?

What? I'm failing to make

the connection here, son.

No, i mean, you can get

a good look at a T-bone

by sticking your head up

a butcher's ass, but then...

No, it's gotta be your bull.

Here's the deal, if i want you...

- You have derailed.

- Shut up, Richard!

Boy, i'm really at

a loss for words here.

Forget it. I quit.

I can't do this anymore man. My head's

about to explode. My whole life sucks.

I don't know what i'm doing.

I don't know where i'm going.

My dad just died.

We just killed Bambi.

I'm out here getting my ass kicked,

and every time i drive down the road,

i want to jerk the wheel into

a goddamn bridge embankment!

We'll be in touch.

That guy might not call us.

I can't believe you called me a psycho.

Were you in there just now?

You are a psycho.

Good God! And comb your hair.

I wouldn't say you did much better.

I thought you were so cool.

Watch and learn he says. And i

was watching. You know what i saw?

It's alive!

I think it tried to bite me!

No way that just happened.

My car is completely destroyed.

I swear i've seen a lot of stuff

in my life, but that was awesome!

But sorry about your car, man.

It sucks.

We'll return to the "Zalinsky Family Theater"

after these messages.

Will you shut the window, Tommy!

You're letting moths in.

- No, it's hot in here.

- Will you please...

Look, it's him!

America, if you need starters,

spark plugs, ball joints,

gaskets, camshafts,

u-joints or rocker-arms,

anything that can be screwed or

glued to that car or truck of yours?

Come see ol' Ray!

You want a guarantee? I got a

guarantee stamped on every box.

He's got really weird hair.

But more important is the guarantee

that i make to the American worker.

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